Oct 06, 2008
Second counselling session with my wife today. Different counsellor, who is much better than the last one we went to. She gives us time and opportunity to say what we want to say without butting in, interrupting, jumping to conclusions, or trying to take the discussion into inappropriate areas. The flip side of this is that, after an hour of this, I come out feeling like not a great deal has been achieved other than us both telling each other a bunch of stuff that we both already know.
So what happens is that, in the counselling session, my wife makes it clear that for her, she does not love me any more and it is definitely all over - for her the session is about how we move on from here, what happens. She hates what has happened, hates hurting me so much, feels guitly about screwing up my life, all of this, but the fact remains that it is over.
The words coming out all make sense, they all go together to create a coherent message. But my heart just cannot (or does not want to) believe it. So, a few days after the last session, I start to wonder whether it is really all over, or whether there is still some hope - this is probably obvious from my last journal post and how I reacted to the comments. And I return to the state I was in before, of wanting and hoping and trying to make it all better. Then we have another counselling session, and the same message comes out, not quite so upsetting since I have heard it before, but already after a few hours I'm feeling the draw to go back to denial and hope, because that is a more comfortable place for me to be. I can already foresee that this could be a repeating pattern, the reality of the situation in counselling followed by a slip back into denial until the next session.
I can't handle it really being over. I don't want it to be over. I can't accept that it is over. I don't even want to start thinking about the logistics of it being over (do I stay in the house, if not where do I go, sharing childcare, money arrangements etc. etc.) because those thoughts belong in some bizarre other world where my wife and I are split up, and that world seems totally unreal and unimaginable to me.
Time will tell if this gets any better. I get the feeling my wife is coming along to counselling largely to try and help me come to terms with this, she's there more for my sake than her own (but she has her own counselling sessions to deal with her issues, something I intend to return to too). Every time I get frustrated and upset and knocked back by the fact that the counselling, from her point of view, is to help us move forward with splitting up, rather than an opportunity to see if we can get back together.
This is going to be a long road, and I don't like where it is heading...