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WHY AM I AFRAID!!!!

May 10, 2012 - 8 comments

Well I finished my last dose of Lupron today as well as decreased the Estradiol. Boy we‘re close!!  I'm scared and tearful!! I'm scared because l had such a   traumatic miscarriage and tearful because I want this soooooooo bad!!!!!

My first BFP, I went the entire seven weeks believing I was pregnant with a healthy fetus because the beta continued to double. I must say......I have no faith in BETA testing. I've known some women to have a low beta and have healthy babies and women like myself who beta numbers hit the 25,000+ mark but eventually miscarry.  Then there's the spotting and bleeding!! Some women have successful pregnancies and women like me miscarry. I've realized there is no definitive answer in early pregnancy!! Who knows what one woman will experience. I just wish I had a crystal ball. This is all just sooooo annoying. The fact that I have UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY is driving me mad!! It's been five years since we've been actively trying to conceive!! I’m looking forward and trying my best to maintain a positive outlook.  I'm trying to keep my faith and just BELIEVE!!!

May 8, 2012 estrogen 296, lining 8.4

***FET May 16, 2012 @ 1045, transferring two 6 day blast snow babies***

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by renny320, May 10, 2012
I am so sorry you went through such a horrible experience and it is making you worry even more. I agree 100% with you about the beta #s. When I had my m/c last June my #s doubled appropriately and I thought all was well until my 6 week u/s showed the baby was not developing. It is really hard for those of us who have had m/c to not worry. I've been worried this entire pregnancy but I will be 13 weeks tomorrow and after my u/s today went so well I finally feel like I will stop worrying (I hope).

I'm praying all goes well with this frozen cycle, you get your BFP and it sticks this time. SSBD to you!!!

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by butterflybabies, May 10, 2012
I totally understand your fear. After having 6 losses myself that fear still hasn't gone away. I even had a failed ivf before and only had 3 follies that cycle so when I went into this ivf I was so worried it wouldn't work because I was a poor responder to meds. And again this time only 4 eggs retrieved. It's so hard not to stress and look back and carry all that bad with you. As hard as it is you have to try and push those feelings in the back. I'm not saying to forget about it. But try not to carry that negativity with you. It was hard for me to do that but I did and I just concentrated on this cycle and stayed as positive as I could. I even talked to my eggs before retrieval, after retrieval and once our embies were transferred I'd rub my belly and tell them how much I loved them. I still do that every night. Not a day goes by I don't think of my angel babies but I remember that all of them taught me how to be strong, and showed me how much love I had for them even though they were here for a short time. It will be hard when you get your bfp not to worry. I celebrate every week that goes by. Every week is a milestone. I'm praying for you and just know you will be ok and your dream will come true! Big hugs to you sweety!

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by sisi2399, May 10, 2012
I understand exactly what you are going thru.  I remember wanting it so bad that at the same I really didnt want to get to the transfer day.  It was so scary, It was like knowing that either I was going to get it this time or I was going to suffer and cry again like the times before.  Ive been there so many times my dear friend.  To tell you something that is positive and true is that after 5 fresh IVF my first FET was also a 6 day blast.  I am so hoping and praying that this time you get the same outcome I did.  Believe!!!

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by journey2motherhood, May 10, 2012
I think its natural to feel this way with all that you have been through.  You just remember what a strong woman you are and your ability to keep going.  Not everyone can do this so all of us on here know exactly the challenges you are up against and will always be here to support you.  Just take it one day at at time.  Not easy I know.  I will be praying for you. xxo

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by globetrot, May 10, 2012
I think you need to be kind to yourself.  You have a right to be afraid and it is okay you have been through some very painful things and for a very long time.  Also keep in mind they are messing with your hormones- so that does not help.  I am sooooo sorry you are feeling afraid, it is okay to acknowledge your fear- let your mind know it has been heard and things get better- I know that sounds weird but I am a worrier and mediatated during our cycles- my favorite one had you think of your fears not push them aside- acknowledge them- let them know they were heard and then asked for peace.   Meditation is not really my personality type but it did help.  I also did that during my transfer- asked to receive a blessing.   Please try to think good thoughts.  Hugs to you.  Blizzards of baby dust!

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by heather727, May 11, 2012
I don't think there is a woman on here that doesn't know EXACTLY how you feel - regardless of their fertility situation.  I believe you're a mother from the momen you're pregnant - if not sooner.  And mothers always worry.  I'll say though that my heart felt different with my miscarriage than it did with this pregnancy.  Even before I had any symptoms of the miscarriage I just KNEW something was wrong.  Where as with this pregnancy, I've never had a moment of doubt - I've worried, but I've never truely believed that something was going to happen.

I'll contiue to pray for your BFP and healthy baby.  It will happen for you, I know it! :)

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by TAGLAS, May 12, 2012
I sincerely thank all of you for your support during this trying time. You girls are amazing !!!


XOXOXO

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by melimeli, May 12, 2012
prayers prayers and more prayers!

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