May 28, 2012
...have been a series of ups and downs. I can honestly say that I thought this part of my life was over, and find it's timing most inconvenient, as I am starting a new position at a brand new store, with a brand new unfamiliar staff, at a much quieter store...AND we are expecting our first baby, which was already a source of a lot of preoccupation and anxiety...
For two solid weeks I felt better...felt more in control, able to "supress" the anxiety, and found great comfort in this, even if part of me was still overly vigilant about the return of the cyclical thought patterns. The other great complication was fear of addiction to the Lorazepam which I have taken for the last 5 weeks.
I had been worried about my trip to Vegas, nervous about re-starting the Celexa (which I had started around the 13th) and nervous about having to give the Best Man speech...when we got to Las Vegas on the 17th I could feel some heightened anxiety, what I at least partially contribute to the side effects of starting a new med, but my spirits were high...I was still aware of the anxiety, and still vigilant, but it wasn't the oppressive thought presence it had been. But on the Sunday after the wedding, as Gaby and I walked around the strip of Vegas...I begun thinking more and more about my anxiety, until I felt that "Unshakable" hold of the thoughts. In these instances, I feel like I convince myself that I can't stop thinking about it, which in turn creates a powerful return of the anxiety as a whole.
Since then I have gone through a heightened return of physical anxiety, and even some mild depression. I try to stay positive, and in the mornings, when I am still comfortable in bed, I am able to think of other things, as I am relaxed and rested.
Today is Memorial Day...I have gone through ups and downs throughout the day. I am still battling the fear of addiction to the Lorazepam, which I know should be my last concern.
I had some depression come on, and a headache, and felt like staying in bed all , but thankfully Gaby insisted we go for a walk, which did help quite a bit...it was a gorgeous day out and my mood improved immediately. Talking to Gaby about out future child also helped, even if the anxious thoughts still popped up. The nice weather, cool breeze and bright sunlight are welcome additions to my life at the moment.
Things I remain positive about:
-That when I am finally on the 40mgs of Celexa (and done with the regular use of Lorarzepam) I will have more control over the anxiety and able to promote different and positive thoughts to break the cyclical nature of of my anxiety.
-That my anxiety will naturally become less and less pervasive, as it did in the past.
-That as long as I stay positive, you positive self-talk and remind myself that I have beaten it in the past, that I will avoid sinking into the negative loop and feeling sorry for myself.