My Journey

Well hello ladies, I been gone for almost 10months now and I have been on a long ride.
I want to start by saying how happy I am for each of you and reading all your success stories.

For those who remember that I have PCOS and have been trying for 13 years now, I had Ovarian drilling in Oct 16, 2010 and it was a great success I ovulated on my own in Nov. 2010 after the OD and was put on metformin500mg a day. I ovulated on my own in 13 years wow that was a great feeling. I was put on femara 5mg CD 3-7 in Dec, Jan and Feb all three months I had ovulated and my progesterone levels were great still BFN. March came and I ovulated all on my own since I was off the femara I got my progesterone test done the numbers were awesome, but failed to stick. Took a break to get my head back in the game April came and took femara5mg again CD 3-7 ovulated again and once again progesterone was great but BFN. May took a break and June was the femara and progesterone awesome again BFP and lost 5 weeks in. I was so heartbroken didn’t know why this was happening to us. I was still in for going again and trying to see but I had only one more month left of femara so I didn’t take it for July and August I Ovulated on my own and got AF each time all BFN… September came and I said here we go last try, BFN and that was my last pill. October came all was great I ovulated again on my own I had all the great signs and even implantation bleeding but lost it at 3 weeks. I had thought this would be it even the RE didn’t know what was going on, my PCOS was gone had no cysts the whole year and progesterone was awesome nothing lower then 20’s and no baby. Nov came I was only spotting for 3-4 days brown old blood, thought I still was pregos but went in on Dec 15 to find out no baby and my PCOS was back full force that’s why I was having all those pains on my left ovary and here I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy. I looked at DH and cried I was like that’s it its over for us there was 30 cysts just in my left ovary and that was my good one. I was so hurt and I am not getting any younger. I told DH this is the end of the road for us, we have to accept that I will never be able to give you a child. He told me he doesn’t want to give up yet I said we lost our chance to have a child three times already. I am so done I have no more fight in me.  
Now here is the thing we could have been parents to a lil boy, this girl at DH job was giving up her baby because she was young and could not support another child so she asked if he wanted to have her baby who still was yet to be born and this was one of the months I was on my meds and got a BFN. He told her no, in hopes that I would get a BFP that month and I didn’t he and I were not ready to adopt a child we were still having the hope that I would get that sticky BFP and would have our own. when we got that BFN then DH was taking and investigating about adoption but it was too late she gave her baby to another couple I was hurt and upset with him and myself for turn him away. Yes it was a boy what we had wanted. I was like god gave us a change to be parents and we turn it away now we have to live with that and we can’t blame god for not letting us have a baby I said to him. He gave us a once in a life time chance and we turn our backs.
Now we have to live with that. I have no other options I am done with meds and I have no way of paying for IVF, yes I know you need money to raise a child that’s not a problem for us, I just don’t have a way to pay for upfront payment of 20000k for IVF we even looked into a sergeant moms and that’s 40000k no way we can pay for that. I wish I had some one in my family who would carry my child for me but I asked my sister and she told me flat out no, because she would not want to give me my baby because she would get attached to it. I was so hurt and told her it would be mines not urs you’re just carrying it for me. Either way it would never happen since we don’t have that kind of money just laying around. So there you have it, my wits end.