Apr 10, 2012
Today was better than things had had been in a while and I came to some realizations that helped me. Emotions are a complex thing and coming to terms with them isnt' easy. For anyone. Physically things are a balancing act between some treatments that will help tardive dystonia and dysphagia (and the rest of the associated convulsions) but cause some mental changes (like today) or if taken earlier not work so well. Other medications and treatments like Lovaza help both mental and physcal symptoms. But sometimes its a day or a moment in the day when one realizes things that settle inner conflicts.I have settled some things with some of my friends and I am glad. I was frightened that I would be alone and at this point in time that would have been the worst. Life is not all about clinical follow up. Howevers emotions can be complex and fragile interactions and hard to come to terms with.
Today as it had reached spring I was walking through a nature preserve with my mom. We saw two foxes (which is something rare for a more suburban area that I had never seen before). In some ways I thought it was interesting and in some ways it created some paranoid ideations (one hears of rabies outbreaks on occasion but they were behaving normally and just going about their business, where this does occur they can put out food with vaccinations for animals, people can live among wildlife without concerns). My mom was upset that what they were carrying was a bird (potentialy they were going to feed a cub) but I reminded her that this is just part of nature. However the thoughts I had set off an episode of catatonia. I enjoyed the rest of the walk (nice to see other bird species) but my body and mind were frozen in time. Thats what occurs in catatonia. Emotional changes and tic like spasms are not typical of catatonia. They are still trying to find out the origin of it but I am working with them to be considered for TCMS (trans cranial magnetic stimulation) to treat the catatonia (it has been used in a few studies) and seeking a referral for that and have made a few contacts with my providers permission. I am also working with them to appeal a coverage denial for one of my medications (formularies can be difficult for anyone, doctors included)
Anyway throughout the day every time I would try to think of what occured and how I reacted I would encounter catatonia and associated motion changes (the geese flying overhead set off arm flapping motions, the foxes my legs having to move them rapidly in the same manner they walked, these were tic like motions that are echopraxia that is copying other motions one sees, physically I can suppress them, I cannot control them). They have diagnosed this as atypical catatonia but so far are still trying to follow up as regards treatment. However I did have some edgy feelings afterwards and I knew I had some vague memories of something occuring that upset me. When the thoughts broke through I realized that it was another time the family (my father was alive then) went to a wildlife preserve and there was a family arguement. I felt frightened and betrayed that there was anger when I did nothing wrong. But when I looked back at it and I discussed this with my mom we realized that what was happening might have been anothe family member's own need to obtain help. The bipolar spectrum as I've noted carries throughout the family as I'ved posted before and more family members are seeking help.
As it turns out my mom was upset because family plans for Passover had fallen apart and she was thinking about the past and family members who were no longer alive. However she was happy I was there today and we just had a meal of what my aunt had prepared for what would have been the celebration. And we talked about family members whom we missed such as my grandfather who would when he was alive be the one to lead the ceremony. My grandmother had fallen again but we had worked together to put more accommodations in place so this wouldn't happen again. The family was going to stick together. I was going to continue to seek recovery. My mom was as well. And just like we had seen in nature life would go on as usual. It was time to get back into life and I had more plans for that. I had been able to use the train a few times myself and also we were going to see if I could find someone to accompany to the revival of the Philip Glass opera "Einstein on the Beach" (probably for the last time) which is touring. And as I was connecting back with friends I would be catching up on old times. More to follow..