Dunno What to Think

I've decided my mind doesn't know what to think, so it throws 50 things at a time at me instead of sorting through them first (jk, I don't really think that but it feels that way). Trying to make sense of things isn't an easy task. I don't get to sleep anymore unless I take something to help.

My bf sometimes goes 1-3 weeks without speaking or if not speaking, seeing me. I have a hard time dealing with it. I know why he does it, as he'd tried to explain to me. He's been like that for as long as I can remember (even when we were just friends) and I'm not upset at him for it, I just have trouble dealing with it cos he's on my mind constantly. He backs me up 100% and when we do speak, he shows his affection the best he can. He loves me even with all the flaws I have and of course I'm going to return that. He accepts me and doesn't question why I'm so messed up. It just hurts sometimes is all but I know it's his way and not something he's likely to change. That's okay, I wouldn't ask him to change. I fell in love with him as he is, why try to change the things that help make up the man I love so much?

I'm trying to learn to cope, something I now realize I haven't done since about age 12 or 13. I think I was 13 or bit younger when I started cutting. After that it was drugs and alcohol to cope (I first smoked cigs/weed and had first drinks around 11 yo but as experimentation, not to cope). Anything I could get my hands on. I've done meth twice, coke on occasion and would've done more if I could've found them. I'm lucky that I'm not hooked on coke or meth. Thing with meth is, I only did it twice and every now and then, I still get a craving. Recently though, it's only been weed and booze. I find that when I drink cos I'm feeling down or if I drink too much too fast, I'll get really bad. I have liquor sitting in my room and I have no problems just leaving it. Sometimes though when I feel things are too much, I crave a drink. I've been letting those feelings pass though, even with the liquor right in front of me, cos I know if I don't start drinking when I'm happy and in a partying mood, I'm going to get extremely depressed and something bad's gonna happen. I've quit smoking weed very recently even though I didn't want to. I, personally, see nothing wrong with marijuana but you gotta do what you gotta do. Quit cigs back in March as well.

I'm trying to pull my life together. A lot of it is because I want to be someone that my bf can be proud of. I'm also trying for myself but he's my motivation right now. I'm not at a point in my life where I can stand on my own. That being said, I do understand just how important it is that I learn to stand on my own in case something happens. I'm trying very hard to better myself for us (me and my bf as a couple), my bf alone and myself. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever tried to do. But it's what needs to be done right now and it really can't wait.

I don't know how I'm feeling at this point in time. I just had to talk for a bit. Thnx to anyone that took the time to read.