Just starting back on this site and needing to write

I recently went to my psychiatrist and he thinks that I have a heart condition called SVT along with hypertension. My BP was almost stroke level when I went in there. So now I'm taking even more pills. I've decided to slowly go off the Xanax b/c I don't think it really helps anymore. I think when I took it I was searching for that euphoria I used to get, where I felt none of the suffering I usually do on a day to day basis. Now I know that I just need to conquer this on my own. My self esteem is a big part of it. I hate myself in a big bad way...I used to be a cutter (which I have not done in a very long time) and I feel like I have failed my family and myself on a daily basis. All things that will take time for me to work on but I'm feeling optimistic. Which is a huge switch for me. Anyways, if you read this thanks for listening.