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Anything But What's Nescessary

Mar 01, 2012 - 3 comments
Tags:

Depression

,

homework

,

stress

,

ex-boyfriend

,

self-doubt

,

medical bills



Why can't I seem to do any school work? I can watch hours of TV, even shows I don't like much. I can bore myself to tears with games on my phone. I can read. I can go out and take a walk. I can take a drive. I can wander the mall. But the last thing I can do is my homework. I make up my mind to do it. And it's not like I do *nothing* productive with my time. I've applied for a new job, turned in forms to Verizon, made a lot of steps toward my move, packed up everything, ordered new checks... done so many things. Even written emails to professors explaining why I'm getting nothing done. Because I'm depressed. Because I broke up with a guy I thought would be my husband. Because I am going to move soon and it's stressful. But still I can't find the energy and commitment for the homework. I feel like the worst failure. I got a book I'm supposed to outline. It's sitting right next to me now! But instead of outlining, I'm whining online about how I can't do it. How pathetic can you get?

Oh, and my emergency room charges came from my insurance. What the hell am I gonna do about that...?

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by mejohan, Mar 04, 2012
Take one thing at a time. Everything will be okay. Even if you struggle, things will ultimately get done, and even if they don't, you will survive! And, about the er charges: you get a payment plan. you pay in tiny increments. It will just take  a couple phone calls and you will take it one step at a time, okay? :) trust me on this one.
I have been searching for a solution to my depression for eleven years now. Taking little steps and disciplining myself to not focus on everything at once is how I have survived for so long.
Also, I face the same problem with doing my hw. It comes in spurts where I'm able to do it. Even if it's 3am and I suddenly feel able to focus and work on it, I take the opportunity right then. Maybe even just make yourself do one paragraph a day. Tiny goals, if steadily worked at, make HUGE impacts!  You can do this! You are strong to have made it this far!
But also, remember to be patient with yourself. Your mental health does come first. If your physical body chemistry is messing with your ability to complete hw, it is a legitimate medical issue. Don't fall for the stigma associated with the chemical imbalance. It's a medical issue, a physical medical issue, not an "attitude problem". Be patient with yourself and learn to love yourself. Do NOT beat yourself up. It took my bf of two years yelling at me, and making me cry, to stop beating myself up about my hw and missing deadlines. He had made himself hoarse trying to explain to me over and over again that it's a medical issue, not me being flippant about my studies. As he pointed out: you're trying to survive a medical condition and trying to lessen its effects academically, but if you were a slacker, you wouldn't care that you're missing deadlines.

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by mejohan, Mar 04, 2012
Also, you are not pathetic.  Don't fall for that lie. Everyone has their different types of hardships.
Can I ask why you broke up with your fella?

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by wandering_child, Mar 05, 2012
Thank you so much for your words. :) I'll do my best. That's really sweet of you. These journals are kinda just a place to vent and I don't particularly mean for them to be read, but I'm very glad for your help. A lot of these things are things the counselor tells me, so I know it's good advice.

As for my ex, we were together for a total of 2 and 1/2 years, he asked me to marry him about halfway through, and I said yes. I love him with everything that I have. But we don't go together very well. We share few hobbies, and many opinions on the most random and important things. But I HATE his friends. I hate the way he spends all his spare time on the internet and video games now that the newness of our relationship was worn off (for him). He spends a lot of time out late at night without me, and to me comes off as flirtatious and goes a little too far with other women and sometimes men.

Now, is this because I am depressed and insecure and have a personality issue, and this could all be in my head? Very possibly. But no matter how much the logical part of me can rationalize it, the heart of me and my emotions just felt trapped, and sick, and exploding out-of-control. I couldn't handle not being the most important thing in his world (or at least not the ways he likes to show it) like he is the best thing in my world. My outbursts and breakdowns made it harder and harder to keep a relationship, and finally just before I tried to kill myself, I ended it. I didn't want him to be the guy who's girlfriend committed suicide. He doesn't deserve the blame. Then he saved my life, took me to the ER, and I made it. But we're still broken up, but still in love.

I did just move out. And we still talk and hang out (he's here right now, actually reading some webcomic, as expected) and we are still intimate. My friends and family tell me its best to be away from him, but since we're still on good terms and still in love it's just so hard. I don't know what to do. Even with this new freedom and new chance with not living together, I don't know how to handle it. It's so complicated. Sorry for making this so long. I hope you like reading (and whining.) :P ...You are a trooper for reading my ramblings and trying to help out.

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