Learning to live again.. is it possible??

I cannot for the life of me understand how people tolerate life after being on drugs for so long.  I guess I forgot how miserable life was because Ive been high for so long.  I never 'FELT' high the 2 years on sub, but I guess I must have been because being clean has turned on a BIG BRIGHT FLOURESCENT LIGHT and Im looking around thinking yuck, WTF is this life all about.  Seeing all the paint of my life peeling and the cracks in the foundation of my entire being.  I know I am being impatient and I have to give it time.  In my mind I know that.  I also know that all the years of use combined with the sub and the wicked hold the sub had on me, I am probably a little more than slightly damaged in the chemical/brain area.. so I dont trust everything I feel as truth.  However I am completely and thoroughly disgusted with life.  I really thought I had this perfect little life, perfect relationship, perfect friends.  I hate everyone now.  Literally can't stand them.  Obviously not my son, who is indeed close to a perfect child -- I am so lucky in that.  Must have done something right there.. but everything else.. How do you maintain a relationship with someone when you are miserable and unhappy and sad and cannot find joy in anything and this person is looking at you and wanting to know what is wrong and why cant he make you happy and why cant he make you smile.. and you WANT to say because Im fu*cked in the head and I feel like a stranger to you even though we've shared this bed for almost 10 years but what you actually say is I dont know, maybe your not good enough and you've failed me.  And you feel bad but you think maybe they did but what your really just angry because they cant make you happy and you know its because you are fu*cked in the head and for some reason you HATE him because your so f'd.   And I dont know the reason.  I don't know if perhaps I have been high since we met so maybe I really dont like him all that much.  He isnt the easiest person to live with... it has taken a long time to become cohesive but now Ive gone and changed it alll and did I ever really love him or was I just high all the time or am I just self sabatoging right now because subconsciously my head is still pissed off I took its meds away.. and I have no idea what to think so the only thing I can say for sure is that I will do nothing on impulse because I do not trust anything I feel.  

And your trying to talk to your close friends and you wonder why you have so many close friends and your really cannot come up with one reason why these people even like you because they seem so good and you are so f'd in the head and they are talking and your pretending to listen but you hear nothing because you cant focus on one thing they are saying to you and your still wondering why does this person like a piece of **** like me.. because lets face it looks are very deceiving.  I can look one way and pretend to be something and put up a great show and act but underneath it all, under the fake pretty-girl ********, I am truly just an ugly junkie and its a fight every second of my life not to look for a cold dark floor to sit on and make love to a bag of heroine.   And it KILLS me because most people will NEVER know this about me or my thoughts and I think maybe they are just stupid because I feel I am so transparant but I know its just because I am so good at playing the game and putting on the act and unless I told them they will never know.

You think to yourself ok this situation is bad.  I am bad.  I must get control.  I am living in the dark right now being owned by this addiction.  So you get clean and you think that life will fall into place and  you will get a much deserved "And they all lived happily ever after" But then you come out of the dark and are kind of reminded why you liked the dark so much anyway and you really want to go back into that comforting darkness because you know it, its familiar and everyone usually whispers in the dark..

So I am sitting here feeling utterly alone with all these thoughts which I am not use to because while using I dont think I thought much about anything.  And life is going on around me as usual.  My son is with his super grade A perfect father for the weekend and my partner is miserable and angry because I am miserable and angry and I cant not be miserable and angry and I really dont give a **** how he feels about it, but I know thats wrong but I still dont give a ****.  I am realizing I am more lost than ever.  And it feels so cliche.. like a bad movie that I find myself starring in.. and even saying that feels cliche and stupid.  But I have no idea how to act or react or what I want or what, if anything will ever make me happy again.  I know its not drugs.  I know relapse is not in my future.  I can barely remember back to a time when I was unexposed to drugs and I am trying to call upon that to get right and remember how life is good and can be good but Im struggling to remember.  I still have faith though.  And hope.  I really hope this stuff has a way of working itself out.