Secrets

Secrets sometimes have a way of eating away at you from inside. The longer you wait the harder it gets to share and the worse it feels inside. The good news is that once you share it the relief is tremendous. There are a lot of great people here so whenever you feel like talking we're here to listen.

Thanks jdesouza I reallly needed to hear that. Gosh it is hard though. Where do i start? I have been through so many things i do not even know which one to pick, where to start.

I was abused in every way possible by multiple persons at different times in my life. I will start with my father. My parents believe in coperal punishment. If you do anything wrong- you are beaten with a belt or anything else they can find at the moment. My mother even threw stones at me because i refuse to go for strap. I think she was just frustrated with her life and the one he children were living. My father is 15 years older than my mother and he has been with her since she was thirteen years old. He beats her infront of us and sometimes chopped at her with a matchette that he had.

To this very day i am afraid of anything with a blade. I can recall one night my mom came home, my father was there when she came. the rain was falling really hard and he insisted that no one should open the door for my mom. I went anyway because i could not stand the thought of her being outside in the rain. He came around and saw me opening the door and punched me in the eyes till it bled. My mother grabbed me and we had to run to another friend's house for protection.

We hardly went to school also because my mom had to work in the days to put food on our tabe. He would ensure that he nevers send us to school and uses whatever money is there to buy his drinks and smoke. In fact he told me that he wold spend his money so that i could become better than him. He owns forty acres of land that is fruitful in every sense of the word- i mean anything he plants on that land grows, but he never gave us a dime. he spends on other women and their children. When my mom came home he would beat her up and take her money away. Most nights she had to sleeep on the floor even when she was pregnant ( although it was her bed).


I used to have nightmares of him killing my mother and then hurting us too. I would wake up in the middle of the night wet in sweat from fear and anxiety. That was when i was about 10 years old. Today i cannot be alone with him in a room because i am truely afraid of him ( I am 24 now).

He has stopped drinking and smoking but is ow taking on the habbit of gambling. He does not beat my mother anymore and i guess this isdue to the fact that she started hitting him back. He is much nicer now and i think its because I have not turned out the way he expected so he wants money ( I am a college grad).

This is just one part of the story.

Sounds like you have had a very difficult life with your father.  Did he also sexually abuse you as well?  It sounds like you live at home still.  Can you move out?  I don't think you will feel comfortable until you out from under that roof.  

No i am not living at home and he never sexually abused me.

You need to move out of your parent's house as soon as humanly possible.  It's strange and terrible that a father, who should be a protector, can so easily become an object of fear - I grew up in a household not unlike yours, and it's terrifying sometimes, especially to a child.

Please move out of your parent's house.  Find a roommate and separate yourself for a while.  That's really the best advice I can give you, I did the same, and my life improved immediately.  I'm 26 now, I left my parent's house when I was 18 (the legal age of adulthood in the states) and I felt better, healthier, and safer.  You ought to do the same if you can.