May 29, 2012
More venting about this one guy, getting sick of my venting about him yet? Well this time I'll vent about him and his best friend.
Okay, you need to learn how to move on and let me go already. I understand, I get it. I'm starting to get how you felt, and I can't believe I would actually do this to you. I really [possibly] hurt you, and I wasn't intending on making you feel that way. I thought I was only protecting myself, when I didn't realize that I was probably hurting you too. This song is helping me understand, I can't believe I couldn't see it before. This song, I realized it's how you felt when Janessa and I were singing it on our way home. I really feel bad now, but you can't blame me (the song is Last To Know by Three Days Grace). I understand that I should take half the blame on why the relationship didn't work out, and I am. If Steve really likes me, and if you know if he does, I hope you're not putting **** into his head like in the song. I'm sorry we didn't work out, and I'm sorry if we can't go back to how we used to be. I'm sorry that I really like your best friend, and I'm sorry that I didn't try to talk to you when things weren't okay. I'm sorry that I [probably] hurt you more than you hurt me, and I'm sorry that I couldn't like you back; to return those feelings. You read my poetry, and now you know how I felt. But not until after we broke up did I realize why I broke up with you. It wasn't just because you weren't proud to call me yours, but because I wasn't having the time of my life. I wasn't happy. Please, just let go of me already. There is no use in hanging on to something that isn't there anymore. That's what I learned when you left me for her, so you gotta learn the same thing. That isn't a valid excuse, saying that she messed with your mind. That you wanted to ask me out ever since you knew I liked you, but you couldn't because she was confusing you. Do you get how much that hurt me? You were confused, for a month? It was more like "You were too late, I moved on, I know you'll understand and I just don't have feelings for you anymore". So why can't you let me be happy and like the person I like? Can't I just tell you the same thing? You were too late, I moved on, please understand that I no longer have feelings for you. Please, I'm asking you to please, just let go of me already. Your feelings for Claire confused you? You didn't know what to do? Look where your decision brought us Jordan... look where we are now. I shouldn't be blaming you, but I just need to say this.
You really messed up Jordan. You messed up. How are you going to fix this? If it could even BE fixed...
I miss being your friend, and even if we can't be the same again, can't we just try? That's why the moment we broke up, I was happy and stuff. I wanted to be like we never went out, like we never happened. Not because I don't want people to know we used to be together, or that I didn't like our relationship so much as to forget it ever happened. But because I wanted it as if it never happened, so we never happened, to make it like we could still be best friends. I regret going out with you, not because it ruined my life nor ruined my chances with Steve, but because it ruined our friendship.
Steve, by now you should probably be able to tell that I like you. Do you know yet? Has the word finally got to you? I know a lot of people who know that I like you, because I told them. I still doubt that you like me back, but I don't know. I'm getting mixed signals here. I don't know what to think, because I think that you like me but at the same time I think you don't. I'm confused right now. And if you don't go to the high school I'm going to, I'll be sad. But if that's the case, then I will confess my feelings for you on the last day of vacation. You're my special dog that I love very much, and I'd be sad if this was the last time we ever went to the same school together. You were right, when you said you were like Jordan but less PMS-y. And maybe that's why I like you. Because of who you are, plus because you saved me from self-pity. Maybe I can't vent to you, because you try to change the subject, but that's fine, I'm okay with that. You can be so nice, then you can become cold. Sometimes I get the feeling that I irritate you, and sometimes I feel like you like me back. You're funny, and that's probably what I like best about you. You don't care if you can't sing [well], you sing anyways when we do our duets because it's fun. It's fun when we scream together [ocean you better not get any wrong ideas in your head]. I really like dogs, and it's funny how you became my dog. I don't know if Jordan's been telling you anything, I just hope it doesn't affect the way you feel towards ANYONE. If you don't like me, that's fine, as long as you like someone who makes you happy, I'll be fine with it. As long as that person doesn't change you who are.
[now just random about both of them and about today]
Earlier today was weird guys. I don't know what happened Jordan, but out of nowhere during promotion practice, you started getting really pissed when I was having fun with John. Like, you seemed to get so mad when he was making me laugh [i can't tell if it was tickling or not], and when I was trying to tickle [i guess] him back. You seemed to be pissed the whole time. Oh yeah, Jordan, when I saw you this morning, part of me was actually irritated just by seeing you. I actually didn't want to see you at all today. Aside from that, you seemed to be jealous of how much attention John was apparently getting. John, like wtf earlier today [xD] how when I was just scratching your back then you suddenly wanted me to touch your asss. Then you wanted someone to jack you off. Like, whoa. And then how you and Jordan started trying to push each other down the slide. Were you guys fighting over who was to lay on my legs, who would stay on the play structure, or both? My guess is: You [tried to] push Jordan down the slide because he was also laying on my legs, then it ended with you two fighting over the playground.
THIS ENTRY GOT TOO LONG AGAIN. FAAACK.