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Time to be strong .......

Oct 14, 2008 06:29PM - 21 comments

Over the last 7 or 8 weeks, all I have been doing is whining and pining on about my seperation with Dermot ...... and it stops here it has to all end here, once and for all, because I have been so selfish lately, when all I seem to do is moan and be selfish talking about what if, and oh my God this is so not fair, and so on!!! I have two georgious little children and if they can get on with it, why on earth can't I? I am so blessed to have them both and thank the Lord I have them in my life, as they are my world and I would be totally and utterly lost without them. They are like two little angels in disguise (maybe they are). I suppose what I am trying to say here is that without them my life would have no purpose! I love them so much, and they know I do, cause I tell them every day.

At the beginning of my seperation with their Dad, somebody told me that if I am happy well then the kids will be happy, and I thought that was a load of old rubbish, but it wasn't of course it wasn't! I just couldn't see straight, and things are still very bleak and foggy, but at least I am beginning to get my head a little or even a lot more screwed on towards what it was 7 or 8 weeks ago. I also hate the expression that time is a good healer, but not only is it a good healer it's a great miracle in disguise! It's still very raw and early in the seperation, but I have come to the stage where I am feeling a little numb about the situation, but trying to turn that important corner, it hasn't come yet but I sure am trying for all our sakes! think I might be getting closer to it, I just have to maybe reach out a little more to grab it that's all.

My kids hardly "ever" complain about it all, exept for a couple times saying how they miss their Daddy and my son in particular was really upset last week, so I have started them in a course where other kids are going through seperation/divorce/death of a parent, as funnily enough the symptoms of all are pretty much the same, they go into their own age groups in seperate rooms with the kids their age group, and I nervously wait outside in the corridore for them, just in case one needs me! I will be there waiting for them, they know that.  I'm also seeing a counsellor a while now, and sometimes I feel just as soon as I take a step forward, I fall 3 steps back, but thankfully this is not always the case.

My ex-partner on the other hand has "totally" changed towards me, he told me how much he now hates me, how I make his skin crawl, he ignores me totally, we now have no eye contact and no communication exept through email with the kids visiting arrangements, which are Saturday morning 11am to be picked up by him, and he drops them back 5pm Sunday evening, although was late last weekend at 7pm and never bothered letting me know so I was frantic as he never answered his mobile, etc, so you see it's pretty much all fun and games for me and he right now.

Anyway, what I finally wanted to say is that I am seriously making a huge effort in moving on with my kids, but it's hard unfortunately with him in the backround visiting at weekends, etc, but that is life!!!!!

Sharon X


Comments
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by AndiJ78, Oct 14, 2008 06:52PM
I am happy to hear it has clicked for you. I do hope that in time you and your ex can find some common ground and at least find yourselves in a place of civility. The kids will pick up on it quickly and it can cause some friction there as well.

You are grieving the loss of your relationship, so expect it to take time. I am so happy to hear you are finding your strength and that the cooler head is prevailing.

Show your children you are strong in spite of the situation. Show them you are strong FOR THEM.

Keep posting about this, it is helpful for you and may help someone else in the future. I do not always comment, but I am always reading. It is very helpful for people to see this for many reasons.

I believe your happiness is around the corner. Just keep plugging along.

by knightrider, Oct 14, 2008 09:34PM
Hi Sharon:

Ur doing the right thing.With help,and us,your going to make it.He only saying and doing those thing's to
hurt U and playing playing with ur brain.As for the kids.They'll make B-4 U.Kids are no dumds.They will
be there for U.
One more thing left.Make a log on everything.this way you'll have dates and time for precaution.He might pull
some B/S and deny it.Just incase you need some backing.
Don't for get,you'll make it.

                                                           KNIGHT

by crecco, Oct 17, 2008 01:50PM
  Way to go Hon. You have decided that it is time to move on and are doing something about it. As much as it hurts don't let him and his childish behavior get you down. You are above that now. Your children need that strength and they will learn important lessons from you.
  You will encounter bumps in the road, but you will make it.
        Chris

by TrudieC, Oct 17, 2008 01:55PM
You are taking me back to my previous separations before I finally got my ex out of my life.  You are doing all the right things.  The key is to not let your ex push your buttons.  You need to unlearn old habits.  Always be positive about him with the kids.  If he is a jerk they will know the truth eventually on their own.  It does get better!

by lonewolf07, Oct 20, 2008 04:25AM
It sure sounds like you're doing the best you can for your kids.  Are you doing anything for yourself to help give you strength to deal with all this?  Mothers often give to their kids and forget about themselves but mothers do have to stay strong to deal with everything.  I hope their father isn't being nasty to you in front of the kids.  Kids often get used as pawns when a relationship falls apart.  It doesn't sound like you are doing this - quite the opposite  = )

When I was stupid enough to get married for all the wrong reasons and my kids father just walked out (he was a compulsive gambler and an alcoholic), I didn't pretend to my kids that he was a nice guy.  They had  already figured out at young ages that a "nice guy" doesn't walk out on his kids.

Hugs to you and hugs to your son from SpongeBob  = )




by jeannie70, Oct 20, 2008 05:49AM
hi there i just wanted to say to you ive been where you are just now and it was hard but what i did was keep saying to my self what where the good things and bad things he brough into our family life and the bad outdone the good so i realized it was all about learning to be stronger within myself because i knew he was no good so i said to myself why cry all the time what for him no i cried when i was with him why cry when im not with him this grieving stage will pass and youll look back and realize that actually you and your children are a lot happier and go out there and lead a happier life its your rite good luck with everything youre going to come out of this a stronger happier woman i know you will

goodluck and take care

by sunset555, Oct 20, 2008 07:08AM
Just wanted say a big thank you to "everyone" who took the time to reply I really do appreciate it. Unfortunately though, I am back at square one again, going through all the emotional grieving symptoms all over again, crying a lot not eating not sleeping etc! I told him yesterday when he dropped the kids home that I still love him very much and that I wanted to give the relationship another go, even after 8 weeks of being apart. The truth is that I still love him very much and I miss him like crazy! I did that the good and the bad things he brought into our lives, and the good outnumbered the bad. He told me no it was too late, there has been too much damage done. I said do you still love me and he muttered no I dont love you anymore, but he couldn't keep a straight face and couldn't look me in the eye either. I'm not being mad or anything but I do know that he still loves me, otherwise I wouldn't be degrading myself like this.

I got a little upset and whilst standing there at the car talking to him, I said can you give me a hug, and he came and gave me a little hug and said how sorry he is and that he is also very emotional and stressed at the moment and to try and get through this to the best we possibly can. My daughter walked out and he said try and not let her see you cry, we have to be strong now. He then got into the car and drove off. That was yesterday evening and I havn't been able to stop crying yet.

Its his birthday today and the kids rang him this morning to wish him a happy  birthday, I then rang back to wish him a birthday but his phone is switched off. I left two voice messages on his phone yesterday evening and told him just how much I want to be with him again, and that I have never ever stopped loving him. So I guess I have turned back into a stalker again, I even left a message for him today to suggest me him and the kids meet up to maybe go to the zoo or somewhere and whilst we are walking around, maybe he and I could have a good chat. Obviously I got no reply. It's obvious I have to face up to the fact that we as a couple are not getting back together.

Help.

Sharon.


by sunset555, Oct 20, 2008 07:12AM
P.s. I even went as far as phoning his own Mother this morning, and asked her if she could talk to him for me and ask him to have a good think about things, and she said she would. I really sure hope that I havn't done the wrong thing here by doing this, and hope I havn't gone further into messing up things. She suggested in a round about way that because sometimes I fly off the handle, that maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to go to the doctor and get some sedadives to calm me down for a while, but she seemed to be saying this in a helpful way, as opposed to a sarcastic way. Although I have never in my life taken medication for anything like that and do not wish to. I like to rely on diet, excercise and the likes of camomile tea, etc.

Sharon.


by April2, Oct 20, 2008 10:31AM
That's actually not a bad idea to get some anti-depressants or something for awhile to help you get through this. It doesn't mean you'd have to take it forever, just to get you over this hump.
It's only natural that you are grieving the loss of this relationship. It's a death, really. A death of a relationship. Of course it's going to be painful. You shared a life with this person, had kids with him.

I do think you need to back off from the calls, etc., though. He already knows how you feel. If you keep calling and begging him to come back, it will only push him further away. He will view you as weak and could get a power trip over feeling like he can control things here, including your feelings and this whole relationship.
He will actually admire you more if he sees you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and do something with your life. If you an show him that you are not needy, that you can make it on your own, he will respect that more. It might be a good idea for you both to go to counseling, not only for yourselves, but for the sake of your kids. If you ever do get back together, you want it to be because you both want it, not for any other reason.
You remember the old saying "If you love something, set it free - if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was"? You need to set him free and let him figure out what it is that HE wants. I know it's hard, but you need to do this. You will make it. You are stronger than you think. Keep giving this to God. I pray God will comfort you during this time and give you the strength, wisdom and peace that you need. God bless you!
*Hugs* to you!
April

by sunset555, Oct 20, 2008 10:46AM
April, thank you so very much for your very kind and encouraging words. You see I did think I set him free, as in letting go at the beginning. This was 8 weeks ago when we first split ut, I found it very difficult to do and thought that I did let him go cause I have not pestered him in about 5 weeks or so, although at the beginning I will be honest I did phone a good bit. I am shocked that I am back here at square one again. I will have to try my very best and just let the man go, it is heart wrenching for us all. I will have to be stronger for everyone involved especially my kids. I hide my sadness around them to the best of my ability. I go to church every single morning when I drop the kids off to school and stay a few minutes and pray, sometimes I light a candle, sometimes I don't. I don't think that I have ever prayed so much in my life for something to happen, and I know I am doing this all wrong. I have at the beginning prayed to God for reconciliation with me and Dermot, then I thought to myself, that's not going to work, because if you cling on too tightly to a situation it will never ever have the chance to heal itself, so what I am trying to do now is releasing and surrendering my relationship with Dermot to God and the angels, and await the outcome. So in a way I am really and truelly trying to let him go, although it's hard, it's very hard, and my heart just breaks seeing my kids miss him too. He takes them over the weekend, and they ring each night to say good night.

I am seeing a counsellor, as far as I know Dermot is not, but is considering it. I have my two kids in counselling since last week. Its more like group therapy for kids who are going through seperation/divorce/death in the family, and they are divided into groups of their own age group. I am not allowed in as its confidential between the kids and the facilitators, so I just wait on the coradore outside for the hour. This evening will be their second session, so I hope it goes well for them.

God, I just wish that we could be a family again. That's all.

lol Sharon.


by April2, Oct 20, 2008 10:55AM
It sounds like you are doing some good things there! Remember, when you pray, pray for God's will in the matter. He always knows what's best anyway! :)

by sunset555, Oct 20, 2008 07:26PM
April: I will pray as often as I can now, to get through this, because I do know that deep down amidst all of this turmoil, that "God is good", and I have to cling onto that if we are going to get through this.

Bless you,

Sharon x


by sunset555, Oct 22, 2008 07:43AM
I was just wondering, by me not actually arguing with him anymore, as I am now stopping all of that, if I try to be polite and friendly towards him, and go along without complaining would that actually solve anything or would that be actually just degrading myself further??

Sharon.


by jimi1822, Oct 22, 2008 08:28AM
                                                    "Everyone who loves is born
                                                       of GOD and knows GOD.
                                                   Whoever does not love does not
                                                      Know GOD, for GOD is love."

                                                                                       ---1 John 4:7b-8


                                                                                          Sharon you are truly blessed :o)
                                                                                          For it is always better to take the high road
                                                                                          because you deserve to gaze upon the Stars
                                                                                          and leave the clouds behind.

                                                                                              GOD bless you!!!
                                                                                                Your true friend brother and sister

                                                                                                                                 jimi & Lori

                                                                              
                        
    

by sunset555, Oct 22, 2008 02:09PM
Jimi & Lori, so it's the high road I shall take then, If I have enough courage to do so. Just wish I was brave enough.

God bless you both!

Sharon


by Kande, Oct 22, 2008 02:32PM
Sharon...

You have many  Christian friends praying for you. You will have the strength and courage, God will give it to you. This is for you Sharon from all of your friends.

It's wonderous what a hug can do.
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say "I love you so",
Or"Gee I hate to see you go."
A hug is "Welcome back, again".
And, "Great to see you! Where've you been?"
A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The hug, there's no doubt about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights, and warms, and charms,
It must be why God gave us arms....

Our arms are around you right now Sharon, God Bless You!!


by jimi1822, Oct 22, 2008 05:38PM
                                                         Accept what comes to you
                                                    totally and completely so that you
                                                   can appreciate it, learn from it, and
                                                                 then let it go.

                                                                                          ~ Deepak Chopra


                                                                                                Whenever the burden seems to much to bea,.
                                                                                                call upon us :o) for we will be there to help carry
                                                                                                you to the eternal finish line!!!

                                                                                                   peace, love, compassion, and a big rainbow

                                                                                                                                      jimi & Lori, Lori & jimi

by jimi1822, Oct 22, 2008 05:41PM
           I mean to much to bear I should proof read before I rush to post :o)

by jimi1822, Oct 22, 2008 05:42PM
I meant ( meant ) sorry :o(




                                 :o)

by sunset555, Oct 22, 2008 05:54PM
Kande: that was so beautiful, it brought a tear to my eye (im surprised i have any tears left), you are a very special person and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. when you say im being hugged by my friends, that meant a lot, i actually felt as if I was being hugged so thank you so much :)

Jimi & lori what can i say about you pair, only that you are two angels in disguise you really are, always helping others, and so very compassionate too :)

Sharon X



by Kande, Oct 22, 2008 06:02PM
Hi sweetie...

I'm so glad you can feel all of your friends supporting you, because we are. Know that we all think of you and pray for you daily. More comfort coming your way..... ((((((((((BIG HUGS FROM ALL)))))))))

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