Last night, after a very good day (a rarity in my life), my mom called. 95% of the time after getting off the phone with my mom, I'm in a bad mood. Well last night was no different. I was so upset that later that night, I had an asthma attack...and refused to take my inhaler. I wanted to die.
I hadn't had suicidal thoughts in years...much less acted on them. II thought that once I went into respiratory distress, I'd be done. Bf was next to me pleading with me to take my inhaler as my breathing got worse. I started getting light-headed and thought-- it won't be long now. And it won't hurt my kids as much if they believe that an asthma attack was what took my life and not my own will.
Well, not only was that thinking faulty, but it just didn't happen. My children and I are very close and no matter what takes my life, they will be devastated. But I wasn't thinking that last night.
I don't know how long I was having the attack but I never passed out and I continued struggling to breathe. Odd.
Eventually, I relented and decided to take the inhaler. But it malfunctioned. I couldn't get it to work. So I had to use my backup inhaler. I couple of puffs later and I was fine. Tired, but fine.
Now that it's morning, I'm thinking that I'm not doing as well with my moods as I initially thought. Having moods like that is dangerous. I need to get back to see my pdoc. I just can't afford it or the meds with no insurance. But now it's clear that I have to do something.