Oct 15, 2008
Another joint counselling session today, and I've had a solo session (with a different counsellor) in the mean time.
As I predicted, I had been vaguely sliding back towards hoping and wanting our relationship to revive, and this counselling session was a reminder that it is not going to. But I hadn't slid so far, and the news that it isn't going to revive was neither such a revelation nor so hard to take this time. So maybe, hopefully, each cycle will get smaller and smaller until the news has truly sunk in and been accepted.
During my solo counselling session I reached a decision I'd been struggling with for a few days - whether or not to move out. There were huge drawbacks and issues with either option, and, looked at isolation, I'd have said "no way" to each option. But faced with two "no way" options, I had to pick one of them, and I chose to stay in the family home. I decided this (I hope) for the right reasons - primarily so I can continue to be a full-time father to my children (which with the best will in the world, and limitless co-operation from my wife, could never fully happen if I moved out), and also financial - we've struggled to support one household of five on a single salary (we both agreed my wife shouldn't work while the children were young), but it would be much harder to finance a second home as well; if I could it would be a small flat with nowhere for the kids to sleep over if they were going to stay the night with me ever.
It will no doubt be harder for us to move on while we share a roof - for both of us, but probably more for me than for her, initially at least. I still love her very much, and it will be hard to let that go while I still spend time with her every day. But I have to try to do that; I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't at least try. My wife is prepared to work with me on this. We agreed during todays counselling session that our relationship doesn't fit any normal definitions, if I stay in the house - we are neither husband and wife, nor completely separated and unconnected couple, nor sinple housemates. So, we have to define a new relationship that works for both of us as best as possible, without too much reference to fitting us into some standard pigeon-hole. There's going to have to be some negotiation there, particularly on the subject of honesty and open-ness, but we are going to work separately on what topics need to be defined, then start to go through them together at our next counselling session.
On the subject of honesty and open-ness, I insisted that if she was going away to spend the weekend with someone, I'd rather she told me, than lie to me and have me suspect and believe that she was doing something behind my back and lying to me about it. She was reluctant, on the basis that, since we were separated it was none of my business, that it was 'loaded' information (not neutral information like telling me she was off to see an old schoolfriend or something), and that it was bound to upset me and she didn't want to be sharing a house with someone who was upset and angry and depressed, or to have to have a big emotional conversation with me about it every time. Nevertheless, she did tell me that she was planning to go away for the night the weekend after next (just after we get back from a family holiday), she's going to visit her grandfather but also going to spend the night with some guy.
Well, I guessed I asked for it, and she gave it to me. It hurts like hell, but she has declared in no uncertain terms that our relationship is over, so she is free to do what she wants, when she wants, with whom she wants. And, despite the hurt, I still feel that I'd prefer that she told me than not, even when faced with the reality of it actually happening. I'm just going to have to come to terms with it and get used to it, as hard as that is to do.
Even if I was living separately, I'd still know when she was going away for the weekend, because she'd be getting me to look after the kids while she was away. Would it hurt any less under those circumstances? I don't know.
Enough wittering on for now. There's no real question here for anyone, but if anyone wants to make any comment they are welcome to. I really just needed an outlet to get all this stuff out, plus I guess some of the regulars on this forum may be curious as to what is going on.