Feb 10, 2012
Last night I hurt myself again. I felt so out of control and couldn't handle the feeling building up in me, so I went and did it. This time, my ex boyfriend who I'm still living with for financial reasons, came in on me and freaked out. That was the one thing I didn't want. He always takes this so personally, he always treats me like a mentally disabled child and makes me feel like I'm wrong or messed up or just don't have the willpower. Somehow he thinks, if I did, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be the way I am.
I have willpower. I have some intelligence. I can get an A or B in just about any class, no matter how foreign it is to me. I can pick up skills faster than most people. Not that I'm the best by any means after a while, but really I'm a quick learner. So WHY THE **** IS THIS SUCH A MYSTERY TO ME?!?! WHY THE **** CAN'T I JUST TELL MYSELF TO DO SOMETHING AND DO IT? WHY DO I GET SO OUT OF CONTROL AND TERRIFIED OF EVERYTHING?!!? I'm so angry at myself. So ashamed. I wish this would all go the **** away, because I can't. I can't just die and give up. I can't just run away. I can't just drop everything. I have no money and nowhere to go.