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Where did the love go?

Oct 15, 2008 10:20AM - 13 comments

Well, therapy has been going really well for Rich and I.  We've made huge changes in our relationship.  We have learned to communicate better, make real efforts in keeping it fresh and exciting and trying our hardest to move forward.  One thing that really shocked me in our last session was where did our love go?  The therapist asked us when was the last time you really felt loved by the other person?  Both our answers were the same....we don't remember!  How sad is that?  The fact that neither one of us could remember when the last time we really felt loved by one another is astounding.  How did we let it get to that point?  How long would it have gone on that way if we hadn't had a shock to our relationship?  It's crazy how much you can take a relationship for granted.  How you can live with one another but not really be making true efforts to keep the love alive.  It's work, and it's hard but you have to work on it constantly, or else you will be stuck in a loveless relationship.  She asked me, when was the last time I had done something romantic for Richie, and honestly, it had been a really long time.  The same goes for him.  It's been really nice lately, we have been so affectionate, so loving, so considerate.  It feels really good.  Like the connection we once had is back again.  I've longed for this for so long from him, we were both taking each other for granted.  I was really hurt by what he did but even if he hadn't of done it, I don't think we would've lasted the way were going.  Thank god for therapy, that's all I have to say.

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by Hope2OneDay, Oct 15, 2008 10:30AM
It's so easy to take someone for granted (not just our significant others, but ANYONE). I think we're all guilty of it. I know that every time my dh goes out of town for work I realize just how much he contributes to our household...taking care of Levi, helping with housework, and just "being there" for me. Even when he's home, there are so many nights where we each retreat to our own offices and get on our computers. We don't see each other until it's time to go to bed...and even then I sleep in the guest room since being pregnant makes it difficult to sleep with him.

You've made me realize how we need to MAKE time for each other and get back some of the romance. Otherwise, we're eventually going to end up on the same path that you and Rich took. Better to correct our ways now and learn from others' mistakes than to end up doing the same things. Wouldn't you say?

I'm so glad that therapy is working for you guys, and hope that things only continue to get better. This will only make your relationship stronger!

by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008 10:35AM
Thanks hon.  I do hope that others can learn from our situation.  It is really painful and I don't wish it on anyone.  We used to be the same, he would watch tv and I would be on the computer.  Not talk to each other.  We would go to family's houses and just sit there, not interacting.  Our homework assignment this week is to go do something together that is out of our normal realm of activities.  Like go to an art museum or to the opera (Rich would rather go to the museum than the opera, he will poke his ears out...lol) but, it's new and it's done together.  

That's what I'm hoping for a stronger, more powerful relationship.  This is our family, we have to fight for it!

by surprisebaby, Oct 15, 2008 10:36AM
So glad to hear that therapy is going well.  It is soooo true that we can quickly take each other for granted in our relationships.  You asked that question and I found myself sitting here thinking...when IS the last time I did something romantic for my dh...hmmmmm....does making supper count?  How bout changing that poopy diaper or bathing the baby or helping my ds with his homework so dh doesn't have to???? hmmmmm...I guess you are not alone on that one!  When do WE have TIME to be romantic???  It goes to show you, we have to work at our relationships.  Glad you are working through this and finding time to be romantic once again!  Good luck to both of you!  Sounds like things are much better now!

by AJH84, Oct 15, 2008 10:37AM
I'm so happy for you to hear that things are progressing so well!
All the best to you, Mami.

by GNicole, Oct 15, 2008 10:42AM
I am so glad to hear things are going so well. I am sure if you are putting this much effort into your relationship it will definitely survive! :)

by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008 10:42AM
You would think that the effort and work we put into caring for the children while they take a back seat is work but not to them.  From what I gather in therapy, they resent the attention that is on the children and not on them.  Of course this is a level of maturity that the man must have.  Some men have it and some men don't.  My man didn't, so he felt neglected.  I'm sure some of his feelings were valid but hey so was I.  I was very loyal to him no matter what.  But that is the past and we are working on a bigger and better relationship.  So yes, things are much better.  It is hard finding the time but I think once the kids are in bed and even though you are dead tired, just once out of the week make the little effort in doing something special.  Like lay out a blanket on the floor, light up some candles, eat some choclate covered strawberries together and put on some nice romantic music.  Set the mood and it just shows that you care.  

by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008 10:43AM
Thanks ladies.

by Jenny100, Oct 15, 2008 10:50AM
Jezi, you are WONDERFUL to be able to forgive and try to keep your family together. That is VERY hard to do. I REALLY admire you for trying to FIX what is wrong instead of choosing divorce/splitting up as your answer.

Most people who get divorced realize it didn't SOLVE their problems anyway. It just gave them a NEW set of problems.
2nd marriages have a greater failure rate than first. And the pain it causes the children involved....I just hate to even think about that. So I just REALLY admire you for sticking to your commitments and keeping your family together.

by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008 10:54AM
Thanks Jenny.  Well I haven't forgiven just yet...lol.  I have to point but it takes time.  It is hard to do, especially when the betrayal is so deep.  But as long as he realizes the consequences and he knows that this is his only chance and he makes efforts to repair it, there is hope.  He loves his son, he loves our family and no one can replace that.  Not even that hoochie...lol.  

It is true, our son is getting older and he will be hurt.  As well as my step kids.  They love our family unit.  So thank you so much for your comments.  You ladies help me and give me strength as well.

by CYW, Oct 15, 2008 11:34AM
once again i will say you are my hero.. i dont know how you do it...It amazes me just at how strong you are and ready and willing to fight for what you believe to be true...with this post i have to say, i agree. It's difficult, especially for today's world, we just do not have any time.. and it's true, you are right i too cannot remember the last time my ex and i were affectionate,etc..probably right before our DS was born.. when we seperated, he was 8 months old. so i am so happy to hear things are really working out for ya...way to go girl!

by mami1323, Oct 15, 2008 12:01PM
Thanks hon, I wish I had your strength to walk away.  That takes a lot of courage as well.  I do think people get too busy with work and the kids and all else and they fail to work hard at their love.  I hope it stays this way and I don't have to be writing a journal entry that he did it again or anything like that.  But for now, I have to stay positive.  We live and we learn right.

by sammy73, Oct 16, 2008 07:44AM
That's good news mami, I glad things seem to be working out for you.  I know it must still be hard and painful for you, but at least you are working on rebuilding your relationship together.  It's good that there is this silver lining, that the shock to the system has prompted you both to put a bit more effort into maintaining the romance.  Maybe that's one part of where I went wrong, but it happened so long ago that's it's too late for me to put it right now...

Looking at your progress, I feel really good that you two are going to make it.  I certainly hope so!!  Chin up, and try to look forward to and enjoy the future rather than dwelling on the past too much.

by mami1323, Oct 16, 2008 07:52AM
Thanks sammy, as always, your support has been amazing.  I have good days and bad days but when I start having negative thoughts, I quickly learn to distract myself or not take it out on him.  That doesn't help either of us.  It's a learning process.  I certainly hope we make it as well.  

I really hope that you get some peace from your situation as well.  I have a feeling you will be ok.  I bet you anything, you will meet another woman who will be every thing that you never thought you would have again.  I know you're not thinking that way now but in time, you will be.

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