new day, new month, new year

its friday. feburary 1st. 2008. i am 25 years old and in reality i have come a long way from where i was before in the past.
i am battling a disease that causes me pain on a daily basis, on top of conditions with my stomach that cause discomfort and pain daily. pain is a part of my daily life, and it is incredibly frustrating. it causes me to have ups and downs, mood swings like no other, and hurt the people accidently that i care about the most. my boyfriend told me the other night that i am mean a lot and he doesn't understand why. i try to explain to him that when you are in pain and discomfort every day of your life, you tend to get pissed at the world, and get frustrated. it's not an excuse but it is the truth. if you are going to be around me, you are going to see that side of me, unfortunately. but no one can understand that except me, and God. and other women that have this horrible monster. heck, i was feelling really sick the other day at work and this retired military woman comes in the bathroom, asks if i am okay and i tell her i just feel sick. then for some reason she turned around and starts asking me if it stress, etc. i say no and explain what is wrong with me and the response she gave me was "you just care about people too much don't you? it causes you stress on top of what you already have going on in your body and you get sick because of it"  that was like a slap in the face, but i suppose in a good way. i don't want to quit caring about other people, even if i know them or not. that is a part of who i am, and if it causes me to get sick so be it.   i am trying my hardest to really catch myself when i start to get agitated, upset, angry.....that is not me. these health issues have changed my life in so many ways. i rarely go out at all anymore, and when i do, i notice my friends and i end up talking about my health. i am 25 years old, it should not be that way. i don't want it to be that way and i don't want to be selfish. i want to go and help other people, care about other people, not have to worry about myself.  i can't ignore this even though i have tried...my outlook on things have changed, friends have changed, life has changed.....and i don't like that. i want my life back. i want to trust that God really is going to bring me through this dark valley and up to the mountaintop, but the question is always when. do i need to do something for this to go a little quicker, or does he just have a bigger and better plan for all of this that i can not forsee? one thing that lifts me up is that i look back on the trials i have been through in my time, and although they seem so hard to get through at that moment, God always pulls me through. and i can look back on them with knowledge and understanding. i hope to do that soon with my health. i want to go and be socialable, meet new people, have an active life like i used to....but there is always that discomfort holding me back. i rebuke it, have people pray for me, but it always seems to come back, pulling me down. in the meantime i am just going to pray and hope that this rainstorm moves on soon. i was asked to do an art show in a couple of weeks, and one thing i am going to try and do is to put all of these health/fda/medicine/anger in general stuff on canvas. i will see how it goes....go to a new doctor on monday, she is supposed to be good. credited by the retired surgeon general. i am going to tell her everything straight up, ask her if she can help or not, and have her send me to a nutrionist or something to really lock down the kind of diet I need. hope for the best.