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New Journal Committment

Apr 07, 2012 - 0 comments
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Suicidal

,

Exercise



Signed up for *********** to help me lose weight.  Remeron put 40 lbs on me 6 years ago and I've yet to lose it - except for 20 lbs 5 years ago that came back. On Seroquel now and doc told me low carb diets are being rec. Saw dietician for free class and she reccomends diabetes diet.  Got info and food lists from her.  Was into pushing protein for a week or so, but hit a slump and stopped eating or recording my diet.  Made follow-up appt to work with her but found out it costs $43/15-minutes!!

This at a "community health clinic" -pardon me, but WTF?  So, that's not happening. I couldn't even pay my rent this month.  I'm so mad about my poverty and my ****** health and the health care I can't even afford.  I'm in a Why God?  mode.  I'm a strong person, some people say when they hear some of the things I've gone through, but I'm so unhappy and tired and hopeless.  I'm just too scared to try suicide again, but I think about it and want to do it a lot.  How 'bout that premature death?
With the *********** thing (my therapist suggested it) one of my goals is to journal 3x a week.  When I first joined MedHelp I was pretty active and it was helpful, so I'm trying again - esp with mood tracker.
Spent 15 hours in bed today and 'bout the same yesterday.  Yestderday was Pasover and I was too tired to go.  Got stressed thinking about it trying to find a freakin' outfit.  Also need to ask to pay $26 later.  It would probably be ok, but I didn't want to.  I'm so freakin; tired all the time. Not eating enough - probably not helping, but hoped at least I'd lose a lb or two.  Nope.
There's too much to do - I can't keep up with this modern life and it's getting to me more and more.
My counselor also suddenly suggested I become "very physically active"  in part to reduce Thinking Too Much.  I've been too wiped out for anything, but I think it's a good idea.  She's gone for two weeks, though I can still email.  Sigh.

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