Jan 04, 2012
The male Chastity thing I saw so long ago said "be careful what you wish for" and this was supposed to be a warning that getting your wife in sexual denying you might sound kinky or exciting but after 6 months of being kept on the edge and her having you comply with anything she comes up with hoping she lets you out?
So... We had a talk about driving together or not. My original feeling was that if we really do the complete disclosure thing we might not be suitable company for each other. *Avoid saying things we can't take back. Beth seemed to want me to drive with her and I thought that it would be ok if this really did become a come clean thing. Or if not we could talk side by side about where we go next. Lawyers I'm thinking a touch more.
The night before all this we broke our no talking about this without adult supervision and I told her that this was (the 4th?) time I was expecting the full disclosure letter. Beth said she had distroyed the old one (Felt so much shame) I was very direct that this was not going to fly and we might be back to the "you two have a good visit - I'm outta here" So, she spent last night scribbling. Why she can't just type it out I don't know but my guess is that she once again wants to make it up on the fly and make it sound like a big nothing.
When we got to the office I brought out some light hearted print outs "Therapy has taught me that its all MY fault" and "Everything is going to be allright. Not today but soon" This quickly went to my bringing out the extensive phone records which I think blew some minds. Beth started looking in detail and picked on page of calls saying "All of these were because his phone didn't work" Teri said words to the effect "Beth. Come on now." Or as I put it on a number of things "This is just BS" Beth went on to read her full disclosure letter and again made it all about "helping him" etc. *It makes me mad to type this stuff so refer to previous journals for the usual BS. I interrupted thinking I would be shushed but Teri seemed encouraging that I put a stop to it. I think in the big picture Beth was just repeating how it started and wasn't able to go past that to where it went. I told her I understood that it was different at the start but I wasn't interested in hearing that story again. Teri quizzed Beth on a variety of things she had done. Inviting him to help "Was there no one else?" I injected "Like the friends of mine that finished all the half done projects." And Teri said you were just looking for excuses to see him. Right? And Beth admitted this. And admitted that was the reason for her going over to his house. She started talking about the times she brought Stephanie and I interrupted (again) that I knew she was seeing him without Stephanie a number of times (Which was true) and shut up to let Teri talk because I felt worn out. Somewhere in the middle of this I took one Valium. I told them that this seemed like the perfect time for me to take a chill pill because I really was getting worn out. *Later in this talk I wanted to take a second but Teri talked me out of it. She said she needed me to be alert because this was the important stuff. And so Teri flat out asked her "Beth were you in love with Darlington?" Beth started crying nodded her head and said yes. She didn't elaborate on the physical aspects (The other couple of passes) but did mention that he expressly told her he wished that she could be with him. She talked a little but about soe of the visits etc that I had not heard about. A phone call from work where she told him that she wasn't going to talk to him. Him coming to visit her once at work and she wishing him luck and saying she was sorry it wasn't going to work out between them.
Expressing how I felt then was difficult. Teri asked me and started writing it down. Angry, humiliated, a "Sap" and just hurt. I think that this is one of the roughest things we've gone through together. Beth was to say the least distraught. Teri got very concerned and asked her if she was "safe" a word that I didn't quite understand. She apparently saw my confusion (Because I was afraid she thought I was a danger which was is NOT the case) She asked Beth if she had planed to kill herself and Beth Nodded which made me switch gears from relief (Knowing)/anger etc to feeling sympathy. Beth is so complicated and always seems to be able to surprise me. I think I'm more Fred like then I want to admit. I think Teri was very close to doing an inpatient for Beth but after we talked a while she asked me if I was planning on killing myself. I tried to make lite of it by saying "Other then the end of the world in October? No." Thats not my deal. We went 20 minutes past out alotted time and even as we left (Since its 2 weeks to the next visit) I asked her to give us some homework to keep us busy. She said to have compassion for each other which I guess is really the best thing we can do at this point.
When we got home we watched "breaking bad" and I commented that as screwed up as we were there were people in worse situations. Beth asked me if I needed to talk which surprised me. I rambled on about other people who had fallen down on their marriages and that I felt stupid for thinking we were immune. I told her that after Teri "forgave" me or rather helped me forgive myself for the failure with Joyce that I wasn't going to let this problem affect me in the same way. I told her "I didn't make you get together with him" etc. She said she was glad that she had suggested therapy and I said that its been one thing thats made me not be irrational (Demand a divorce etc) I included the depression and anxiety problems and how Teri seemed to have figured out a lot of the side issues that made it possible to get to this point. I talked about how so many things that had happened made sense (now) knowing she was in love with Darlington. I guess one thing that really made me feel like I had ducked a bullet was not doing that Male Chastity thing thinking it would help mold me into a better husband. At least Beth was honest enough to tell me that if she was in control it would end up with us not having sex. Which I guess lends more weight to Lisa's suggestion that women emotionally connected to another man will not be capable of sex with the "old" connection. So many of the bumps in our sex life now make perfect sense and my inability to solve them (Not knowing about them) also crystal clear.
After all this the sex part with Darlington came up and I guess I'm worn out from her denials about that. I told her that her having sex with him or not wasn't different. I admitted that I would be having an easier time if she had sex with him (or who ever) and it not be an emotional connection. I'm still thinking of getting the STDs tested which can't be too dumb an idea. Beth complained that nothing she said will make me believe her and all I could say was that I did believe her today but I didn't believe her before (When she lied) I think she was actually angry or worried that I wasn't trusting enough to believe BS when every alarm was going off in my head. How?
An observation. Beth told me that without me she would be a drunk. She admitted a lot of "addiction" problems in life and I think the "high" from a new relationship might be a similar issue. She told me that I've taken care of her so much in so many ways. *Nice to hear. And she washed dishes in the sink?! One topic on that note was the being late. I told her that one of the books talked about how people who continue to be late are telling you that you don't matter to them. Not speaking up is accepting this insult and that this probably should have clued me in. And its interesting that she is finding ways to be on time so much mor
Beth continues to read the black book. Thankfully thin and she say's she is going to go by it. I'm not sure exactly what to do other then have compassion. Hell I told her that having a young "stud" all worked up about her must have been difficult. I admitted I didn't know I would do any better if the same thing happened to me. Saying that I'm worried that this is all going to sound like I condone this. I sure as hell don't and I hope she understood that if she goes back to him or starts a new deal like this I won't be understanding. I will be trying to protect myself with some kind of lawyer.
I was so worn out from this I fell asleep on the couch for 20 minutes. Beth and I went to bed (I was too tired to pry myself out of the Manty Hose *And my legs feel better that way) and we ended up talking, hugging, sniffling and decided to "buzz" each other. A weird way to end this day but whatever works I'm all for it.