im so dissapointed in myself :-(

so today i woke up and thought thats it. im going to try and be normal
i do that everyday
but i really really wanted too. i had 2 weetbix for breakfast..then i had some chocolate and had some pasta for lunch
god i feel so gross.
like a want to throw up...make myself sick. i am writing this to distract myself.
but im dissapointed because i have taken 2 laxatives and 2 xantrex when i promised myself i wasnt going to do that again.
i never do anything right :-(
im confused. like i dont think im fat.. i love control.. but i would love to see how thin i could get even though i know the complications and stuff....... and just want to know if i would have the will power to be able to do it. and i want to look different... be a different person..
i want the power and control.
Rannt i know. sorry. but its helped distract a bit.