Im thinking I might be a masochist, i mean I stick around for free abuse whenever its needed.
But seriously folks, yesterday I did not write a journal as i was too worn out to do it, just could not think straight. Today I woke up feeling ****, slept next to no time last night and this cold is hanging around so I wasnt great but ok went with it, went to visit some old friends of mine because they love keryn and she gets on well and theyre just sweet people and that was nice, had lunch on the way back, stopped in and brought her a case for her new ipod and a bluetooth headset so she does not keep terrifying me by using he phone at 110kmhr on the motorway.
All is going well, im tired but coping, emotionally flat but not bad however we need to get some shopping, groceries. Now I like grocery shopping - its relaxing, I like to plan what I am eating the week ahead and i have started to put on weight due to a diet of total **** over the last month. Since keryn had her lap band surgery she can eat pretty much nothing so she eats very small amounts of stuff like soup and crackers and the like which means I am dependant on what we buy.
And for the last month she goes shopping during the week. Keryn has, and I mean this honestly, the worst food habits on the planet. 18 months of intensive dietitian visits and she still buys the junkiest **** she can given a chance - ask what she wants for dinner and her first response will be McDonalds or something like it, if she could eat anything it would be chips or chocolate.
I grew up eating well, my mother did not work when we were younger and when we got older she ran the family business from home so we always ate fresh vegetables and balanced meals - she was a nurse and knew nutrition. I put on a pile of weight after keryn and I started living together anyway - she loves bottled sauces and prepared foods.
But since she got the lap band she cant eat it. But what is she buying for me? Yep u guessed it. I get home and if she has thought about dinner (rare or more often "i didnt know what you wanted".. my work can ring me 24/7 but my wife cant use a mobile to ask about dinner?). its likely going to be steak and veges (microwaved, badly and cold) or chicken and veges or something like taco's if im lucky (I like tacos when I make them, i also like things with them like lettuce and tomato and the like not just mince and cheese) or junk food which I am invariably buying on the way home because nothing is out.
So I like shopping. It means the cupboard is not full of chocolate ( I love it but if its not in the house I wont eat it) - i can buy nuts and the like and I can buy some salad makings and generally healthier stuff.
Today.. OK up front Keryn's nickname is Sgt Major because she has a tendency to be bossy sometimes and she is tired and drained I know but when someone puts their hands on their hips and speaks to me like small child in a supermarket I tend to lose the plot. Im 7 years older than she is and I resent being treated like a damned child. This was because I did not want what she wanted for dinner. Yep and from there it went.
In the checkout line she asks me what we are going to eat thur and fri - I told her as im not working we can do anything - the funeral is wed. She then turns to me and says of course you are working thur and fri dont be silly...
Finally in the car on the way home she hit me with the line she should never have used - she complained about the need I have to have some downtime on a weekend and again reminded me of how stressful this time is for her. Ok i lost it, I admit it I truly lost it, i gave her a massive serve for her beaviour, reminded her I gave up my holidays and sat at home waiting on her sister to call, about how much **** her family gave to me ans till are and about everything else that was going on.
We are not talking. We had what she wanted for dinner. I ate about 2 mouthfulls of truly awful overcooked pasta and bottled sauce which of course she loves (ugh) - she means well and she is going through hell but I cant take much more of this. The concept that what her family are doing is hurting me as much as her and that im in this with her wont sink in and she still, 2 years on, cannot grasp the basics of what bipolar is.
After all this is said and done Im truly terrified of whats left of a marriage where one party refuses to listen to the other, I know I am not perfect and I am sometimes selfish but what I am seeing her family do was mirrored in her treatment of me today - 4 phone calls and each time we sit on the side of the damn road for half an hour in the sun while she says yes no and uhuh to her sister and mother.
Am i just being selfish? I still have not calmed down, I dont know where to go from here, a sane person would walk out now and get some help, at least spend the night in a hotel away from the problem but of course there's that whole being supportive thing again. I have given her everything she wants in the past months - Im at the end of knowing what to do here, I just want this funeral over so I can come to some closure, I think I might go away thursday and friday on my own down the coast to be away from it all - I think I need time to sort out my head and work out what I think.
Im just worried because right now what im thinking is maybe its time to try a seperation for a few months.
Mood Tracker
Post a Comment