Jul 24, 2012
He is no good for me this I know. We were left in ruins. Now I'm digging in search of my former self. However, I keep getting side tracked in hopes that I'll find parts of us under all this rubble. I keep putting on the blinders but they are of no use if I wont keep them on. There are days where all I care about is seeing him, in my peripherals, when I look over my shoulder or even in my dreams. This is holding me back. This I know. I pray and pray all time for a just cause, which sounds selfish, inappropriate and rude, oh well... I've been through a whorl wind of crap and I've been an amazing person to someone who I loved dearly! Although, it turns out that no matter how badly I wanted to help him, I had to let him help himself. I JUST WANT ASWERS SO BADLY! I feel like I’m taking a test and I'm 100% positive I know the correct answer is B. but for some reason I keep marking A. WTF! I hope you all know, no matter your situation,(addict, former addict, legal spouse, significant other, family member, or friend of an addict) that you are truly capable of finding your inner strength. Once you find it you’ll be able to do what’s best and act upon it! I can’t stress that enough. I'd love nothing more than to know that anyone in a difficult situation could so easily remove themselves but it’s not that simple. It took me 2 years to untangle the knot that had been strangling my head and my heart. I gave a very precious part of myself to another. I gently placed it in their hands, then stood back and just watched it fall apart. Although, I’ve finally moved on physically my emotions are still lagging behind. However, I know they’ll catch up soon enough. Eventually I’ll tire of dealing with the torment and heartbreak. I may not have the answers in which I’m looking for right now and no band-aid will fix this gaping wound in my heart. All I know is this: I'm smart, I have a 4.0GPA, and I’m well educated. (Punctuation and formality are obviously not my strong suets) I laugh a lot; I smile at least once every day. I'm always kind to people and it’s sincere. I'm good at my job and have a few very close and amazing friends. My family isn’t perfect but they have taught me well and my parents provided me with the very best. This I know and although there are still corners of my life that are covered in webs. They won’t go ignored. I simply haven’t been able to reach them but someday I’ll have the strength and courage to wipe there mess away. As long as I remind myself that my future is brihght and no matter how many running starts it may take me at least I'm in the process of living a life that I know I'm worth. This I know.
And may my best friend and 1st love find his way.