2/8/08

So I stopped by Charlie’s last night on my way to a meeting.  I’m not sure why, I guess I was hoping that we could just have sex, but that isn’t going to be the case.  He was trembling, telling me how much he missed me, and that he was doing better. He told me he never loved anyone like this, and he’s never hurt so bad in his life.   He told me to call him if I needed anything.  I ended up telling him no, that I needed to be alone for awhile, but I gave him my number, and kissed him.  I do miss him.  I don’t want to fall back into this relationship, and I know it could be so easy for me to do so.  I guess I just felt bad about flirting, (sex talk) with Michael from work, whose married.  On another note, I found out Nick threw his progress report away instead of letting me see it.  I’m so goddamned angry about that, I want to knock the **** out of him.  I’m at the end of my rope, nothing works with that kid.  He doesn’t improve.  I’m tired of trying, and getting angry.  Anger eats at my soul, right now it’s got me so depressed, I keep tearing up at work.  I wish there was an answer.  I feel guilty when I ground him, because I don’t want him to grow up like me, depressed and isolated like me.   Why does he ******* lie to me all the time.  I guess the issue is control, I feel like I have no control of him.  It sucks, and it’s so hard.  Nothing I’ve done has worked with his lying.  He lies, manipulates me, constantly.  Usually the first thing out of his godamned mouth is a lie.  I’m starting to really resent him for it, because it releases this crazy angry person inside me that I hate, and it ***** with my peace of mind.  Being a mom is so hard, sometimes,  I wish that I didn’t have kids, so I could just give up.  Life is hard, and it sucks so much sometimes.  I wish I could have a positive outlook, but it seems like nothing I do is ever enough.  And now I have this ******* cancer scare to worry about also.  I hate my life sometimes, and it’s all my fault every ******* bit of it.  I wish I would have done things different.  I wish I felt complete, and whole w/out drugs.  I’m just so sick and tired of my life right now.  I wish I had the strength to carry on, but right now, I just don’t give a **** about anything.  Why does that little **** do this to me.  I’m serious I just feel like saying **** it all.  Why does he do this to me?  I wish that people in the program called me every once in awhile, but they don’t my ******* phone never rings, my own family hardly ever calls me.  I’m jealous of everyone it seems.  It seems like everyone has it more together than me, Why do I always have to be so ****** up.  It seems like as soon as I take a step forward, my stagnancy catches up with me, and my effort is wasted.  I’m tired right now, I just want to beat the **** out of someone, and hurt people.  But really I’m hurting, and it seems like noone really gives a ****.  And why would they?  Everyone has their own problems to worry about, and a lot of their problems are way more significant than mine.  I know I need help, I need to reach out, but nobody really cares anyway, and I would just be intruding on them. I’d be forcing them to tell me they care when they don’t.  I don’t want a bunch of fake ******** in my life. I hate lies and fakeness.    I don’t want to work, I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to pursue anymore ****** up relationships.  It just seems like I’ve wasted my whole life.  I give up.  I’m sick of all of this ******* ****.  **** it All!  Now I’m feeling sorry for myself, poor me.  I wish someone loved me truly, and truly cared.  I wish I had someone that really wanted to listen to me and help me.  Nobody ******* cares. I’m alone.  I’m just want to cry and stay in bed all day, and give up.  Nobody at NA gives a **** about me, they probly think I’m just some little tramp.  I don’t know if I can do this or not, I don’t know if I want to.  I hate myself. I hate my boss, I hate my friends for not loving me.  It seems like I have to **** someone to get them to love me.  I can’t believe Nick did that, why did he think he would get away with that ****.  I’m so disappointed in him, and I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him.  He’s a ******* liar.  A lazy little ******* liar.  See no wonder nobody cares about me.  Life sux, it’s just too godamned hard.  I’m so angry I just want to hurt someone.  Mike myspace messaged me again, after I blocked him.  God he makes me sick, why won’t he just leave me alone.  I wish I could forget that I ever met him.   He’s nasty.  I know who am I to say that?  But sexually he’s very ******* weird, and I don’t like it, and no amount of showers will erase the memories.  I guess I’m gonna have a ****** up day.  I want to hurt Mike, I want to call him and tell him to never message me or call me again, but I won’t.  I’m supposed to meet with Valerie today, watch that’s probly going to get ****** up again too somehow.  I hate everything!  God I can’t seem to drag myself out of this ****.  Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to.  Sometimes, I get so damned sick of pretending I’m ok, and everythings wonderful.  I’m never ok, I’m always uncomfortable in my own skin.  Being alive really sucks most of the time, and it’s all my own damned fault.. but I have resentments against other people also.  My parents for example.  I always thought I was doing a better job, but am i?  no. I am not.  I’m tired, my back hurts and life sucks big dicks.  It’s just that sometimes, it just feels like it’s not ******* worth it.  Espcially if I have cancer again.  God please help me, love me, hold me, take away my lonliness and my fear.  Please help me not hurt anyone today.  I feel invisible.  My back really does hurt, and I miss my Grandma.  I know she loved me.  I know my mom does too, and my siblings and my kids.. And maybe even some of my friends.  And God, does He love me?  Yes I think he does.   Maybe I’m just a ******* drama queen, and I’m sitting here at my desk crying because I want attention, I know deep inside that’s it’s at least part of it.  I’m creating reasons to be sad, so I’ll have to reach out, so I know people care about me. Guess I’m a big attention junkie.  I’m a yuckie, jealous, angry, sick, insecure person, I don’t like me. And my back really does hurt, right in between my shoulder blades.   I wonder if these NA people are full of ****.. they’ve all found the key to peace and serenity.  People spend their whole lives searching for that and never finding it.  I’m hungry, but I don’t want to eat, I just want to smoke, or curl up in a ball and bawl all day.  I’m so mad at nick.  I love him so much, I try to do so much for my kids, doesn’t he even give a **** about me?  Why does he lie to me, when I’ve shown him how much it hurts and angers me.  He’s seen me beg, cry, scream, hit, all over his lying.  I’ve made him write essays, gronded him, begged him, talked seriously to him.  Nothing ever ******* works cos he doesn’t give a ****.  All he cares about is himself.  Damn I can’t believe I just wrote that, that is defiantly something my mom would say.