Methadone

I tried the methadone treatment again... I hate that stuff. 3rd times a charm. I thought I would die this time. Always, by the 3rd day I am deathly ill. Can't even keep my saliva down. Now, my back and bones ache. I feel like death. 2 days without that. Good thing is I don't withdraw because I throw up so much that I guess I rid myself of it that way. I don't know how people can take it. I think I have a serious reaction from it. My throat nearly closes up and I can't breath by the 3rd day. It is evil. I have decided. I don't think this is going to be easy but I will do it. I will. I tell myself I will but the pain I live with makes it so hard. I asked the doc. for some kind of sleeping meds because I can't sleep but it all cost so much that without insurance I can not get it. Why in the world do they charge so much for it??? I always think if I can sleep through the bad times I can make it but the only sleep I can get is if I take xanax or somas. Was out of xanax and broke down and took somas. I had not been taking them. So now I have let myself down. I swear, I hate this stuff!! I hate it so much. The last time I had bad reactions to methadone I went a good while without pain meds or xanax but this time, I have been in such pain I took the pain meds the doc. gave me for my shoulder. I was talking to hubby and decided this is my punishment. I used to talk down about people who were "pill heads" now look at me. IT came back and bit me in the rear.  I always thought they could just stop. NO.... they can't. Or maybe they can. I don't know. I just know I will not be taking that methadone anymore. I must be allergic.  I pray to God everyday to take this sickness away! Please God, I say,  If u help me I will not take anything else again. I guess I let him down because at times I ave been clean but fell back into the routine. I know I can beat it. I just want to stop hurting. I asked the doc. about Fibromyalgia and he said that there was no such thing. I was like, as many people as I know and as much pain as I live with there has got to be a reason. I think he is a quack. He told a friend of mine she did have it. What game is he playing?? I don't know... I guess I'll just keep working. I just want to stop hurting. Hubby says that the more pain meds you take the less you can handle pain without it and you have to train yourse4lf. You have to let yourself know the pain is not as bad as it seems. It is just that I have weakened myself to being able to bare the pain. I don't know. It does make since.  He went 2 nights without sleep because he was scared I was gonna die from that methadone. He said I talk crazy stuff in my sleep about dying. I feel half crazy at times. Maybe I am....