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Sorry I have been MIA... Please read and understand.   It's long... I apologize.

Nov 29, 2011 - 45 comments

Well, after what seems to me, a very long leave from MH... I finally found the strength to come back on today.  I want to first start off by thanking each and everyone of you for checking in on me.  You will never know how much that means.

I am really sorry I just vanished... but, to tell the truth ladies.  I am not doing well mentally.  I have been in a very dark place of negative thoughts and energy.  As you all know, not like me at all.  Infertility is taking it's toll on me. Period.  It's been 2 1/2 years and 3 surgeries since we started this nightmare... and time is still ticking away.  
When I went to my SIS (saline induced sonogram) it was discovered that  band of scarring had returned from my surgery in January.  Mind you... there was a 5% chance out of 100% of this happening.  Anyway, the scar broke from the pressure from the saline being injected.  The RE that did the test said it was NOT in an area that could harm my chances of my FET working... and would advice my RE to move foward.  

I called the surgeon that did my surgery in January, and he said if my lining didn't look opitmal on my 14 day scan... to cancel the FET and schedule a hysteroscopy.  He wasn't even sure we should proceed even if i did pass the scan... but said that if my lining measured over 8mm... it would be worth a shot.  My cavity was open... and look good otherwise.

All of this just sent me into an even darker place.  I couldn't even read my notes from you ladies, and I couldn't read updates on others.  My mind just wouldn't let me.  I can't explain that.... but, it's the truth.

I then looked up a person that does Mayan massage.  It is a massage on the stomach that helps break up internal scarring.  She was absolutely wonderful!  She was a mini therapist of sorts.  I cried with her and laughed with her.  
That was the Thursday before my lining scan.  She taught me a massage to do on my uterus to help the scar from reforming, and I used Caster Oil Packs everyday for an hour to an hour and 1/2.  They also keep scarring from reforming, and if it happens too, it keeps it weak and flimsy.  
She also told me I HAD to start thinking more positively... that I had to start leaning on my friends again and that I was closing myself off from everyone.  She couldn't have been more right.

I went the following Wednesday for my lining scan...  I had high hopes, but was ready to hear the words... you need another hysteroscopy and surgery.  

I climbed on the table, and waited for the worst news possibe....

The RE then said.... " it doesn't look good"...  Tears welled up in my eyes, and the darkness came rushing back.  Then he said... "Well, let's measure it first"... Ladies, I swear GOD laid his hands upon me at the moment.  When I thought I had been proven right, that he had abandoned me, and left me in the darkness.... n the RE said.... "well wait, we're measuring at 8.2mm... that's really good!!!!"  The darkness left, just as quick, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that GOD was in that room with me, holding me together.  I knew that was my sign he hasn't left me, and he has been carrying me for the last month.  I know he had everything to do with that measurement!  I felt the darkness start to leave....

I continued to to my Caster Oil packs until yesterday morning, and today Tuesday 11/29/11, we implanted 2 embryos!!!  I couldn't even come on here for support, as I was so afraid I would jinx something.  

Please fogive me for my absence.  I am far from in a great place, but I am getting better daily.  This is our 5th FET... 3rd with Good embryos....  so I say 3.  I m/c and 2 bfn's.  so, I am praying for a BFP.  If I don't get it, I just don't know what will happen to my mental health at that point.  

I again, want to thank each and everyone of your for your loving words and never ending support.  I am truely blessed to have each and every one of you in my life.  I thank God for you often!!!

Love You each and everyone and Baby Dust!!!!





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by hopeitworks, Nov 29, 2011
You need not to apologize to us. You take all the time you need and do what is best for yourself. You are an amazing inspiration and support to so many of us on here. We will continue to pray and think of you even when your away.
PLease think positive happy thoughts, tell yourself over and over that its your time. You deserve this. I am praying for you and hoping to read a update of a BFP soon. Know that good things come to those who wait and you my friend have waited, and your time is coming.

Welcome back!

xoxo
Leanne

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by Helen72, Nov 29, 2011
What a rollercoaster!!  Hoping for a bfp!

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by mhv, Nov 29, 2011
Leanne,

Thank you so much my dear friend.  You always make me smile :)  I am imagining those lil ones burying themselves in healthy, fluffly lining.  I will tell myself over and over that this IS my time.  

Hugs and Kisses!
Melissa

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by tones99, Nov 29, 2011
oh love .. I completely understand where you are coming from .. and it is totally normal for you to hide out and feel that darkness for a while .. just so long as whenever it happens again .. you just realise it's normal but don't stay in that place for too long.

but I am totally hoping that those dark days are behind you and that you are getting good news very very soon!  I had wondered what was happening with you and was checking for your updates every day so am so happy to see you back again!  I will be eagerly awaiting your news xx

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by mhv, Nov 29, 2011
Tones,  
You are right.  I am not  person whom lives in darkness.  It is very foreign to me.  I have to learn to keep letting others in, and to lean on them when I am weak.  You ladies are again... amazing!!!

Helen,

Your right!  It's a rollarcoaster and I want off! :)  Thank you for your prayers!  They are needed and appreciated!


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by retta483, Nov 29, 2011
omg i got goose bumps :)  woo hoo great news

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by Sherri90049, Nov 29, 2011
Oh Melissa! I'm sorry this all has been such a rollercoaster! You deserve your BFP and you deserve it NOW! We did miss you, but I am glad that you were able to use the down time to do something for YOU! The massage sounds amazing! I will have to look into that! Probably good for uterine blood flow, too, I bet!

I hope you are at a good place now, or at least a place of peace. You have done everything you can do! Those two little embies are doing their thing! I hope they both stick! I will be praying for you daily as hard as I can, sweetie, that your BFP is right around the corner! Hang in there just a little longer! Sending you tons of SSBD!!! xo

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by Rellyrell, Nov 29, 2011
No need to apologize I was wondering where you was and how things was going.... I'm glad that two great embryos was implanted for you!!!! I've been praying for you and will continue. God will carry you through!!!

Good Luck & God Bless
SSBD

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by haz1104, Nov 29, 2011
u have every right to thru ur TTC journey the way u feel is most suitable for ur health. whats more important than us right now is ur physical and mental health that will keep u going and give us a chance to c u more often.
SO, u hold on to ur dream lady, cuz God is def with us and we're all living proofs of that. we will keep u in our thoughts and prayers until u get ur miracle baby..
b strong as always dreams DO come true
hugs,
Hala

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by plumber43, Nov 29, 2011
Oh Mel, I'm so sorry for this roller coaster. I know how you feel! I pray for your BFP!
All my Love and I am sprinkling super special sticky baby dust upon you!
I am 3 days ahead of you and I just know your gonna get your BFP!
Melanie

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by Kimberleigh2208, Nov 29, 2011
I have been in those dark places while TTC and I think it is normal to shut people out -- I definitely did.  Not that that is what you should do, I am just sympathizing because I know how dark it got for me.  I didn't want to be here anymore because I couldn't see putting myself through the pain of TTC anymore and it was all I could think of doing (TTC that is).  I finally leaned on the right people though because I knew leaving this world wasn't an option and I knew, deep down, there was more to life than TTC, I just couldn't see past it right then.  

I am proud of you for continuing this fight.  I know it is hard and there are no guarantees but I hope you know that no matter what happens with this cycle, the option to go on in life is the only option.  You may not be that low to need that reminder and I pray that you don't, just always remember how loved you are and that God put his healing touch to you in that room and will always be there for you. And so will we!  

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by Kimberleigh2208, Nov 29, 2011
I have been in those dark places while TTC and I think it is normal to shut people out -- I definitely did.  Not that that is what you should do, I am just sympathizing because I know how dark it got for me.  I didn't want to be here anymore because I couldn't see putting myself through the pain of TTC anymore and it was all I could think of doing (TTC that is).  I finally leaned on the right people though because I knew leaving this world wasn't an option and I knew, deep down, there was more to life than TTC, I just couldn't see past it right then.  

I am proud of you for continuing this fight.  I know it is hard and there are no guarantees but I hope you know that no matter what happens with this cycle, the option to go on in life is the only option.  You may not be that low to need that reminder and I pray that you don't, just always remember how loved you are and that God put his healing touch to you in that room and will always be there for you. And so will we!  

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by sisi2399, Nov 29, 2011
My dear friend ive been in that dark place so many times, I know exactly how u feel.  I almost gave up on this fet but didnt and look so far everything looks good.  God's plans are perfect and I belueve that we will have the perfect bsby for us.

life is diffucult and if we turn away from God and our true friends life turns to b imposible.  We are all experiencing pretty much the same feelings at one time or another so we are the perfect source of hope, encouragement, faith.

I am here for you any time you need me to cry or smile.  You are one of my firsts mh friends and I kniw we will make it thru this time.  Keep ur head up and remembe, believe and b blessed.

Luv yah!!!!!

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by Savanha, Nov 29, 2011
Melissa...

You are the Woman! ;o) Sending message.

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by 2nd_miracle, Nov 29, 2011
Welcome back dnt know u much but god is always the in the light as well in the darkness even if we're too sadden to see it.. I myself is going thru some really hard times but all I  can do is wait, pray n have lots of faith.. I will pray my friend for ur BFP u sooo deserve it as well as for all of us... take care

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by CarlaLP, Nov 29, 2011
Melissa,

I know ALL about dark places.. I have been there many times and many times lately. However I was just thinking about all of my Medhelp friends the other day and how many of them have had their dreams come true, and I firmly believe it will happen for you too. You have always been such an inspiration to me and you continue to be.

Never apologize for being MIA.. I was MIA during my IVF- you do what you have to do for your sanity- I get it :)

I wish so much for all to go your way and for the darkness to lift. I will send positive vibes your way and as always you will be in my prayers.

Charlie says that if he can smile through his tough stuff so can you !!!!

Keep us posted sweetie. We are all here for you.



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by bonniemm3, Nov 29, 2011
I'm new here and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes things we want are out of reach and just when you think you can grab it it moves away more. But, not God . It would be easy to ask God  I want this and its given to us . But it doesn't work that way.When I have the worst  day and all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep I thank God for such a beautiful day .Because I'm alive and I'm surrounded by people that love me.So when this darkness surrounds you hold God's hand tighter and don't let go ...

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by juana105, Nov 29, 2011
I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this... But I am also happy and grateful to God that you are back!
You are stronger than you think and this is your time!!!
xoxo

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by melimeli, Nov 29, 2011
many many prayers and positive energy coming you way for you and your embies!!!  everything is crossed for you girl!!!

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by Moma_Cher, Nov 30, 2011
This journey definitly takes its toll. Sending you love and light... Praying for your bfp.



Hugs,

Cheri

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by Risa615, Nov 30, 2011
Sending you hugs Melissa. I do know how hard thus journey is. Praying for you that good news is around the corner.
Risa

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by Rose33, Nov 30, 2011
So happy you finally got to do the transfer!! think positive thoughts my friend! I know how hard it can be but you will get there!


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by krichar, Nov 30, 2011
I have been in the dark place and know how consuming it is.  Your massage therapist was right... You need to rely on your friends and support systems. Stay positive, keep telling yourself this is your turn. As hard as it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel it is there...I can promise you that! Like I have said in my journals before. Once you are holding your little one it will all be worth it and you will understand God's plans. If I hadn't had all my struggles I wouldn't have my little man and I would change any of it for the world! You will see, sending you tons of prayers!

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by journey2motherhood, Nov 30, 2011
You never have to apologize, I think we all know how easily this can take over our lives.  It's a challenge to stay above the water at times and you start to feel like you're going to drown.  It's easy to go there during this journey but - I am happy you are back and I am praying with everything I have that this time you finally get your BFP!! We are all here for you - )) xoxo

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by usuk, Nov 30, 2011
Your dark place it still less shameful than one of my good days girl. None of this is unusual, we just do not all admit it. But saying things out loud helps them loose their power over us. And you've done that now. I was just released from my RE and we joked that I should get a bench in the lobby with my name on it. It has been since 2008. Just because you are the "go to" girl on med help for optimism does not mean you cannot lean on us. I am happy to hear you waited until you were all measured and implanted before coming back. That pressure to perform for the world wide web can be overwhelming. Worry about you and DH and those beans. We will take over being the rock for a change. You are on vacation :)

Xoxoxo

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by Hopefulcb, Nov 30, 2011
Wonderful news!! Looks like your little miracle is just around the corner!!  I know this journey is incredibly tough and we all definitely have hit the dark times.... So no worries. You take care of you and know that we will all be here whenever you need us! The best part about all this is when your dream does come true despite all odds. You look back and know that all the hardship was worth it. I really get a good feeling about your transfer this time!! Everything is lining up!! Hugs!!

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by smile7281, Dec 01, 2011
My husband says this often to me that stop reading information on the internet coz no people are the same. I had drowned myself in the whirlpool of negative thoughts and I think that's why I was attracting negative energy. I started chanting and trust me it has helped a lot. I am praying for you and hey.....think this way your outer world reflects your inner world. Think positive and be happy and everything will be positive and seriously imo stay away from the internet for a while. It's good for mental health :)) Wish you lots of good luck and baby dust to you....2011 is your's :))

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by mhv, Dec 01, 2011
Carla-  Thank you so much!  You are right, if Charlie can smile, so can I!  Somehow someday, I will realize my dream.  I am praying that is now!!

Usuk,  You made me cry!!  Thank you guys for being my rock!  I need a boulder right now, and it is so nice to know each and everyone of you are here for me.  You are so deserving of this pregnancy.  It could not have happened to a better person!  Thank you again for your suppport.  

Hopeful-  I am soooo going to feel like I won the lottery when I get to hold a lil one in my arms!!!!  Boy, I sure hope you are right about this cycle!  I'll take it!! :)

Sherry= Check out the massage for sure!  It is wonderful for the uterus!  The lady I went to has 14 years of experience.  I was really shocked she could tell where the scar was when she couldn't "see inside my uterus" and she said "i see with my fingers and hands"... simply amazing!!!!

TO EVERY AMAZING PERSON WHO HAS POSTED TO ME:  Thank you each and Every one for your kind kind words.  I realize fertility is not a race to see who gets to the finish line first... it just matters that we get to the finish line somehow, someway.  You have lifted my spirits, and I needed that.  I want so badly for this cycle to work.  I am rubbing my tummy often and telling the embryos I want them to stay around.  Hopefully they will listen :)

Hugs and Kisses to each and everyone of you!!!!!!

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by wishing_hoping, Dec 01, 2011
Bless your heart. You should never apologize for how you feel or how you handle things. I couldny even look at a pregnant woman when we were struggling with infertility. The best advice I ever got was to just get by however you can, unless you're harming yourself do what you have to do to get through each day. Do what you have to do to keep yourself from going insane. I promise you'll look back at this and realize it was worth it, when you hold your baby in your arms...and you WILL hold your baby in your arms, you will realize it was worth it. You are in my prayers.

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by Hopeful4aBlessing, Dec 02, 2011
Melissa,
You are such am amazing woman! You are more strong than you give yourself credit for. No apologies for taking a break-we all truly understand that more than just your average gal. Many of us struggling just like you-we try to be so strong but the bottom line, we all need help at some point or another. Be kind to yourself and know whatever happens we are all here for you! I wish you all of the best and pray its your time-but either way, we are here for you always!
Many hugs and baby dust!
Stephanie

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by Erin74, Dec 04, 2011
Sending you hugs and praying for your BFP and that your next journey is the wonderful journey of pregnancy!!!

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by Kristyingeorgia, Dec 04, 2011
My christmas wish is that you get your BFP!!! I will pray about it tonight and will be sending you so mnay positive thoughts and prayers till your beta. XOXOXXO

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by mhv, Dec 05, 2011
Thanks ladies for all your wonderful words and encouragement.  It means the world to me!!!  I am so blessd to have found all of you!!   Well, I am 6dp 5dt, and have had, and am having NO symptoms.  My breast's are not even sore, and that has never happened in all of my transfers.  So, looks like we are heading for another bust cycle.  UGH!  Well, we have 6 embryos left.  I just pray that our lil one(s) are in there somewhere.  Thanks for your thoughs and prayers.  They are needed and appreciated.

Hugs to all!!!

Melissa

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by TAGLAS, Dec 05, 2011
Don't give up hope Hun !!! Maybe the symptoms you're experiencing could be different from the last for a reason:) I'm so praying you get a BFP!

SSBD TO ALL!!!

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by Helen72, Dec 05, 2011
Melissa,
Any symptoms before 7-8 weeks are probably in person's head.  Whatever signs you may develop at this early stage are probably from progesterone injections.  I had none before I was 10 weeks and very little even then.  

The improtant question is: when are you going to POAS??????

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by mjmom69, Dec 05, 2011
I don't know how I missed this note. I've not been on here alot lately either I guess, just to update my temps.
What a wonderful, inspiring story! I'm so happy that you are in a better place and I'm praying for your BFP this time. I know God can work miracles and I hope so much for a miracle for you! I'll be watching for you news and knowing that no matter what, We'll be here for you!

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by mhv, Dec 05, 2011
I don't know if I will POAS or not... I never had... Heck, this cycle has been sooooo different... maybe I should!  I would fit right in with the cycle for sure!



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by Levi97, Dec 06, 2011
I am praying for you!!

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by butterflybabies, Dec 06, 2011
Praying this is the one!!!

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by tones99, Dec 06, 2011
I can't wait to see your result .. hoping and hoping this is it for you!!

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by Helen72, Dec 06, 2011
When is your beta???  The wait is killing me!!!

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by missienal, Dec 07, 2011
YOU are one of the biggest supporters on here...I can say personally there were some days i don't think i could have picked myself up without your words! I am so hoping, as many others on here, for YOU to be successfull!

♥ Mel. :-)

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by missienal, Dec 07, 2011
And I say YES...go POAS!!!!! hehe

When is your beta anyways??

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by Mariana101, Dec 10, 2011
This made me cry :(  OMG!!! but now you got your BFP!!! I am really praying for you. What a nightmare rollercoaster

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by plumber43, Jul 24, 2013
Wow Mel, we really have come a long way!
Hugs and kisses my friend,
your twins are beautiful and no he never left you!
Melanie

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