May 21, 2012
Insomnia from 3am then slept this morning after kids got up - thank goodness for hubby. Got up to blow dry middle daughters hair (after her dad helped her have a shower - normally something I do). Struggling to function today, struggling to speak, feel dead.
Forced myself to have a shower to wake myself up which felt lovely at the time but still as flat after getting out. Thoughts are driving me mad, I fell asleep just hoping I would never wake up again. Not something that is 'me'. But that is what my head is full of today. I am arguing against it in the daytime and plus point this month is the tears having arrived (yet). So fingers x'd they don't.
Hubby isn't going out tonight - his normal night out, he says its because he's got a cold - which he has (and I have) but I think it's because when I was bad last month I told him after I'd cried for 3 hours while he was out.. I feel guilty now for telling him, but in a way it's nice he wants to be here. He's trying to understand so that is good. I just find myself hoping for these days to pass like I'm a passenger on a bus that is taking too long and is travelling a route I don't want to go.
I can't really talk to people - normally I communicate through Facebook with my friends since we moved away but I know I'm becoming distanced from them, and my sister is the same, she never calls me and I haven't got the energy to call her and talk about this or ignore it when i talk to her, that feels disloyal to her. She knows I am struggling emotionally but we haven't spoken or text for a few weeks - not like us as normally I call. I am tired of being the one to call people though.
Too tired to bother, too tired to matter.