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alcoholic mother was ok for 2 years until yesterday
Jan 01, 2009 02:40PM
- 7 comments
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my mom was at the end. previously very successful, left a job, slept somewhere in a cottage with ... whoever ... drinking from bottle (40%) while driving, she didn't even change... until accident - fell into the stream - broke 7 ribs, 3 back plates, head bone missing - helicopter - miracle that she survive.
i had a son, was scared to tell her - but in hospital - no drink - a bit of help - when she got out of there - i offered her to come with me and look after my son. i was very scared - i still kept my nanny - he was only 7 months - now he is 2 and 7 months. everything worked "well". 1st fax pax happened after probably 1 month - it was expected - we made a deal and a promise. After second - shortly after - she packed her stuff herself and next day apologize. and we were ok until yesterday. drunk as she could be. when i saw her, i took a bottle and spilled it in a sink, she got angry i tried to drink bleach. fight over the bleach... i won by slaping her. got my nanny back for today and thinking what to do. give her another chance - risk my son?
i can't deny she is the best with him but what if. and to make her not to feel bad i'm paying her as well as i'd pay my nanny. but cant afford two.
any opinion for a good new yer start?
i had a son, was scared to tell her - but in hospital - no drink - a bit of help - when she got out of there - i offered her to come with me and look after my son. i was very scared - i still kept my nanny - he was only 7 months - now he is 2 and 7 months. everything worked "well". 1st fax pax happened after probably 1 month - it was expected - we made a deal and a promise. After second - shortly after - she packed her stuff herself and next day apologize. and we were ok until yesterday. drunk as she could be. when i saw her, i took a bottle and spilled it in a sink, she got angry i tried to drink bleach. fight over the bleach... i won by slaping her. got my nanny back for today and thinking what to do. give her another chance - risk my son?
i can't deny she is the best with him but what if. and to make her not to feel bad i'm paying her as well as i'd pay my nanny. but cant afford two.
any opinion for a good new yer start?
Don't know if I'm the best one for advice.... I think you should keep your nanny...I understand your mom might be very good with your son...but she is not well...I would try to get her into a program since she was sober for two years...maybe she just needs a little support....Best of Luck...
i'm thinking to send her back. she would not take any medical or any other advise, she thinks she's all right.
I was faced with a decision like this 7 years ago. My real mother was within months of dying, I invited her back into my life after several years had passed without seeing her. I wanted her to meet her only grandchild, with one condition: no drinking before or during our visits. It worked out well for a while, she was wonderful with him, a glimmer of the mother I never saw as a result of the alcohol induced abuse.
But soon enough she started drinking during the visits, I could not risk her doing to him what she had done to me. I severed ties. I had spent 5 months in and out of the hospital with her, explaining to doctors that she was end-stage liver cancer, that she was an alcoholic, that she would need to be monitored for DT's, that she would get violent all while parenting a new baby.
I had to turn away and care for my own family. One day I called my younger brother to chat and he said the nursing home called and said she was near the end. I left 2 days later, drove across the state, but was too late by 4 hours. She died at the age of 48, in a nursing home, from liver cancer due to chronic alcohol abuse.
Part of me wishes I could have been there to say goodbye, An even bigger part of me knows we made the best choice in protecting my son and in all honesty, protecting myself. I miss the idea of the mom I saw with my son, but I rarely saw that in my own life. I cannot mourn a mom I never knew and cannot bring myself to mourn the mother who brought so much heartache and pain.
I think that ultimately you need to choose what is best for your son. If help has been offered and she has refused, you cannot fight this battle for her.
I have been there, I know how much it hurts to walk away and not look back. In the end, that child of yours means more than anything. Make the choice you need to for him.
But soon enough she started drinking during the visits, I could not risk her doing to him what she had done to me. I severed ties. I had spent 5 months in and out of the hospital with her, explaining to doctors that she was end-stage liver cancer, that she was an alcoholic, that she would need to be monitored for DT's, that she would get violent all while parenting a new baby.
I had to turn away and care for my own family. One day I called my younger brother to chat and he said the nursing home called and said she was near the end. I left 2 days later, drove across the state, but was too late by 4 hours. She died at the age of 48, in a nursing home, from liver cancer due to chronic alcohol abuse.
Part of me wishes I could have been there to say goodbye, An even bigger part of me knows we made the best choice in protecting my son and in all honesty, protecting myself. I miss the idea of the mom I saw with my son, but I rarely saw that in my own life. I cannot mourn a mom I never knew and cannot bring myself to mourn the mother who brought so much heartache and pain.
I think that ultimately you need to choose what is best for your son. If help has been offered and she has refused, you cannot fight this battle for her.
I have been there, I know how much it hurts to walk away and not look back. In the end, that child of yours means more than anything. Make the choice you need to for him.
Swampy mostly agrees with Andi, adding to her comments
Any duty you have to your mother cannot possibly include allowing her to harm your child. By drinking, and actively refusing to try and get better, she is sending you the message that drinking is the most important thing to her.
You have no duty to police your mother's drinking. If she wants to get drunk and harm herself, that is what she gets to do.
You have a duty to protect your child.
If your mother still retains the ability to live alone, Swampy advocates tough love in this sort of situation. Come back with a 180 day sobriety pin from AA, then if you can continue your progress, then we will discuss you being a part of the family.
If your mother does not retain the ability to live alone, it would be compassionate to make certain she has the best accommodations possible that are not in your home and do not affect you.
Swampy wishes that the only symptom of alcoholism were that people drank too much.
Any duty you have to your mother cannot possibly include allowing her to harm your child. By drinking, and actively refusing to try and get better, she is sending you the message that drinking is the most important thing to her.
You have no duty to police your mother's drinking. If she wants to get drunk and harm herself, that is what she gets to do.
You have a duty to protect your child.
If your mother still retains the ability to live alone, Swampy advocates tough love in this sort of situation. Come back with a 180 day sobriety pin from AA, then if you can continue your progress, then we will discuss you being a part of the family.
If your mother does not retain the ability to live alone, it would be compassionate to make certain she has the best accommodations possible that are not in your home and do not affect you.
Swampy wishes that the only symptom of alcoholism were that people drank too much.
You tried to drink bleach as a response to her drunkeness?
I agree with AndiJ7 as well. It concerns me you were about to harm yourself and put your own kid at risk by trying to drink bleach.
Please take care of yourself and your family first... Your mom needs help, but you have to what is best for you and your family. You can't put yourself at risk like that again.
Please take care of yourself and your family first... Your mom needs help, but you have to what is best for you and your family. You can't put yourself at risk like that again.
There is a difference between having your mother be a grandmother to your son and have your mother be a nanny to him. My mom is an amazing grandmother. She spends lots of wonderful quality grandmother time with my child and her other grandchildren. I don't think my sisters or I would ever leave our kids alone with her, however. Rules are meant to protect people and also show that we love people. Letting her break your rules and get away with it only shows that you condone her behavior.
My mom is an alcoholic and for awhile was off alcohol and smoking (she got legionairres disease and was in the hospital for 3 weeks with mostly symptoms similar to pnemonia). Anyways, she's back to doing everything again, and I would not trust her alone with my child or with anyone's. She is wonderful but when drinking can forget to be watchful. Little things like will your child turn on the burner on the stove or put something in the microwave that doesn't belong... or what if she doesn't think leaving her pill bottles out is wrong? I mean, sure we have baby safe homes, but what if our parents bring medication in and don't think to make those child safe?
You should not feel depressed about your relationship with your mother. You are a grown adult, and a mother to your own child. Worry about your own family first. I don't understand what you said about the bleach. Please don't drink bleach! Don't talk about drinking bleach or even think about it! If you are having thoughts even if you don't mean to act out on them, you should talk to your doctor. depression isn't a great thing to deal with. I've had to deal with it in my life, and so have many family members of mine. Depression can make thoughts that wouldn't otherwise be in our heads have power over us some times.
My mom is an alcoholic and for awhile was off alcohol and smoking (she got legionairres disease and was in the hospital for 3 weeks with mostly symptoms similar to pnemonia). Anyways, she's back to doing everything again, and I would not trust her alone with my child or with anyone's. She is wonderful but when drinking can forget to be watchful. Little things like will your child turn on the burner on the stove or put something in the microwave that doesn't belong... or what if she doesn't think leaving her pill bottles out is wrong? I mean, sure we have baby safe homes, but what if our parents bring medication in and don't think to make those child safe?
You should not feel depressed about your relationship with your mother. You are a grown adult, and a mother to your own child. Worry about your own family first. I don't understand what you said about the bleach. Please don't drink bleach! Don't talk about drinking bleach or even think about it! If you are having thoughts even if you don't mean to act out on them, you should talk to your doctor. depression isn't a great thing to deal with. I've had to deal with it in my life, and so have many family members of mine. Depression can make thoughts that wouldn't otherwise be in our heads have power over us some times.
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