Oct 06, 2011
When I was young, my parents moved from Mississippi to California. So I have no family here what so ever. When I was young, about 6 years old or maybe a bit younger, I had a friend who was a total ***** to me. I was nothing but nice to her and she would always treat me like ****, yet I stayed around and never left her side. I had another friend, Ashley, who was kind of the same way. One day, I went over to Ashley’s house to hang out with her and she had another friend over. They were swimming in the pool when I went to see her. She gave me this look and told me she didn’t want me over there. I was confused…I just left and as I left, I could hear them saying **** about me and laughing. I cried to my house across the street.
A little while before that incident, I was at Ashley’s house again. She left me in her room with her cousin…He looked at me and all I remember is me being pinned to the floor with him on top of me, kissing me…I didn’t know what was going on…I can still picture his face…
A little while later, maybe months or even a year, my little sister, Shamera, who was 4 at the time was at Ashley’s house playing with Ashley’s little sister, Emily. It was time to go home and eat so I went to get my sister but she wouldn’t come home. So I left. I came back later and saw Emily running out the garage screaming at me and Ashley. She kept stuttering and told us to go into the backyard. We ran back there and looked in the pool…I saw the figure of a girl…my sister…Ashley’s grandma tried getting my sister out the pool but she was too weak to get her or some ********. The police came a while later and took my sister to the hospital. I remember my parents crying while we drove home from the hospital and I asked, “Is Shamera coming home?” My mom replied, “No, she’s never coming back.” It didn’t really register to me what she meant…but when I woke up in the middle of the night and saw my sister’s empty bed…I finally understood.
For years, before my sister’s death and afterwards, I had to deal with my step brother…almost every day after school, he would come into my room...and touch me inappropriately…even rape or molest me at most times. I haven’t told my parents about it but I think they might have known something was going on. This went on from the time I was about 5 till I was around 10 or 11. I could never escape him. I was glad he moved with his real mom.
During my elementary school years, I was always bullied. People hated me for no reason. I was NEVER mean to anyone yet people always picked on me. I even got into fights because someone didn’t like me for no reason. ******* people…I had guys that would sexually harass me and grab my *** and ****. That was one reason I’m overly self-conscious now. I dressed like a boy, wearing baggy clothes so boys wouldn’t pay attention to my body. I had a friend who I thought would always be my close friend, I was wrong. She lied to her mom, saying I stole from her…that was a load of shit…
In 6th grade, I moved away from all of that and met people that actually liked me for me. I became best friends with a girl Mariah, who I’m still friends with now. She was like my long lost twin. She was the one that introduced me to cutting…little did I know that just doing a few would get me addicted to the feeling. Before high school, Mariah stopped cutting, but I continued. My dad found out about me cutting and threw me against a wall and said if he ever found out I was cutting again, he was going to beat me. My mom went through all my personal **** and deleted everything I’ve had off my computer.
During my freshmen year of high school, I began cutting even more. My self-esteem plummeted as well. I began dating this guy who I thought I would stay with forever. That never ******* happened. He used to molest me as well…He cheated on me with one of my friends and kept trying to get back with me. He ended up dating 5 of my friends that hung out with me. I also developed an eating disorder at the time. I figured I wasn’t good enough for him and the reason was because I was ugly and fat. So I began starving myself and cutting even more. I probably have 5,000+ cuts total. I cut 100+ times in one session. My mom found out several times afterwards but I never stopped, nor did she do anything to try and stop me.
I moved before my sophomore year. I was still cutting and starving myself. This was when checking my weight became obsessive. Even to this day I weigh myself about 7 times a day. Every time I pass a mirror, I have to look at myself and all I can think about is how fat I look…I cry when I see I’ve gained a pound and get overly joyous when I lose one.
I began dating my current boyfriend, Paul. He knew I was a cutter and after a while, he threatened to break up with me if I didn’t stop, I never did. I’ve contemplated suicide a couple times while dating him as well. I met my currently best friend, Chani, during this time too. Btw her tumblr is nimrodpooptart. She is basically my twin. We are so much alike, it’s ****** scary but I love that woman! She is the only person that truly understands me. There’s not a day I’m not glad I met her
During my senior year, I began dieting instead of starving myself. I dropped almost 10 pounds. I was at my lowest weight of 97 pounds. I gained it back and wasn’t happy so the dieting continued. I was starving some days and restricting on others and binging on the rest :/ it’s a never-ending cycle. I began using laxatives in order to lose weight…ended up in the hospital from overdosing on them. I stopped using them afterwards. I had a caffeine overdose no too long afterwards >> I had to pee so much that night D; I was at 96 pounds but went back up. I began getting anxiety attacks as well…they’re the worst thing ever. My cutting has died down a little but I always get the urge to cut again. Lately every time I cut, the cuts get deeper and deeper. My dieting hasn’t stopped…I don’t think I’ll ever be free from it.
The name’s Sharea a.k.a Cuppy or Cuppycake. 18 years old/cutter/anxiety/depression/eating disordered
If you took the time to read this, you’re amazing Sorry this was reeeeeeeeaally long D;