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I can see a pattern developing...

Oct 06, 2008 - 2 comments
Tags:

Separation

,

counselling

,

breakup

,

relationship



Second counselling session with my wife today.  Different counsellor, who is much better than the last one we went to.  She gives us time and opportunity to say what we want to say without butting in, interrupting, jumping to conclusions, or trying to take the discussion into inappropriate areas.  The flip side of this is that, after an hour of this, I come out feeling like not a great deal has been achieved other than us both telling each other a bunch of stuff that we both already know.

So what happens is that, in the counselling session, my wife makes it clear that for her, she does not love me any more and it is definitely all over - for her the session is about how we move on from here, what happens.  She hates what has happened, hates hurting me so much, feels guitly about screwing up my life, all of this, but the fact remains that it is over.

The words coming out all make sense, they all go together to create a coherent message.  But my heart just cannot (or does not want to) believe it.  So, a few days after the last session, I start to wonder whether it is really all over, or whether there is still some hope - this is probably obvious from my last journal post and how I reacted to the comments.  And I return to the state I was in before, of wanting and hoping and trying to make it all better.  Then we have another counselling session, and the same message comes out, not quite so upsetting since I have heard it before, but already after a few hours I'm feeling the draw to go back to denial and hope, because that is a more comfortable place for me to be.  I can already foresee that this could be a repeating pattern, the reality of the situation in counselling followed by a slip back into denial until the next session.

I can't handle it really being over.  I don't want it to be over.  I can't accept that it is over.  I don't even want to start thinking about the logistics of it being over (do I stay in the house, if not where do I go, sharing childcare, money arrangements etc. etc.) because those thoughts belong in some bizarre other world where my wife and I are split up, and that world seems totally unreal and unimaginable to me.

Time will tell if this gets any better.  I get the feeling my wife is coming along to counselling largely to try and help me come to terms with this, she's there more for my sake than her own (but she has her own counselling sessions to deal with her issues, something I intend to return to too).  Every time I get frustrated and upset and knocked back by the fact that the counselling, from her point of view, is to help us move forward with splitting up, rather than an opportunity to see if we can get back together.

This is going to be a long road, and I don't like where it is heading...

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by mayflowers, Oct 06, 2008
It sounds like your wife really wants out and she is going to counciling to help you understand it better.  While this is very admirable of her, you are still holding on to the hope that she will change her mind.  It doesn't sound like she will.  Once someone falls out of love, and they start sleeping with someone else, that person has pretty much moved on.  You haven't moved on though and that is very sad.  The reality may be in your brain but it hasn't reached your heart yet.  

I couldn't live in the same house with my ex, even if it were for the children.  Get an apartment close by and share custody.  Get some therapy for yourself to figure out why you would stay with someone who clearly does not want to be with you anymore.  That is the real issue that I see.  Not the kids. Except that the kids will some day know that their dad was a doormat for their mother.  It's hard to respect your father when he's like that.  I mean, it's nice that you tried to make it work but she's out of there emotionaly and physically.

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by mami1323, Oct 06, 2008
I'm sorry sammy that it's turning out like this.  I think at some point, when you are ready to accept it, you need to start moving forward with your life.  She certainly isn't stopping hers for you, go out, enjoy yourself.  Even though I know it must be hard.  I think your couples counseling should end and your individual counseling should begin.  Couples counseling only works if both parties are willing to make their relationship work.  If one person isn't emotionally invested, then there is no point to it.  I think individual counseling will help with your self esteem issues and give you the strength and motivation to move ahead.  You can still be close with your ex, good friends for the sake of your children but you need to take some time for yourself.  You need to heal and being in the same house with her will not allow that.  Good luck as always.

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