May 10, 2012
Yes, the painful beginning to a lost hope has occurred. My cycle started with a lot of pain two days ago. I am frustrated beyond belief. I am desperate to have a child. So, I went ahead and made an appointment with ART. A fertility specialist group at Brookwood Medical Center. My appointment is at 0730 and we are to be there at 0700. Next Tuesday will be a early and long day. I have completed the necessary paperwork and it is in depth. I am a little discouraged about whether this can become a reality for us. The cost is significant. And, we do not have this money in reserve. But, we want a another child. My Mother says if it is meant to be it will be. Mrs. M says it took them a long time, seven years to conceive Michael. I do not have seven years. I wanted to have another child sooner. I wanted a possible child to be closer in age to Liam. I want Liam to have a sibling, someone he can count on. I do not know what the road ahead will yeild. I pray, some way, some how, a miracle will happen. I just suffered a major panic attack, so I know that this is really bothering me. But, I am become so good at shielding my feelings that it finally found its way out. I know I should feel blessed to have the one, beautiful, wonderful child that I have. I love Liam with all my heart and cannot imagine my life without him. Also, I know that having another child puts me at great risk for loosing so much again. In a way, I feel I was robbed of my expected bonding process with Liam. Yes, I was able to somewhat function but not at a level that I could care for myself and my child. So, here I stand, at the cross roads, stuck in the middle, low on fare and unsure about which path to take. I pray that God will guide me (us). I have to have hope. That is all that I can hope for! But withouth faith and hope, what do you have? Nothing!