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Starting over YET Again

Nov 28, 2011 - 6 comments
Tags:

pills

,

sobriety

,

relapse

,

Addiction



Part of me has been wondering lately if i will just be FOREVER trying to be clean and never getting there. This time of year used to be my favorite and now nothing matters to me besides my addiction. I cant get happy about a tree or feel cozy at home because im so caught up in the whole thing. Im caught up in the feelings, the lifestyle and i Dont want it anymore. I havnt slept through the night in over 4 days and I am constantly exhausted and broken. I want. my. life. back. This *****.

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by laurel453, Nov 28, 2011
Don't you ever lose hope... it took me a lot to reach here, just keep fighting for you, you do deserve a better life, a healthy one... keep repeating to  yourself this kind of thoughts, one day you will know it is the day to start again... active addiction is the hardest life i know and as long as we keep using, we keep destroying our soul and our minds are trapped in a sort of cycle of negative and we can not see a way out... no matter how many attempts, there is a way out, dear evil...... maybe tomorrow ? maybe another day but don't lose your faith.... learn from the past, ask for help... i don't mean the  online help, we will be here, sure... but how about going to an NA meeting, evil ?

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by evilways, Nov 28, 2011
I want to go to NA meetings so badly. I dont have a car though and i think im using that as an excuse to not reach out. I am so grateful for you laurel. You are always here for me and i appreciate it more than you know. I hate HATE what drugs have done to me. I guess all in all, im not so bad off. Im only addicted to pills. Ive never done herion or coke or anything and my pill use isnt as bad as it could be.  I just want my energy back. my body. I Dont want to be sitting here taking care of my 5 month old niece like i do everyday, and thinking about pills. How badly i want one.
Thank you so much. I am glad i have a friend here....

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by 10356, Nov 28, 2011
Hi Evilways it is good to see you post again. I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this predicament again. addiction ***** and boredom is a Giant trigger.. It is very difficult to take care of a baby even one you give back. If you called around to meetings you may find someone willing to pick you up maybe in the evenings. but getting support would be good.. Please do not ever give up. It took me awhile to get it together but each time we try we get closer then one day you just have had enough and do what it takes to get clean. being a slave to a pill is no way to live. we were meant to feel to be free of body and mind. I will be sending a prayer for you. lesa

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by evilways, Nov 28, 2011
Thank you so much. Im sitting here reading all my messages from you guys and im crying because you all have so much faith in me and my ability to get clean. I want to have that kind of faith in myself. I wish i could just snap my fingers and wake up in six months clean and sober. But thats cowards thinking and i know im stronger than that. I have so much love for all of you and i Will try so hard to not let you down. Thats not saying i wont, but i am going to try. thank you.....

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by 10356, Nov 28, 2011
eveilways it comes about in the trying.. I'm glad you are going to try again and yes you are Stronger then that and you are Worth so much more then what we feel in active addiction. as Laurel said I never felt so low clean as I did high be it drugs our booze. you will not always feel bad. if you let go get clean in a few weeks new and wonderful things open up Like the smell of food a pretty day clouds in the sky. when was the last time you just watched the clouds float by ? active addiction robs us of everything but the depression it holds us in. I will be sending prayers and I'm here for support. you are very welcome my friend You are so Worth the effort.. hugs

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by dominosarah, Nov 28, 2011
You never fail as long as you keep trying~~There will come a time when you will see that you are worth it.  When you let those pills go, life begins.  sara

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