I'm trying to find myself as a person, sometimes that's not easy to do. Millions of people live their entire lives without finding themselves. But it is something I must do. The best way for me to find myself as a person is to prove to myself that I am an actor.
For years I have been telling myself a lie, living a lie. Today I make the choice to no longer live that lie or life. For years I have disillusioned myself that I did not have a problem and that I was a functioning addict, the truth of this that that’s a lie you tell yourself to justify your behavior, to make yourself okay with your actions and mind frame. I have done some soul searching in my past, I have had my fair share of trials and tribulations, but the decision has been made to face my own lies and to make real effort to change, here lays the challenge for so long I have lived my lie that in the here and now, in the wake of my pain and inner quest to find the man that I can truly can be, I no longer have a grip on what is real, what is truth. I know that I must come clean and be honest, God know that I deserve the pain that will come with this but do the people in my life deserve the pain that my truths will bring them? I know that the pain will be short lived to give way to real joy, I hope at least. I unsure rather I even know this feeling I have used my addictions for so long as crutch to cope with my problems to mask, and change my feelings that I fear I do not know what my real emotions are any longer. This fear I think is one of the reasons that I have taken it so far, my insecurity to trust in myself to cope with life without my addictions.
People use to tell me I had a spark they could see in my eyes, used to. I have wasted myself, my mind and my talents living these lies. I want my life back! I want to be something to the people close to me, more importantly I do not want to lose the people close to me, the ones who care for me and yet this fate maybe too close to the brink to avoid. The people I have pushed out of my life pains me to the point of tears in my reflections. My selfishness is a true irony; it has striped me of many things dear to me in pursuit of my disillusions. I guess that is why there are so many old stories to this point. The funny thing is that you hear and know the stories yet you do not connect with them until it is too late to take benefit of their morals. That is maybe the real story of my life, knowing better, speaking the wisdom but not applying towards my own life. I have always been amazed to find the advice I can give to others that is real and helpful, but for some reason this good advice seems to not be in stock when applied to my life.
Reading this sounds like the words of a man who is giving up, but to the contrary these are the words of a man who is ready to start. I must come to light with my problems, my down falls and be honest with myself if I have any chance of my real change. The truth is at this point I must be willing to do this myself, by myself if comes to that. The road I have in front of me will not be easy, and now I have to prepare for a voyage that is filled with challenges and personal trails. Right now I feel broken but maybe just maybe God will grant some grace along the way and I can become whole for the first time in a very long time.
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