Just reaching out

My grandma has terminal colon cancer. After 4 years of fighting she was told in May she had 3-6 months. She's still kicking, refuses to go down any way but kicking and screaming. But it just seems so unfair.

She has lived such a hard life. Her father raped her and her sisters from the time they were 6 until they moved out. She's had abusive marriages and suffered through depression and still just battles onward. Heck, when my grandpa was refusing counseling she told him "I may be 50, but I can start over again, I've done it before." That is one strong, stubborn lady! She went into the colonoscopy knowing she had cancer and because she put it off for so long, figuring it was just counting the days until the end. It's been 4 years, 3 operations, and about 3-4 bouts of chemo/radiation treatment. Through it all she's made jokes and just dealt with it. I mean I don't know where she gets the strength, but she's paid all her bills, and paid and organized her own funeral. That's not something many people have to think about in a realistic way- I'm going to die yes, but she had to go through a list with my mom: I want to be cremated, I don't want to be embalmed, I don't want to be resuscitated, etc.  And now.. she's in for the count. She spent most of last night vomiting, too weak to get off the floor of the bathroom.

I feel so torn. She's been there for us all. I mean when my mom had my siblings taken away she helped my mom realize that it wasn't her fault and she couldn't give me up for adoption. When my sister got out of rehab that lady set her S*** out straight and taught her how to be a grown up. Half of my childhood memories are with her, I can't imagine her just not being there anymore. And yet I kind of prayed she wouldn't get to this part. I never wanted her to have to battle with the pneumonia, chronic pain, or comatose like fatigue that's she's dealing with- I always hoped she would leave before this point. Is it wrong to pray for a merciful heart attack?

I think what's making all this harder is I can't be there for my family. My sister... I know she's strong but I worry every day that she would be tempted to use again. I don't want to loose her again to drugs; those years were a living hell. I can't be there for my munchkin, my poor baby niece isn't handling this well. And I mean who blames her, this is a violent death to see for a 12 year old. My grandpa, god. I love him but he can be a real idiot sometimes; he refuses to accept she's dying. She's in chronic pain, loosing weight left and right and not in any good way. There's tumors throughout her entire gut and has difficulty eating the smallest amounts of foods because of it. He won't deal with her death well and his only surviving family is out of state. That's only going to be harder on my sister and niece. He's really the only grandpa either of them know; Her father's dad died before she was born and our mom's dad passed away while she was still tweaking. She never really got to know him. And of course my mom? If anyone can match the strength and stubbornness of my grandma it's my mom. But when it comes down to it, she won't speak to anyone. She has no shoulder to cry on and nothing to step back to. Her step mom promised me to help bring her out of her shell, but I'm terrified she'll harm herself. Not physically but through diet. She's an emotional eater and already she's not doing well. She's borderline diabetic; actually I wouldn't be surprised to learn she IS diabetic. She has freakishly high cholesterol that isn't going down with her meds, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and is OVER 100 lbs overweight. It also doesn't help she lost her baby brother only 3 months ago- septic shock.

The past few months have just been hell on my family and I feel guilty because I want the pain to stop. I want to be there to take care of my family... but that would mean abandoning my husband and life here. Also we're already a thousand dollars in debt to my in-laws because they financed my ticket to the states in November so I could say good bye to my grandma. It would be completely selfish to fly out there again. I can't stop what's going to happen, I can't fix it. But right now. I'm not dealing with it well either. Honestly my heart is breaking and I'm angry at God for doing this. Her life has been filled with enough pain and suffering.