Apr 26, 2012
I never knew grief could physically hurt. I honestly feel like my heart is literally crushing under the weight of the grief, sadness, and emptiness of my mom's death and her absence in my life. I never realized how much she was entwined in my everyday life, from phone calls to seeing her to the pesky emails she'd send me with news links about health and current events. I knew our bond was very close, I knew she was both my best friend and my mom, and I have no regrets about our relationship, but I didn't realize how much she was involved in so much of my life and thoughts, even without being physically in my presence--she was always just a phone call away or a short drive away for a visit. She was always there and I never had to wonder if she'd be unavailable. Whenever I wanted or needed her, she was there. Always.
I don't know what to do without her. I keep wanting to call her. When I drive out to her house, I feel sick knowing she won't be coming to the door to greet me with a hug and a smile. Going to her house doesn't even feel right without her. I keep scrolling through my emails thinking I missed one from her the last few days--just to read her name in bold to know it was sent from her recently and hasn't been read yet. But nothing. She is gone.
People tell me she'll come to visit me in my dreams. I've had one dream about her in the last 4½ weeks. It was a dream about seeing her die again. I hate that I had that dream. Why can't I have the good dreams like people think I should have? I'd love to hear my mom's happy voice again, see her smile, feel her hug me...even if it's just a dream. I'd give anything for that.
I feel so empty and lost without her. Sometimes I feel so zoned out that it causes me to have an anxiety attack. It's so hard to function some days. I still have so much to do to close out her death legally. All that probate and estate stuff. I hate dealing with it but I have no choice. She made me the executor of her will because I was all she had to do that. She wasn't married and my younger sister is a minor, so everything falls on me.
Sometimes I wish I could run away from all this. It hurts so much.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through Mother's Day.