Jul 18, 2012
Today I am angry at myself for not having the strength to quit! I want to quit taking these damn pills that are running my life. All I do is obsess about them rather I'm counting them to be sure I have enough to get me through or I'm searching for my next fix or I'm trying to get the funds so I can make my next purchase. Ugh! And last night I got in a screaming match with my hubby who doesn't know I'm addicted. It was a big ugly fight that resulted in us sleeping in different bedrooms. I said some horrible hurtful things and I wish I could undo it all and take back everything I said. In all honesty he was in a grumpy mood after work and I think that's what started it but he works so hard and just like everyone else, he deserves to have a bad day and be in pissy mood post work. I should have just let it go rather than totally over reacting. Ugh! I wish my life had a delete or undo button. I'm such a jerk. I want to be done with this. I have a huge famly trip this coming weekend and I don't want to go through w/d during that yet I also have a big Europe vacation at the end of next month. I need to quit before to give my body time to adjust or make sure I have enough pills to get me through while I'm there. I hate this and I'm beginning to hate myself. I reached out to one doc online and requested an appointment (even gave my insurance info) but I never heard back. I tried twice more but nothing. I'm too scared to just call their office. Oh I wish I had the strength and courage to quit. I want to quit before it's too late and I ruin my marriage, lose my job or hate myself so much I do something stupid.