Nov 29, 2011
Well, after what seems to me, a very long leave from MH... I finally found the strength to come back on today. I want to first start off by thanking each and everyone of you for checking in on me. You will never know how much that means.
I am really sorry I just vanished... but, to tell the truth ladies. I am not doing well mentally. I have been in a very dark place of negative thoughts and energy. As you all know, not like me at all. Infertility is taking it's toll on me. Period. It's been 2 1/2 years and 3 surgeries since we started this nightmare... and time is still ticking away.
When I went to my SIS (saline induced sonogram) it was discovered that band of scarring had returned from my surgery in January. Mind you... there was a 5% chance out of 100% of this happening. Anyway, the scar broke from the pressure from the saline being injected. The RE that did the test said it was NOT in an area that could harm my chances of my FET working... and would advice my RE to move foward.
I called the surgeon that did my surgery in January, and he said if my lining didn't look opitmal on my 14 day scan... to cancel the FET and schedule a hysteroscopy. He wasn't even sure we should proceed even if i did pass the scan... but said that if my lining measured over 8mm... it would be worth a shot. My cavity was open... and look good otherwise.
All of this just sent me into an even darker place. I couldn't even read my notes from you ladies, and I couldn't read updates on others. My mind just wouldn't let me. I can't explain that.... but, it's the truth.
I then looked up a person that does Mayan massage. It is a massage on the stomach that helps break up internal scarring. She was absolutely wonderful! She was a mini therapist of sorts. I cried with her and laughed with her.
That was the Thursday before my lining scan. She taught me a massage to do on my uterus to help the scar from reforming, and I used Caster Oil Packs everyday for an hour to an hour and 1/2. They also keep scarring from reforming, and if it happens too, it keeps it weak and flimsy.
She also told me I HAD to start thinking more positively... that I had to start leaning on my friends again and that I was closing myself off from everyone. She couldn't have been more right.
I went the following Wednesday for my lining scan... I had high hopes, but was ready to hear the words... you need another hysteroscopy and surgery.
I climbed on the table, and waited for the worst news possibe....
The RE then said.... " it doesn't look good"... Tears welled up in my eyes, and the darkness came rushing back. Then he said... "Well, let's measure it first"... Ladies, I swear GOD laid his hands upon me at the moment. When I thought I had been proven right, that he had abandoned me, and left me in the darkness.... n the RE said.... "well wait, we're measuring at 8.2mm... that's really good!!!!" The darkness left, just as quick, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that GOD was in that room with me, holding me together. I knew that was my sign he hasn't left me, and he has been carrying me for the last month. I know he had everything to do with that measurement! I felt the darkness start to leave....
I continued to to my Caster Oil packs until yesterday morning, and today Tuesday 11/29/11, we implanted 2 embryos!!! I couldn't even come on here for support, as I was so afraid I would jinx something.
Please fogive me for my absence. I am far from in a great place, but I am getting better daily. This is our 5th FET... 3rd with Good embryos.... so I say 3. I m/c and 2 bfn's. so, I am praying for a BFP. If I don't get it, I just don't know what will happen to my mental health at that point.
I again, want to thank each and everyone of your for your loving words and never ending support. I am truely blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. I thank God for you often!!!
Love You each and everyone and Baby Dust!!!!