confused ... who am i ???

A lot of people have been saying they want the happy or funny or lovable tony that they knew.

The bad part is after dealing with these feelings for so long going back to well i graduated high school i was always doing my best to hide alot of things behind the smiles and the jokes, like that some nights i cried myself to sleep, that i woke up every morning for as far back as i can remember that i resented the fact that i was alive and that somedays even while smiling and being as happy and outgoing, nearly crumbling behind that mask and wanting to just cry and for it to finally end and quite honestly in many ways i dont know who i am anymore, let alone who i was or will be.

ill always be funny and hopefully smart as well but it will take sometime to find out what else might be because that mask is not there anymore and dont have to work so hard to hold that mask up, maybe just maybe i can find some of those things that i had so long ago. its kind of different for me to have goals that feal real instead of ones that i used say i had just to keep people off my back.

actually today when i was packing a few things i pulled out my grad cap, a picture of me and my date for the last christmas formal and my old gold star medal, my mom asked me why i had pulled them out, my only response was these are the things i am truly proud of that i accomplished and the only time i can remember that i didnt feel like a failure in such a long time. She didnt understand why i thought that, but honestly thats what i feel now. I want something that i can look at myself in the mirror and say i succeeded, i did this and on my own even if its just to remember that feeling for a few moments. Truth be told i miss it.

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