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My Journey

Jan 17, 2012 - 9 comments
Tags:

TTC

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IVF

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ttc with PCOS

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PCOS

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femara

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metformin



Well hello ladies, I been gone for almost 10months now and I have been on a long ride.
I want to start by saying how happy I am for each of you and reading all your success stories.

For those who remember that I have PCOS and have been trying for 13 years now, I had Ovarian drilling in Oct 16, 2010 and it was a great success I ovulated on my own in Nov. 2010 after the OD and was put on metformin500mg a day. I ovulated on my own in 13 years wow that was a great feeling. I was put on femara 5mg CD 3-7 in Dec, Jan and Feb all three months I had ovulated and my progesterone levels were great still BFN. March came and I ovulated all on my own since I was off the femara I got my progesterone test done the numbers were awesome, but failed to stick. Took a break to get my head back in the game April came and took femara5mg again CD 3-7 ovulated again and once again progesterone was great but BFN. May took a break and June was the femara and progesterone awesome again BFP and lost 5 weeks in. I was so heartbroken didn’t know why this was happening to us. I was still in for going again and trying to see but I had only one more month left of femara so I didn’t take it for July and August I Ovulated on my own and got AF each time all BFN… September came and I said here we go last try, BFN and that was my last pill. October came all was great I ovulated again on my own I had all the great signs and even implantation bleeding but lost it at 3 weeks. I had thought this would be it even the RE didn’t know what was going on, my PCOS was gone had no cysts the whole year and progesterone was awesome nothing lower then 20’s and no baby. Nov came I was only spotting for 3-4 days brown old blood, thought I still was pregos but went in on Dec 15 to find out no baby and my PCOS was back full force that’s why I was having all those pains on my left ovary and here I thought I had an ectopic pregnancy. I looked at DH and cried I was like that’s it its over for us there was 30 cysts just in my left ovary and that was my good one. I was so hurt and I am not getting any younger. I told DH this is the end of the road for us, we have to accept that I will never be able to give you a child. He told me he doesn’t want to give up yet I said we lost our chance to have a child three times already. I am so done I have no more fight in me.  
Now here is the thing we could have been parents to a lil boy, this girl at DH job was giving up her baby because she was young and could not support another child so she asked if he wanted to have her baby who still was yet to be born and this was one of the months I was on my meds and got a BFN. He told her no, in hopes that I would get a BFP that month and I didn’t he and I were not ready to adopt a child we were still having the hope that I would get that sticky BFP and would have our own. when we got that BFN then DH was taking and investigating about adoption but it was too late she gave her baby to another couple I was hurt and upset with him and myself for turn him away. Yes it was a boy what we had wanted. I was like god gave us a change to be parents and we turn it away now we have to live with that and we can’t blame god for not letting us have a baby I said to him. He gave us a once in a life time chance and we turn our backs.
Now we have to live with that. I have no other options I am done with meds and I have no way of paying for IVF, yes I know you need money to raise a child that’s not a problem for us, I just don’t have a way to pay for upfront payment of 20000k for IVF we even looked into a sergeant moms and that’s 40000k no way we can pay for that. I wish I had some one in my family who would carry my child for me but I asked my sister and she told me flat out no, because she would not want to give me my baby because she would get attached to it. I was so hurt and told her it would be mines not urs you’re just carrying it for me. Either way it would never happen since we don’t have that kind of money just laying around. So there you have it, my wits end.


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by Des_a_rae, Jan 17, 2012
Sobie!  Bless your heart, I'm so sorry you've had to go through so much!! I wish I could make it all go away and for you to be able to carry that precious gift full term. :(  
Not poking fun at your story, so please don't think so, but I told my sister to get a terrific job and make lots of money so she can pay for my IVF one day! Lol. It really is expensive and I"m the same way, I CAN afford to raise a child, I just can't afford the $17,000 up front it is here.  My insurance covers NOTHING so I have to have it all. It's a shame actually!  I wished it was easier for all of us wanting just that ONE child. I know infertility is bad any way you look at it, whether it's the first child, 2nd or 3rd, but for those of us whom have never had a child, it's really hard. I to feel like I'll never be able to have a child, I'll never be able to give my mom her first grandchild. It's tough to be in this situation but we can only be strong and hopeful.  You ARE able to get pregnant so that's a good thing, just please try to stay positive, one of those little miracles just has to stick!  Praying that's soon if you choose to try again!  Sending you many hugs and prayers!!

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by Risa615, Jan 17, 2012
Wow Sobie you have been through a lot while you have been gone! I think you should read two books, the Infertility Cure and Fertility Wisdom. Both have examples of overcoming PCOS and having healthy babies. Seems like you are so close. Sending you a big hug!
Risa

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by rmmoye, Jan 17, 2012
Big hug for u>:D<!!! Something will work out. it may not been when u are hoping for it to happen bu Give God time and see what happens. Will insurance help u with your meds to help u ovulate again?

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by ConnieG, Jan 17, 2012
So good to hear from you. I wish it were better news though.  I am so sorry you are still on your very rocky journey!  But maybe if you guys instincts was to say no to that baby it was because that wasn't THE baby for you.  You never know.
I really hope you get your good news one day!
Hugs!

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by Sobie, Jan 18, 2012
Thanks some much ladies for your words, it been hard and I am at a point to stop and not keep trying. When I got the news that my cysts were back and with a kick I was like this is it im done game has to come to a stop. I can do so much to my body, I hate taken so many pills and filling my body with these meds not really knowing what it is doing to my body. I hate to give up and I really do trust in god but I feel as if this is him telling me no you have what you have and be happy with it. I am so blessed to have a daughter and she is really a blessing and i am so greatful to have her in my life and I could not see my life any other way. I just wish thing were different I see her face with her god sis and it hurts me to see how she so sad inside that she wish she had a BB or BS its hard to see her and DH so sad to the point they dont like seening other babies because they know how hard its been for us as a family. DD cried for me when I lost my baby and she was the one who told me not to give up she said to me I know you mom and you cant give up you have to try again. I am tried my body is too. I have a lil tiny peace of hope but not alot to keep trying. It even came to a point that DH was not even preforming like he should his body would not let him he would just get so mad and sad because he didnt know why this was happening to him. I told him he was stress over the fact of making a baby and we had to stop. This affect not just me but my family as a whole, and thats just my daughter and my DH I have no one else to help with my ups and down with this TTC.
Its hard for us all who TTC its not a easy ride and I know sometimes we have to get back on but when do we call it when do we stop hurting our self... I wish you ALL the best and many good eggies.
Thanks so much girls your all I have whom I can talk and relate to.

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by morbaby, Jan 19, 2012
Hi welcome back,
I wish you were returning with good news. I know you were there for me when I was in my "ready to give up" stage. I know its hard and I wish I could take away the hurt you feel. If you have to take more time to evaluate  do that and you never know what could happen. SSBD

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by Sobie, Jan 19, 2012
Thanks for those sweet words. I am trying to stay stress free and staying + that all will come to light soon. Congrats on your lil bean I see you got your wish to come true, god bless you both. Its so wonderful to see all who are now pregos so happy for them and the help and support I have given all of you. thanks again.

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by morbaby, Jan 19, 2012
thank you, I know it sounds like it will never happen to you cause I felt that way but trust me when i say all the hurt, pain, stress and frustration will be a distant memory when you do get your BFP.

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by Vantom, Jan 26, 2012
we all miss you so much sobie.. i hope all is well with you and ur fam, luv ya ♥

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