Feb 07, 2012
Last night I told the first person other than my immediate family and now ex-boyfriend about my attempted suicide and resulting Borderline/Depression diagnosis. The guy I told is my next door neighbor, who I am just now getting to know. We were studying together for a class which he have a test in soon. Suddenly depression came up, and I told him, without even really meaning to. I've been *so desperate* to tell somebody about these things.
My parents are trying so hard to understand and cope with the fact that they have a daughter "like me." My mom has had depression issues in the past, and had I guess multiple suicide attempts (I just found this out, but not many details.) I know she went to counseling for a while, but has never been on meds. Her mom (my grandma) has had depression for years and has worked her way up to a huge dose of antidepressants. My dad is taking it really hard. I can feel that he's incredibly disappointed in me, but also feels some sorrow that I turned out so much like my mom. She was my age when her serious depression started. My mom gives me hope that maybe I'll get through this.
My recently ex-boyfriend is not coping well either. We broke up just before my attempted suicide. I did it, in hopes that he wouldn't have to tell people that he had a girlfriend that killed herself. He was the one that found me, puking my guts out and hardly able to breathe, and took me to the ER and in effect saved my life. But since then (we live together) home life has been awful. He spends most of the day away and the time that he is here he spends almost exclusively on Starcraft (online muti-player video game).
I need his attention now more than ever, since I'm trying to deal with the fact that I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. The thoughts of self-hatred and acts of self-harm have just been MORE frequent. And I've had thoughts of more effective suicide more than once. He has gotten to where he blames me for everything, and is trying to distance himself more and more from me, letting me know at times how "crazy and insane" I am, but sometimes just holding me and being soothing and sweet until I calm down. He's gotten depressed and cranky, and even in my friendliest moments, he snaps at me. But then sometimes he will just kiss my forehead for no reason. He now goes to counseling too, to "deal with me."
Now that I told my neighbor, Sam, about my life, I feel so relieved but yet so terrified. He has had depressed times before and sought counseling. His roommate is on some kind of antidepressant, for some "issues" that he didn't feel like he should share. But ever since last night, he's all I can think about. He's somewhat good-looking, shorter like me, fairly nice body type and wears thickly rimmed glasses, gauged ear-rings, a lip piercing, tongue piercing, and skinny jeans and other fairly hipster clothes. He smokes a lot. So really, he's not my type for the most part, but for some reason I just can't stop thinking about him, wondering what he's doing just one house away from me. He made an effort, even after I told him about the suicide and BPD that we should hang out and he'd invite me to parties and whatnot. I'm scared of what my feelings for him are (I know that nothing romantic should happen here. It's just bad news.) and I'm scared of what feelings he might have for me. Hopefully that's just an overly confident statement my pride is giving me and my heart is confirming because I'm so lonely.
I'm not sure about anything, just lost and scared and feeling like the whole world could collapse at any moment. I can't focus, I just bury everything so deep inside and then just come home and have fits and cry for hours, and then wake up and do it all over again.