Jul 18, 2012
No point trying to pretend it's not happening, what is important is making sure I grab this and turn it around before it throws me into the deep dark pit again. I've been well for 2 years - TWO WHOLE BLOODY YEARS!!! No medication just good healthy eating, good sleep/wake routine and I've managed. I even got back into the workplace, started off part-time and then went full-time. It felt sooo good, back in my nice posh clothes doing a full days work, it made me feel "part of society", no longer having to make excuses, no longer feeling guilty for not earning a living and relying on state benefit, no longer trying to explain why some days were good and some plain awful.
I first realised things were going a bit pear shaped a couple of months back. I did try and express my thoughts to family and GP but was told "oh you're ok", "oh you've just had a bad couple of days, it's normal it's not the bipolar" etc etc etc. HELLO. So I thought I'd go with that, kept on going, told myself they must be right and I was just over reacting. Pffft, silly me, I should have known better, after all I've been dealing with this blasted disorder for 20 plus years now.
I tried again, told the Doc I wasn't feeling too good, my sleep was out the window, I was feeling anxious. Got the same response. Told family I was worried I was headed back down and got the same response from them - again.
So here I am now, been off work 3 weeks now with a bad chest infection, three lots of antibiotics, steroids, inhalers etc etc. Sleep is completely off whack, sleep sporadically through the night, get up feeling rubbish, go back to bed a couple of hours later because it's so much easier there under the duvet. My whole body feels tired, my mind is a mess, lurching from happy positive to introspective self pity. I'm due back at work on Monday, I can't face it - or should I say I can't face the people. I haven't the energy to be polite, jolly, communicative, understanding ...
I'm going to try the Doctor again tomorrow - wonder if he/she will listen