something good

so, as odd as this sounds, for the past year and a half, i've had a persistent feeling of running out of time. that some big change was coming, and that life would never be the same, that i was gonna lose everything. i'm pretty sure this was brought on in part by knowing college was coming soon, and feeling that my friendship with heero was fading. i just realized, that i dont feel this way anymore.

maybe it's because, the home i was afraid of losing no longer feels like home. I came back from my mom's house the other day [[my mom, who i'm getting along with better than I have in nearly a decade]] to my dad's, the place I've called home for quite some time, and felt like whatever made it 'home' was gone. the house felt violated, by people who i once considered family, but now see as unwanted strangers. i guess it's a sort of closure, since i've always felt attached to this house... but now that my dad and i are always fighting, that sense of 'home' has vanished. I dont belong here, i dont belong anywhere. I'm afraid to spend a lot of time with my mom, because we'll start to fight again, and then what would i do? i cant go back to that...

I'm so excited to go away to college in a month and a half. i'm finally getting out of this **** town--i've wanted to leave since I was ten. i really just hope that my dorm in the city will feel like 'home', will feel like somewhere I belong...