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Mar 12, 2012 - 0 comments
Tags:

Depression

,

medication

,

friends

,

dad

,

ex-boyfriend

,

Bipolar

,

news



I don't know what to think. I saw the news story about the bi-polar flight attendant freaking out on the airplane and it really scares me. What if the scare associated means that people with emotional issues can't get a job? I know it's extreme; but when you apply to a job, most of the time you get a background check. I've been applying to a lot of jobs lately, and I'm terrified that the reason I'm not getting any calls back is because of my recent suicide attempt. Can they find things like that on a background check? I'm sure they could. It just scares me that maybe somehow potential employers would find out about my issues (I'd never tell them outright) and I wouldn't be hired. I'm under control at work. Always have been 99% of the time in public, I can fool the world and maybe not act like nothings wrong, but at least camouflage the deep depression and "borderline" stuff. And now I have medication that makes the better part of most days fairly pleasant. Admittedly, I probably wouldn't go into a psychotic rage on a day without my meds, but they'll always be a stigma to people with emotional disorders. I mean, what if a flight attendant had gone into anaphalactic shock or had a heart attack, perhaps got lightheaded or fainted because of low blood sugar. Those things would be fairly shocking, but where's the stipulation on that?? I'm just ranting here.

My days have been alright. I went home for at least part of my spring break. I'm not sure how long I'll stay. My parents have been great for the most part, but my dad is always a challenge. He got me crying harder than I have in a week or so when he saw that I was angry about my old car that's constantly malfunctioning (expensively so) and told me that I was "immature" and "couldn't control myself, and that's why you don't have any friends." It hurt. So unbelieveably bad. I've always been self-conscious because I don't make very many friends. It's not because I don't want to; I think a ton of people consider me friends. I just have to have a certain amount of trust and admiration for a person, over a long length of time, before I will consider a person a "friend." Until that point, they can text and message and email or even talk to me on the street, and I will gently tiptoe away or say I'm busy if they invite me to hang out. That is, until I feel comfortable enough, if that time ever comes. My brother and ex-fiancee, who were close friends, are extreme extroverts, always having what my mom calls an entourage, so living so close in their shadow was humiliating. I got good grades and always had a boyfriend. Not so much because I was lonely, but because I always needed approval and somebody who claimed they cared. I needed to be beautiful and perfect to somebody, because my dad was always finding fault in me, and if I wasn't the best, I'd never have a chance to make a living and be happy. I don't know where this is even going, just thinking and typing I suppose, but I'm sure it's good for something. I'll sign off for now.

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