Oct 05, 2011
Day 35 -- Seems to be tougher, mentally, to take all the pills now that VIC has been added. Up until now, I have been sticking to my schedule. But have also gained weight from overeating, so maybe that's why it's a bit more of a struggle to take pills on time, because I know -- even if it's small -- I have to eat again. Thankfully, I am on VIC, but still have to eat to keep that and the RIBA from making me too nauseous. Gotta take the time to "plan" out my meals better.
I don't feel depressed. I feel, at times, unmotivated. I talk to myself every morning to force myself out of bed, then to eat breakfast, then to go to work. And when I'm at work, I have to talk myself into working, instead of being online in this forum (it's so addicting!). I also find that I am more....contemplative? I will sit and think, and think. Then have to "snap" out of it and get back to doing what I am supposed to be doing. Kind of feel like Robert DeNiro in "Awakenings", in a way.
Just before treatment, I was on Cymbalta, but changed after a month to Sertraline (Zoloft). I think I have been handling it well. No nasty sides, other than, now that I think of it......it does make you gain weight. But I was not happy with my weight before all of this. Depending on the day, my emotions have been in check. When they're not, it's been sadness (normal for me), and impatience, not rage.
(Documenting this for my doc)
October 11, 2011
Lack of concentration. Insomnia making it harder, mentally, to talk myself into going to work the next morning. Other emotions still seem to be in check, no temper flare ups. More thankful, than anything, that my sides have been tolerable. People at work starting to notice something is wrong. I am rocking, either side to side or back and forth, to comfort myself when I'm feeling sick. This is a hard secret to keep, when I'm not feeling good and want to vent to the world that -- I am not feeling well.......because I am fighting to rid myself of the evil Hep C. Having to make more decisions on when to stay at work and when to go home, since I do not have much time left for the year, so that has been stressful. My boss has been really understanding if I need to leave suddenly. But I am still trying to not take off unless I can't focus enough to do my job. Some days, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and lie down, especially when I am nauseous. But I know that over the past 6 weeks, every day is different. So I am trying really hard to remember to take it one day at a time. Trying hard to remember to take all the pills. Have alarms on my phone and calendar alerts on my work computer, but it is still a challenge. Without this forum, I would not have anyone to tell, who understands quite on the same level.
(I will continue adding, as necessary)
October 13, 2011
Yesterday was ROUGH, because I had Nausea and weakness all day long. Felt wiped out this morning, and called in sick. For some reason, I felt a 'lift' in the mental pressure, and fought through, determined not to be defeated! I got more water in me before leaving home (which I usually don't do because I ride public transit). I had ice cream, then RIBA. Half an hour later I had Kebbler's salty (fake) Cheese and crackers. All of that got me feeling better, so I felt very motivated to not lose anymore hours today. I was an hour and a half late but made it to work and stuck it out all day. Keep reminding myself that every day of this is different. If I feel like I can, I will try. If I feel like I can't, I will try and see how far I get, but stay home when needed. It just is what it is at this point.
October 19, 2011
Stayed home. Just felt, mentally, that I could not get enough motivation to go to work. Tried and tried to keep moving, to talk myself into going. Then called my job to let my boss know I needed to lay down but hoped to be in later. Just could not muster up the mental energy, which meant physically, I was moving a lot slower. Biggest thing was the change in my "interior conversation." There was no focus, no thinking forward. Then this morning, Oct. 20th, my interior conversation was back to normal (i.e.; thinking about what I needed to get done at work today; wondering what work people have snuck into my office that might interfere with an ongoing project; what should I have for breakfast, etc.), so I know for sure yesterday was a mental struggle. Very tired and a bit weak. Praying it is not anemia but keeping an eye on my symptoms just the same. Also considering asking for an increase in the AD dose, if that would help. But not crazy about that idea and don't want to be any sleepier.
October 26, 2011
Eureka!!! (Sorry, not you Eureka) I am not imagining things, my labs confirmed that I am Anemic. And while I am not happy about it, it does explain the no focus and no energy issues. Can't wait to see how I recover and how I will feel mentally, once things are under control. Gotta get through this.
October 28, 2011
Feeling MUCH better this morning. Combination of factors: RIBA dose reduction; eating meat and spinach for past 2 days; I generally feel better on Fridays; went to Chiropractor on Wednesday for Vertigo. No brain fog! Brain fog for me feels like.....you know when you're ready to sleep but can't get your mind to wind down? Well this is the exact opposite. It's like I couldn't keep a thought inside my head! Forgetfulness on simple things (i.e.; did I put on deodorant?; and I just had), confusion and lack of concentration. None of that today. Bless God!! Very happy right now to be feeling better, as far as all the factors connected to Anemia.
November 26, 2011
Starting my 13th week of tx. Shot went off without a hitch. Still struggling with no motivation. Have plenty I need to do but can't seem to talk myself into getting up and out the door to do it. I have become somewhat of a hermit, I fear. I can sleep half the day away, which means, I am not getting nearly enough movement and my muscles are atrophying more and more. I'm tired but not in the same way prior to the transfusion (Nov. 2nd). I'm still wondering about the AD's. It's a low dose, so part of me wonders if it should be increased......but another part of me wonders if that will only make it worse, and if I should stop taking them altogether (under doc's supervision). I hate to feel all "woe is me", because I am otherwise doing pretty well and tolerating the sides. Just stressed and tired, unmotivated and mentally tired. I pray I getta kick-start soon. I have to keep going. Oh, and I have trouble now with concentrating when reading long articles or emails. I have to stop and try to get through them later. But I can watch t.v. for hours, which makes me feel plain lazy. Is this me? Was I just as bad before tx? I really don't think so but it is getting harder to remember. I have needed to do laundry for 2 weeks, and because it is the one chore I hate, I just cannot seem to force myself to do it right now. But I know I will have to do something soon, or be forced to go to work next week in a toga :0(