Baby girl was born Sleeping.... 10.19.11

The hardest thing I ever had to deal with popped up in my world. I was 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant and just getting use to being pregnant. I had a hard time with the pregnancy being that I was recently single after 10 years and 9 months. How did that happen? My ex didn't want to be a family guy. He chose to be single and live in under the same roof as his family. Not with this chick. I kicked him out in early Sept. He never called or wrote and sent money or nothing. He is 29. With a 2 year old and one on the way. He made it so hard for us. I was so stressed and upset and not ready to bring another baby into this world. Especially not another baby for my dead beat baby's dad. I cursed my pregnancy. I thought of adoption. I didn't tell my family until I was 30weeks. I was super small with the pregnancy. It was my 3rd pregnancy and I was so small so I didn't tell people until I was 5 1/2 months til delivery at 7 1/2 months. SO I went to my appts as scheduled. I noticed a little less movement but chalked it up to an in active baby. So when I heard the heart beating  I was fine. Five weeks of small movements 3 NST's and the dr didn't seem concerned. Finally at my 30 week appt. I was told I need to go to the hospital for evaluation because I had protein in my urine and blood pressure was 220/134. It was time for the fundus check and heart tones. To my surpise nothing. US machine comes rolling in and there was my baby girl. Sleeping without a heartbeat. The worst words I heard that day. "I'm sorry dear." I looked and asked " Sorry for what?"  "Your baby doesn't have a heart beat." Oh My Gosh. I broke down and cried. Even through I had trouble excepting the pregnancy she was still my baby. She was my flesh and blood. She was my child. I cried a while and waiting for the nurse to give me orders and off to the hospital I went. Only 5 hours til she was born. I was drugged up so I don't remember much. I was diagnosed with HELLP and severe Pre Eclampsia. I am alive but my health was really bad off during and after this sad time. I finally got better and was released. My baby also suffered from IUGR. So she was really small and so was my placenta. She had a hard time in utero and nobody knew. I blamed myself and the dr.s but truth is it wasn't her time to live on this earth. It wasn't in god's plan for us to have her. I will have my chance with her again one day. But today she is smiling over us.