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Broken

Apr 26, 2012 - 14 comments

I never knew grief could physically hurt. I honestly feel like my heart is literally crushing under the weight of the grief, sadness, and emptiness of my mom's death and her absence in my life. I never realized how much she was entwined in my everyday life, from phone calls to seeing her to the pesky emails she'd send me with news links about health and current events. I knew our bond was very close, I knew she was both my best friend and my mom, and I have no regrets about our relationship, but I didn't realize how much she was involved in so much of my life and thoughts, even without being physically in my presence--she was always just a phone call away or a short drive away for a visit. She was always there and I never had to wonder if she'd be unavailable. Whenever I wanted or needed her, she was there. Always.
I don't know what to do without her. I keep wanting to call her. When I drive out to her house, I feel sick knowing she won't be coming to the door to greet me with a hug and a smile. Going to her house doesn't even feel right without her. I keep scrolling through my emails thinking I missed one from her the last few days--just to read her name in bold to know it was sent from her recently and hasn't been read yet. But nothing. She is gone.
People tell me she'll come to visit me in my dreams. I've had one dream about her in the last 4½ weeks. It was a dream about seeing her die again. I hate that I had that dream. Why can't I have the good dreams like people think I should have? I'd love to hear my mom's happy voice again, see her smile, feel her hug me...even if it's just a dream. I'd give anything for that.
I feel so empty and lost without her. Sometimes I feel so zoned out that it causes me to have an anxiety attack. It's so hard to function some days. I still have so much to do to close out her death legally. All that probate and estate stuff. I hate dealing with it but I have no choice. She made me the executor of her will because I was all she had to do that. She wasn't married and my younger sister is a minor, so everything falls on me.
Sometimes I wish I could run away from all this. It hurts so much.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through Mother's Day.

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by Kayannaboo, Apr 26, 2012
I am so sorry for your loss sweethart and truly it is a heart rending feeling to lose the ones we love especially someone as important as your mom :(. I always tell people that us girls might be daddy's little princess but there are somethings that only a mother can do for us. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better but I can tell you that the days will get better, I promise. She will forever be in your heart. Take as long as you need to heal the wound in your heart. Remember the times you guys shared and please talk to someone about your sadness. Do not hold it in.

I am giving you a big bear hug and I am sending some positive vibes your way. I am so sorry darling! Keep me posted.

Anna

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by AHP84, Apr 26, 2012
Thank you. I am currently seeing a counselor for coping with the grieving process and had my first appointment today. I'm hoping things start to improve for my ability to handle the stress and heartache. I know that all won't go away, but just knowing good ways to cope with it will be nice.
I've never been a "daddy's little princess;" my father was not a major part of my life until only a few years ago. We are pretty close now, which I am so thankful for, but my mom was my foundation, my best friend, and the only person I had in my life at all, really, until I was ten years old. She took care of me as a wonderful mother and then she became closer than a best friend in my late teens/early 20s. I always wondered how I could ever live without her. Now I'm trying, and it's the worst thing I've ever experienced as far as emotional pain. Nothing compares to the pain of this loss, and I've been through a lot.

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by margypops, Apr 26, 2012
oh I am so sorry I know how you feel my mom passed while ago but I still feel the pain ...I always will.My way through has been I have learn't to accept what happened to her , and it was especially devastating, I cannot change it so I must endure...it doesn't go away but it gets easier to just remember her and what she meant to you ..good luck ..

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by specialmom, Apr 26, 2012
Sweetie, I know how much it hurts.  I had a grieving process that rocked me the core.  You know what I did on my first mother's day?  I went away with my sister and her family (as I didn't have one yet).  We drove to another city about 2 hours away and did sight seeing, went to a theatre show, etc.  We jammed the weekend full of things.  It really helped as I wasn't sitting and trying to do the same thing I've done in years past.  We had my sister's young kids with us and incorporated kids activities.  Is this something you could do??  We actually did that all year----  each holiday that was the first after my mom's death----  we didn't do our usual traditions but did other things to make it different.  Then the second year, we went back to our traditions and it felt better.  

I was in a state of shock for a year after my mothers death.  I was in physical pain or completely numb.  Mostly numb.  When I really 'felt' the loss . . . I wailed out loud, uncontrollably.  I felt like I couldn't take it.  I did survive.  Life was different from the point of my moms death on but I eventually had peace.  I am so wishing and praying for peace in your heart.

I went to a Christian grief counselor after her death.  Mind you, I worked in the field of mental health with psychologists and psychiatrists all around me that gave free counsel whenever I needed it----  but that Christian counselor really helped me.  Have you ever heard of LifeWay?  They sponsor a radio program and are a big organization.  This was an office run by them in the mid west.  I'm guessing they have people all over the country and it might be worth looking into in order to find a Christian counselor that specializes in grief.  All therapists are helpful ----  but found my heart needed the extra comfort of my faith involved to heal.  

I think I told you a while ago that my medical chart in my internal medicine doctor's office documents that I suffer "broken heart syndrome".  The loss of my mother created this situation.  My life is full and good, don't get me wrong.  But it hurts. We have faith though--------  I know you do.   This is the beauty of believing.  You will see your mama again.  And until then, she lives through you.  

I so feel for you and am here anytime you need to 'talk'.  peace and prayers and hugs

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by AHP84, Apr 26, 2012
I don't know what I'll do for Mother's Day. I have a large extended family on my mom's side and they usually have a get-together for every birthday and holiday, which is at least once a month. We were all together for Easter and it went well and was nice. I'm pretty sure I'll be doing some family event with them, which is fine. But I'll be the only one there who doesn't have my mom with me. It's weird to think about her absence because it still hasn't registered for me yet, I don't think. I know she's gone but it's like my head and my heart can't agree on accepting it.
I wish I could be numb, but instead I'm dealing with haunting flashbacks of her final days. Apparently this is normal, from what I'm told. But that's why my anxiety is so bad. It's like I haven't moved past the trauma of watching her die. I'm stuck there. I want the happy memories, the good dreams, the peace, heck I'd even take numbness over the pain the flashbacks cause me. I have a hard time sleeping and not much of an appetite lately, but I'm working on the steps I need to take to get past this and get better.

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by specialmom, Apr 26, 2012
Dear, you have symptoms of ptsd now and that is understandable.  You are almost in a state of true shock.  I went through this as well.  Do you take any medication for the anxiety??  Depending on how long this continues, that is always an option.  It is very hard and I wish I could make it better.  And I know once I lost my mom . . . it hurt to see others with theirs.  I didn't want anyone else to lose their mom or anything but it made my loss feel even worse to be the one without my mom.  I still go through that all the time.  Now it is the pain of my kids not having a grandma when others do.  Ouch.  It hurts.  I did things to distract myself------------  kind of crazy things.  but it helped me.  I copied recipes.  I still have spirals of recipes that I copied.  I'd go to the library and check out a cookbook and just copy away.  mindless work that kept me busy.  Keep yourself busy.  And get a journal.  Let me tell you something I did-----------  I wrote the whole story of my mother's death.  Every detail.  It was very hard to write it all down and I cried the whole time.  After i wrote the whole thing out, I started a journal that I wrote prayers in, letters to my mom, basic feelings.  I stumbled upon this journal last year.  You are not going to believe this . . . but I had forgotten some of the details of her death.  I only read my account of it one time and put the journal back where I had found it.  It comforts me to have it in a way.  I'll always be able to remember everything.  That may sound silly to you now . . . but my mom has been gone 17 years now.  Your mind gets dull on the details over time.  Do you have a journal?  

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by AHP84, Apr 27, 2012
I do a lot of my journaling on this site. I did write a journal detailing the events leading up to her death, and how her death happened (http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/348634/So-sudden?personal_page_id=1475).
I haven't journaled any with prayers or letters to her, but I've thought about it and want to do that. It's just that the last few weeks, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. When I try to "talk" to my mom or pray to God, I draw a blank. I feel lost in wherever it is that I am; I don't even know how to describe it. It's like I can't even form a sensible thought when I try to pray about it. I'm just...blank.
I've been really busy trying to regain order in the chaos that has ensued since her death. It's been a nightmare, really. Things have happened since her death that I am not yet ready to talk about publically--I'll probably never talk about publically, actually--it's been very personal issues that have nearly destroyed me emotionally. Let me just say that suffering the emotional trauma of my mom's death was closely followed by another very severe emotional trauma for me not even two weeks later.
I have never in my life faced so much heartbreak, pain, distress, confusion, and grief. I've been through a lot, I've faced a lot of trials--more than most people my age from our society. But what I've been through this past month honestly broke me down to a level I've never been broken before, and a lot of mixed feelings and emotions went with it. The only thing that has kept me going and functioning is the love of my husband, sons, and extended family's encouragement and support. Without them, I don't know where I'd be right now.

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by have 2 kids, Apr 27, 2012
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you right now.    

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by deadmemory, Apr 27, 2012
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. I couldn't imagine your grief, I hope and pray that God holds you during this hard time and that you find peace. I have suffered a loss 6 years ago.. I lost a child. 12 weeks old. I know it is somewhat different, but I know exactly the emptiness and sorrow you are experiencing. I had been put on a few different anti depressants and anti anxiety meds I felt like I was no longer living. I took myself off of them so I could deal with the loss and grief with a clear head and heart. I want you to know that although we don't know each other personally, that I am here for you if you need someone to talk to. I can relate to your loss in some respect. I am a very good listener.

Lots of love; God Bless,

Krystal

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by AHP84, Apr 27, 2012
I can't even imagine the pain of losing a child. Losing my mom has been so much harder than I thought, but I have no idea how I'd handle losing my children. However, the loss of any loved one leaves an indescribable void--that much I've realized. I wanted to grow old and still have my mom around, like she did, like my aunts and uncle do. I wanted her to see her grandchildren grow up and be able to build that grandparent bond with them as they grew into young adults. I wanted her to always be there, because as a parent, you grow up thinking your parents will always be there for you...and I don't think that ever changes, even once you're an adult.
I'm glad I had such a close relationship with my mom.

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by RockRose, Apr 27, 2012
AHP,  you always write so well, that when you write about pain it's really difficult to read.

You're right about grief causing physical pain.  It's certainly true that we suffer "heartache" and "broken hearts".    Once thought I had some kind of heart lining infection,  my heart HURT,  and when I called to make an appt with the doc the tech said have you suffered intense grief?  Well as a matter of fact,  yes.  It hurts.

I lost my mom almost a year ago,  and so I'm a little further down this road than you are.  As someone else who had a very very close and loving relationship with her mother,  I hope I can offer some insights.

1.  Your grief process will end.  It sounds like there was nothing between you and your mom that went unsaid,  that you had a healthy and loving relationship with her and you have no fears that she didn't love you/abandoned you,  etc.  You are grieving the loss of a lovely,  healthy relationship.  Strangely,  you will heal faster than a daughter who never felt loved,  and has regrets and uncertainty and resentment about their mother.  You will heal.

2.   My son gave me this most fabulous picture of my mom.  She was photogenic,  and would dress up and pose for posed pics - but this one isn't like that.  This one is what she looked like.  It's a candid shot,  with a telephoto lens,  where she is wearing little makeup and is looking very conversational - seated in a lawn chair,  her hand beneath her chin,  looking in the direction of the camera in the way she looked when in an enjoyable conversation.  It's a fabulous picture.  I see this picture several times a day and smile inside.

3.  You will probably continue to forget that she's gone for years,  I hear.  I know I forget - a LOT of the time - that my mother has passed.  She crosses my mind so often - I think of how I can't wait to tell her something,  she'd love this photo,  ooh,  this is a book I need to recommend to her.  

You are grieving because you had something wonderful.  You still do,  AHP, you have the gift your mother gave you of a mother's unconditional love.  You still have that.

God bless,   and I understand.  When you lose your dear mother,  you kind of become a member of a club.  :(

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by adgal, Apr 27, 2012
I am so sorry you are hurting so badly.  How I wish I could help in some way.  Please know I am thinking of you and I hope you are at peace soon.  xoxo

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by usuk, Apr 27, 2012
I am so sorry. I lost my mom at 20 - she was 49. Not right away - but after a while - I dreamt about her all the time. Not in a "she is an angel back from the dead" kind of way but just her at the dinner table, talking to me, normal stuff. Like she never left. It has been 21 years and she still has the same hairdo from 1992. It will happen. It is a great gift.

XOXOX

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by skepticalpeach, Apr 27, 2012
Your story made me cry. It was well written and I can tell that you really loved her. I wish you the best through your grieving process!

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