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Dunno What to Think

Aug 05, 2012 - 1 comments

I've decided my mind doesn't know what to think, so it throws 50 things at a time at me instead of sorting through them first (jk, I don't really think that but it feels that way). Trying to make sense of things isn't an easy task. I don't get to sleep anymore unless I take something to help.

My bf sometimes goes 1-3 weeks without speaking or if not speaking, seeing me. I have a hard time dealing with it. I know why he does it, as he'd tried to explain to me. He's been like that for as long as I can remember (even when we were just friends) and I'm not upset at him for it, I just have trouble dealing with it cos he's on my mind constantly. He backs me up 100% and when we do speak, he shows his affection the best he can. He loves me even with all the flaws I have and of course I'm going to return that. He accepts me and doesn't question why I'm so messed up. It just hurts sometimes is all but I know it's his way and not something he's likely to change. That's okay, I wouldn't ask him to change. I fell in love with him as he is, why try to change the things that help make up the man I love so much?

I'm trying to learn to cope, something I now realize I haven't done since about age 12 or 13. I think I was 13 or bit younger when I started cutting. After that it was drugs and alcohol to cope (I first smoked cigs/weed and had first drinks around 11 yo but as experimentation, not to cope). Anything I could get my hands on. I've done meth twice, coke on occasion and would've done more if I could've found them. I'm lucky that I'm not hooked on coke or meth. Thing with meth is, I only did it twice and every now and then, I still get a craving. Recently though, it's only been weed and booze. I find that when I drink cos I'm feeling down or if I drink too much too fast, I'll get really bad. I have liquor sitting in my room and I have no problems just leaving it. Sometimes though when I feel things are too much, I crave a drink. I've been letting those feelings pass though, even with the liquor right in front of me, cos I know if I don't start drinking when I'm happy and in a partying mood, I'm going to get extremely depressed and something bad's gonna happen. I've quit smoking weed very recently even though I didn't want to. I, personally, see nothing wrong with marijuana but you gotta do what you gotta do. Quit cigs back in March as well.

I'm trying to pull my life together. A lot of it is because I want to be someone that my bf can be proud of. I'm also trying for myself but he's my motivation right now. I'm not at a point in my life where I can stand on my own. That being said, I do understand just how important it is that I learn to stand on my own in case something happens. I'm trying very hard to better myself for us (me and my bf as a couple), my bf alone and myself. It's one of the most difficult things I've ever tried to do. But it's what needs to be done right now and it really can't wait.

I don't know how I'm feeling at this point in time. I just had to talk for a bit. Thnx to anyone that took the time to read.

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by lboogie7729, Aug 27, 2012
I understand the feelings of having everything thrown at you all at once. There is a saying that things seem to happen all at once, or not at all. You are trying to connect the dots backward and you are acknowledging things that need to be acknowledged. I can tell you from a lot of personal experience that you really don't want to mess with coke or meth AT ALL! Never to even party, socially. As far as alcohol, it is progressive. It's good that you can recognize that you shouldn't drink when you're angry because of the potential outcome. But bad things can happen when you're happy and drinking too. You have more control of yourself than you think, I do too. It took a long time for me to get to a point where I realize that though, and I can exercise control to some extent. That's great that you quit smoking cigarette's, it's not an easy thing to do! It says a lot about you to be able to quit something that is not good for you.

Where does your boyfriend live and how did you meet him? He sounds like a good influence, but it sounds like you could also be very disappointed if things didn't work out with him. You have to want to change for your own benefit, at least at some point. If being with him is motivating you in a positive way right now, than I say, go with it. Anything that helps propel us forward in terms of what relationships we have in the early stages can be really helpful. My wish for you today is to want to do better and be better than you were yesterday! That's what I aim for, no competition with anyone else, and no expectations that someone else will notice or acknowledge it. Just trying to be a better person for my own sake, and the other stuff seems to start to fall into place. You are a smart cookie girl, keep writing, keep taking pictures, keep being you because you are awesome!

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