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My brother wrote me. Says he's always used condoms...

Jun 25, 2012 - 19 comments
Tags:

HIV Prevention

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Condoms

,

HIV



Except for a few times with his 17-year-old boyfriend. He says that he has accepted his diagnosis and isn't going to stress it, but that he doesn't understand how this happened. He says he always used protection, except for with his afermentioned boyfriend. He said he hates having unprotected sex, and was always cautious safe for him.  This is just not adding up for me. His boyfriend is a recluse, he's completey to himself other than my brother, and he has always been the one on edge about my brother cheating. My brother, sadly, has always been the cheater and so the fact that he says he used a condom during all his escapades would mean...that he got it from his boyfriend, right? I just can't see that. I just can't see this. I am losing faith in what "stone cold fact" in HIV is. Maybe condoms were not 100% effective in his outside encounters? I mean, it couldn't have been his high school ******* shy *** boyfriend. Right?

I can't take this anymore. He left for the Army to make a life for himself and now he has no idea what to do with his life. And I feel like I aske for all of this. I can't see that his boyfriend gave him HIV so now i am questioning the effiency of condoms.

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by jackie722, Jun 26, 2012
People nowadays hardly ever stay faithful to there partners....and unfortanely it can take just that "one time" with that "one person" who has the virus to pass it onto you..... Its sad but very true....

With regards to condoms......I think thats a very good question - asking if they really protect us from HIV at a 100% at all times..... and you have actually made me think about it..... cause what happens if it actually doesnt? If that little bit of semen escapes ... ?!

I think your brother needs to back track....to the people he has been with, including his new boyfriend......
cause you dont wanna be having unprotected sex with them.....And the other infected person needs TO wear condoms
at all times... x

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 26, 2012
Has he had the confirmatory test--the WB,you never said if he has.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 26, 2012
It is a good question, about the effectiveness of condoms. Its crazy. That this is happening Is crazy. I don't know how I predicted this happening to my brother so precisely, but in my mind I thought it would be because he was going out unprorected. Now that he has told me it wasn't the case, that he protected himself with everyone except this high school boy whom he had been with for YEARS, is just like not adding up in any way.

RainLover im sure he has had a WB. He said he's going to the doctor and that they're sending him home and he will be here any Day.

......

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 26, 2012
If the penis is wet before you put the condom on while having sex there is a very high chance that the condom will slide off.It will break if there is not enough lube either.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 26, 2012
:(

Ugh. Wouldn't he have known if it did? I dont know. Part of me just wants to call his boyfriend and ask him if he ever cheated on Curtis and tell him why I'm asking, but I know it's not my place.

I just wan to know how my brother was infected. Because if it wasn't his boyfriend (which I just like KNOW that it couldn't have been), then condoms are not full-proof against the virus and I am beginning to wonder what is, besides complete abstinence?

I feel like I will be next. Its eating me alive.



Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 26, 2012
I think you are going down the wrong path now,if he is indeed positive then support is what is needed & healthy living because HIV is manageable.You might never know who infected him.You seem like a very caring person so be there for him.You can continue to have sex you just need to do it right--prepare for the occassion.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 26, 2012
Thanks a lot RainLover, but Continue? Lol. I haven't had sex in two years and im petrified over the fact I even fell asleep for those couple of hours at that guy's house. After this, I'm very doubtful I'll ever engage in intercourse again. I will be here for my brother, and you're correct I love him more than any person in this world we've been inseparable for so long no virus is going to change that. I just hope I won't begin to worry over physical interactions with him. We used to share drinks and food, I'd give him haircuts and such. I hope I won't start to worry over these things when he comes home. I still find this all to be very overwhelming and confusing, I just hope things come to the light so at least he can get some closure and warn whatever other partners he's had--even though he insists he used condoms with them. I also hope that nothing truly occurred while I was asleep with that guy because it seems like anything  is ******* possible these days.



Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 26, 2012
I believe you are very strong & your brother will require your support.You can't contract HIV from social contact so don't worry about sharing drinks or sharing food,etc,you won't contract HIV from him this way.I believe you aresafe with your situation because you would have known if there was any penetration or not.You can still enjoy sex just be safe when you engage in it.

2114181_tn?1346117622
by Needreassurance22, Jun 27, 2012
Thanks. It is still hard to get past the fact that I predicted this down to the detail. I don't think I ever will come to understand that, it feels like its no coincidence. Is it worth it to tell him that I saw it coming? Will he hate me for it? I really thought he was in the clear since he has been gone for a whole month. In the letter he wrote me he said "those who are afraid of flying Never go down", and that I'm right for being so cautious and paranoid. So why am I still having premonitions about myself.

We don't have any money so I hope he can apply for some help with the letter The Army gives him if whatever the case? Will he be honorably or dishonoray discharged, I wonder?

Sigh. And the the days just keep getting longer.....

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 27, 2012
Hang in there--you can make it.A united family is what counts now.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 27, 2012
His boyfriend is texting me everyday, saying he misses my brother so much and have I heard from him. I want to say something so bad. Would I be wrong?



Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 27, 2012
No,talk--ask questions--it's the way to get to the truth.

2114181_tn?1346117622
by Needreassurance22, Jun 27, 2012
Thank you. He just told me that his cell phone has been acting up, so It's possible he missed my brother's call and I don't think I can contain myself from telling him. Also he can get tested Today.

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 27, 2012
At some stage this has to be talked about.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 27, 2012
Yes, but the difficult part is figuring out whether or not it's truly my place to say anything to his boyfriend. Maybe my brother is waiting until he comes home to handle all of this himself.

Avatar_m_tn
by RainLover71, Jun 27, 2012
I think maybe you should talk to your brother first then & see what he has to say.

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by nursegirl6572, Jun 27, 2012
WOAH!!!!!  It's NOT at ALL your place to say ONE word to your brother's ex BF, not one bit.  You are taking your brother's situation and relating everything to your phobias and fears about HIV.  You seriously need to STOP.

For one, do you think your brother has any responsibility to tell you how he got HIV?  He doesn't.  He also may be ashamed of something he did, and is therefore lying about his exposure, or about how safe he was.  You told us yourself how he claimed to be very careless.  He tested +, all of a sudden he story changes.  Either way, he is lying somewhere.

Do NOT use this experience with your brother as a way for you to solidify your "what if" questions.  Condoms are safe if they remain intact, period.  IF a small amount of semen managed to "leak through" a condom, it wouldn't be enough to cause a risk anyway.

I repeat, do NOT start a dialouge with the ex.  It is SO not your place and may cause your brother to get EXTREMELY mad at you.  It's HIS problem, not YOURS, but yet you are making it All ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEARS.  Get some help.  I strongly suggest you perhaps put a little distance between you and your brother until you can get your head on straight.  Your intentions are not sincere...they are "info seeking" for your own sake.  Please, get a hold of yourself.

I know I'm being harsh, but really, you are really getting out of control, and now you've started another conversation here encouraging yourself and others to doubt the effectiveness of condoms.  None of it is good, for you, your brother, and the people reading here.

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by Needreassurance22, Jun 27, 2012
I am in no way trying to ENCOURAGe that something is wrong with the effectiveness of condoms, Nursegirl. I would want nothing more than to be wrong about that. It was more a question than a statement, from someone in a very confused and lost state of mind. That all came about after roaming over the CDC's website for a good hour, a website where it says condoms are not full-proof protection and even says that French kissing is a risk! Can you not understand how so many different places giving out different information can be confusing? I am in no way trying to question this website's authority or fuel others' anxiety, and I do truly apologize if that is what it's coming off like.

You are not being harsh. In the back of my mind I know that I am more so trying to assuage my own fears at this point, than do anything to help benefit my brother but I sincerely and whole heartedly want be there for him in this situation, and it's harder when I don't know what truthfully happened, you're right. My brother doesn't lie to me--but maybe he Is lying to himself. He did have a lot of drunken sex and it is possible he forgot to use condoms or didn't notice a failure. Only he knows. And I admit that deep down I know that I am being overbearingly irrational. But it's this way of thinking that's always saved me from trouble--and ive become afraid of myself now that I feel my over analyzing did not save him, that it may have pulled him under.

I really super do do do nĂ©ed help. But im broke and I told you the people over here offering  HIV counseling don't know what the hell they're talking about themselves. Where should I go?

Distance myself from my brother? I think I will disappoint him so much if I do that, he holds me up so high. I'm not going to tell his boyfriend, that was stupid of me to even think. I'm out of control and what I'm going to do is force myself together. I'm handling this terribly.

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by nursegirl6572, Jun 27, 2012
I don't know where you can go for help, but you need to figure it out.  I DO think wholeheartedly that you're in NO state of mind to be around your brother.  I really do.  You have tunnel vision so bad when it comes to your fears, that you will be of no help to him, and I doubt you will be able to control yourself from giving him the third degree.  If anything, you may make things worse.

You may never know how your brother became infected, and what YOU need to do is somehow find a way to stop making this all about you, and stop somehow relating his predicament with your life.  Apples and oranges.

I think you need to be honest with your brother about what is going on with you....show him these posts if you have to, and explain that you need to get to a better place before you can offer him sincere and genuine support that won't have an ulterior motive behind it.  That way, if you need to take a step back, he'll understand why and not think you've turned your back on him.

You continue to search the internet, even though you know it's the worst thing for you.  You continue to "what if" everything, now including everything related to your brother's situation.  The fact that you even considered having a discussion with your bro's ex really shows the severity of this for you.  Rip your computer out of the wall if you have to...and start making phone calls to find yourself some help.  If not for yourself, do it for your brother.  He's going to need all the supoprt he can get during this impossible time, and you can't seem to (pardon my french)...pull your head out of your a$$ long enough to do that.  You need to do whatever it takes to get professional help.

Lastly, I DO get that there is conflicting info out there, and I know that causes anxiety in people.  I DO understand that.  But MOST people can eventually rationalize with themselves what the "facts" are based on the info out there.  Meaning, if the overwhelming evidence points to one side versus another, the person thinking rationally will be okay with accepting that as fact.  Almost nothing in the medical field is a 100%, doctors will seldom use the terms "always" or never" when it comesd to anything medical...this is the same.    You simply cannot allow yoursef to continue being stuck in the "what if" way of thinking.  It's not going anywhere good, not that it could get much worse, IMO.  I'm going to send you a PM, please read it when you can.

ALL of my suggestions, while abrasive, are meant to be helpful.  Sometimes, in these situations, "tough love", per se, is needed.


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