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Having a Hard Time

Feb 23, 2008 04:55AM - 11 comments

Well, Wow!  We had this plan.  My son was going to stay here and then attend college for two years (startting in June), and then transfer over to Auburn to complete his bachelors.  And he really WANTED to do that.  And I, who have spent my entire life around and for my son... well I was pretty happy with that arrangement.  And I'm feeling a little bit better lately due to no transfusions in three or four weeks, but I'm still sick.  And it's difficult for me to drive.

My son's girlfriend, who I really do love (although I could smack her right now), is in Texas.  And she gave my son sort of an ultimatum.  If he didn't come there, she was going to date someone else.  So now my son is MOVING to Texas.  Today.  I had like two days notice that the entire reason for my existence for the past nineteen years is moving to another state.  But he doesn't want to lose her, and actually, he was so upset about the prospect of her leaving him that I even told him to go to Texas, because I couldn't deal with him being that hurt and sad.  So he's going to start college there.  And I just feel so alone.  I'm in this huge house, I'll be by myself, and I guess I feel kind of abandoned even though I gave him my blessiing.  Also, financially I'm not doing that great, but I think I can sell some jewelry or something and make my mortgage, and I'm going to go to work for one of the poultry companies that''s asked me, even though I'm still treating, because I don't really have a choice.

Anyway, this all happened so fast that I didn't have time to get used to the idea.  So I guess I'm pretty depressed about the whole thing, antidepressants notwithstanding.  And kind of scared too, for me, and for my son.  I want to move with him if he moves.  And I can't, because I'm stuck here with a big house, etc. etc.  But most of MY family is where my son is going.  So it's hard for me that he's going to be there and I can't be with him and everyone else.  The big issue there is that the cost of living is much higher and what I do for a living might not transfer over there.  I have a liberal arts degree, and Austin is a tech town.  Still, I might be able to sell poultry, I don't know.  Anyway.  I need to finish treatment first and foremost, before I do anything.  I think that's a given.  Then I can figure the rest out.

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by grammy64, Feb 23, 2008 09:20AM
Hi-

I just wanted to say I feel bad that you feel bad.  I have kids a little older than yours, and I, as well, have revolved my life around them.  Would not take that back for the world.  Why dont you make a plan to go visit your son and his GF in TX in a short amount of time, like 6 weeks or something?  That way you have some time to save up some money to spend a weekend there and it gives him some time to get used to his life there.  It would be a nice goal/something to look forward to for both of you and you would probably feel more at ease about the situation, knowing that you will be seeing him again soon.  Plus, who knows, maybe by then they will have broken up and he will be back home.

Just a thought....
Lori

by child24angel, Feb 23, 2008 10:24AM
AlaGirl.....I feel your pain...I am very sorry things are not working !!!!
Jeez girl what is next !! Who knows? your son may come back !!

Do you have any close friends that can move in and help out with the mortgage?

In addition, someone should be with you on the days you can't drive.

Sending many hugs your way
Elaine

by Lady Lauri, Feb 24, 2008 04:59PM
Hi , sorry about the latest. Know it's going to be a bit scary on your own also. It's VERY hard when your son (s) go out there and we have spent our life's on them, yet know it's going to happen. I love my daughter in law also, tho I have to loose my son a bit in it (time wise). But when I first got sick she came over all worried about him as he'd gone home and cried, she said 'you realize YOU are his heart, right? Above everything he melts when it comes to you", which just made me smile/cry at the same time. She respects that, which is good. We have to share them and hopefully with a woman we like!!
  It IS, however, a bit selfish of her in your situation!!! I have 3 sons, friends, family....not just one nor near as sick as you. I don't think she'd pull that at all (come now or I'm dating another). It's sad for you, and him too as he's going to feel guilt in this
  As I just had a woman and her daughter move out (and it was time and I hate roomates!  Like living alone.) BUT, with a big house maybe you can rent a room?? Know that's not always a great thing.

  Glad your feeling better, sorry your sad :(

Lauri

by Mikkimoe, Feb 25, 2008 12:03AM
So sorry - I feel your pain. But in my case I had to leave my son in Texas and go back to Ca with my job. He had just started at Texas A&M and he worked so hard to get in. I felt horrible but had to keep my job - he understood and got a cute little place in College station with his friend. Good news is after he graduated he got a job in Burbank and moved back out by me so everything eventually worked out in the end.

Do you have a dog? Pets really help for me.

by Wassup, Feb 25, 2008 12:49AM
Hi Ala,  I don't know if you are eligable for a home heath care provider, ( for the disabled and elderly.  But you could check into this @ the social Security Office nearest you.  I know a lady who rents a room to her health care provider, and they work out her hours to help, when she is in need of help, (ie., driving, etc.  Be very careful whom you rent to, (if you decide to do this).  Do a background check on them, Police records, etc. Going through tx, especially.  You won't be in a position to guard yourself as you would if you were healthy.  

Re: your son, and the TX. girlfriend......if she's that demanding, it probably won't last too long anyhow.  Like her or not, I feel it was pretty shallow of her to give your son that ultimatum.. I also feel that you did the right thing by sending him off with your blessings.  At least YOU, won't be the one who has to live with any regrets.  My daughter moved 400 mi. North, just after Christmas.  She said that she felt like she was deserting me in my time of need.  Well, she HAD offered to move in with me and take care of me.  For many reasons, (none of which had anything to do with us), this just didn't work out. So, she asked me what I thought of her leaving. The jist of what I told her was: you're young with no commitments here. You certainly have no need to feel obligated to me.  If it comes to a point where I really DO need you, I'll call. She made me promise that I would. So, I wished her health and happiness, and sent her on her adventure, with my blessings. I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely.  I can relate.  Big ol' friendly hugs, Ant B

by Trish77, Feb 25, 2008 06:06AM
There's a saying that our job as parents is to give them roots and wings.  We give them roots first...ground them in all the things that are important...family, character, values, independent thinking, personal responsibility....and then we give them wings to make a life of their own taking their roots with them for their foundation.  Either we kick them out of the nest for their sake or they decide it's time to fly for their own reasons.  He must really love this girl because he certainly also loves you.  Finding the mate you want to spend your life with is quite the driving force. My son and I are very close but certainly I know there are times when I have to take the backseat to his girlfriend so that he can build his relationship with her.   Your son knows what a sacrifice you made for him to send him off like that.  

The pet suggestion isn't bad....my daughter got me a young cat for Christmas because she knew it would be a comfort to me and she knew I'd put off getting one for myself.  That cat is SUCH a cuddler, not like any cat I've ever had.  And believe it or not...she really is a comfort.  Animals are an expense and it's the main reason I put off getting one.  I didn't realize you had to spay female cats to keep them from going into heat.  Once I found out I'd have that expense on top of everything else, I was not so happy about the cat until a girlfriend suggested that she'd be worth the expense...and I realized she was right.  I've enjoyed having her around and she'll be a comfort to me through tx.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.  I truly hope you find the resources to get through this and I believe in your resilience to deal with this. Get healthy...and then everything else follows.    

Good luck, alagirl.

Trish

by labrannen, Feb 28, 2008 06:06PM
I've been out of the loop lately but I've just caught up on your postings and want to say this:  I gather from what I've read, that you are a very resilient person.  If that's true, you will come through this.  Just know that you are not alone in making your decisions.  I believe that God gets involved in our decision making process, if we let Him.  We tend to worry about things, people, reasons and the future, but we can only live one day at a time and then we may not understand it all until after it has passed.  In the meantime, we just trust God and do our best.  I am putting you name, 'alagirl', on my prayer list.  I know that 'alagirl' is not your real name but that's okay.  God knows who you really are.  Be encouraged and be blessed.
Lowell

by Wassup, Mar 05, 2008 07:25PM
Hey ala, we havn't heard from you in a while, just wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you.  mY DAUGHTER MOVED TO sf bAY AREA RIGHT AFTER cHRISTMAS, SHE CALLS PRETTY OFTEN, BUT IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME AS SEEING HER PRETTY FACE. (stupid caps lock).  No, I'm not screaming at you, promise.  I was just thinking about you and decided that you were overdue for one of my HUGS!!!!! There ya go  ya sweet little poultry pusher, you!!!  Ant B  

by merryBe, Mar 12, 2008 08:13PM
haven't seen you in here in a while, glad to hear your blood is holding at least.

I can't think of anything too comforting to say////except that I would not want to be alone right now, and that's got to feel worse than can ever be expressed. I weep for you.
Even when we do have the Lord, when we are sick we do need help of the mortal variety.
Maybe your son needs a break...I know mine was over here visiting Sunday, and he started to squirm the moment the topic of the virus came up. Just tired of all the sick talk I guess. Sometimes, our sickness is too much for the young...(even if they haven't been infected as mine has)......and I'm not sure how hubby does it..he's my rock....but a 20 year old would have a harder time.

I think my prayer would be that your son think it through carefully, and that he only do it if it is God ordained, not driven by fear or desire, and that God would grant him the wisdom to know where his calling and responsibilities lie right now.. Amen,

by drjai, Apr 03, 2008 12:39AM

hai,
this time copmes in every one s life. son and daughter go away . but you have to live and carry on your life with your head held high.
if you r lucky enough and your son really love you he will come back to you or take you with him,.
someday.
till then live happily.
cse we all live  and work and pray for








HAPPINESS
goodluk
drjai

by drjai, Apr 03, 2008 12:44AM
sorry about your disese .[please take ferrum phosphate pills ( a biochemic medicine) and have plenty of spinach and carrot juice.
wishing you quick healing .
you can e mail your blood reports to me so that we can find a remedy in ayuerveda(  indian system of medicine using pklants and minerls etc.).
my e mail is
jai_victory3***@****


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