Im still very tired but the mood has stabilised, the funeral was very moving and a perfect service - Keryn's father loved his music (something we shared) and most of all loved classic 60's british rock - Rolling Stones were his favorite band an he owned everything in vinyl and CD some of it signed. As we came in they played a song by the Moody Blues which he and his wife loved, then in the middle of the service they played "Fool to Cry" by the Rolling Stones which was incredibly moving then to close they played "Layla" by Eric Clapton - thats the one that got me crying because its such a happy song and he and I both loved it and often listened to it together and he wasnt a sad person at all - it was just a perfect way to send off the man.
Her sister was on her best behaviour which was primarily because she was high out of her mind on valium and I suspect something else - still she managed to string together a nice eulogy with Keryn's bit in it - no way Keryn could have spoken shejust cried on my shoulder most of the service but she got through it and it seemed to help, she lifted after a lot, closure is a big thing.
We just got home from spending the afternoon with the family, I had a few drinks which helped calm my jangled nerves - I just did not want to take more valium today, last night I did to sleep because I was so worked up - we had a fight by telephone about today which was silly and unnecesary but she has to take it out somewhere.
We talked on the way home in the car, I think we might be able to move on. Im hopefull as I would like the marriage to work again, I love her dearly but its got to be a 2 way street communiation wise - I am not perfect but neither is she, together we need to listen to each other more.
The family stuff... Well her mother and her aunts and grandmother have cut Keryns Sister off - one of her aunts and I get on well, she suffers from OCD and unipolar depression so we have a common mindset and some common experiences and she lives in Sydney where Sister lives and they have seen a lot of each other - She has cut off sis completely now and told her unless she gets treatment she won't speak to her - I have been watching her and I am convinced she has a personality disorder - she fits the DSM-IV Criteria and symptoms of BPD to a tee and its not Bipolar as her personality changes not her moods - but its up to her to do something and she wont - it reuquires her to accept she has a problem and she's far better at blaming others. Shes also a sociopathic personality and that wont help.
There's more to come, I can sense it and she cant let not being at the wake lie.. Hope it comes soon.
Right now I am just trying to beat this cough, pain in my side when I cough is sharp and nasty but its going away, I am nauseous and suffering stomach and bowel problems but those are normal for me when stressed and I am feeling more relaxed right now. Hoping this means stability is back and I can get on track over the next few days.
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