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Just done with negative people

Aug 24, 2012 - 21 comments

So we are pushing forward with our plan to have another child through embryo adoption.  It has taken DH some time to come to terms with the fact that this child will not be "ours" genetically, but I expected that.  He is full speed ahead now and excited about the prospect. The reality is that this is 1/3 the cost of using donor eggs with his sperm and that was a factor in this decision.  We have to be realistic.  So he is all excited, I am happy and Ryder has told me on several occasions he wants to be a brother (he seriously does...it's super cute).  

My issue is with the negativity we find ourselves surrounded by.  I have no idea where this is coming from.  When I was pregnant at 40 everyone was so happy for us.  But for some reason, the fact that this next child will come at 44 (and that's if it takes the first try) has people all in a tizzy.  Also, for some family members, the fact that this is through adoption (it's exactly the same thing, it's just that I carry the pregnancy) also seems to have people all a flutter. I have no idea why.  We are very open about our decisions - always have been.  I don't know why doing things this way has people worked up.  So I'm done.  

Yes, we are aware of our age.  We are aware of our limitations and feel very confident we can do this.  Yes, we do realize this means more sleepless nights.  And we will be the ones getting up, thank you very much.  Yes, we are aware this child will be 16 when we are 60.  We both passed basic elementary school math without too much struggle.  Yes, we do feel blessed to have the amazing healthy child we already have.  Having a second does not mean we are not grateful for the first (why do people think that?).  

My new response is a standard one.  We want to try to add to our family.  We honestly don't care all that much HOW it happens, just that it does.  If it doesn't work, we can accept that, but we very much want to try.  I'm sorry you cannot be happy and excited for us, and also excited that procedures like this are possible, but if you cannot share our joy, seriously, shut up.  Cause I have been polite and thanked you for unsolicited advice one too many times.  I am DONE!  If I were asking you to come and get up through the night, or to raise and nurture my child, or to support them financially, then you would have the right to speak up in this manner.  We are doing none of these things, so move on please.  Our lives, our decision and our dream.  I'm just done!


Ohhhhh, did that feel gooooood!!!!!

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by Moma_Cher, Aug 24, 2012
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH.

Went through all the same stuff when we were going to do the ED. People questioning why now did we need to add to our family when we already had two children. It was pretty upsetting but I realize that opinions are like azz holes, everyone has one lol. I figure this is our life... not anyone else's. I mean, no one would be up in a tizzy if you were adopting a baby... but somehow since you'll be carrying the child they're all "tisk-tisk."

If I had the $$ I'd totally be doing exactly what you are. Go forward with your head held high and trust me, when the baby is here, you will hear everyone telling you what a good job you did! Humans are funny little creatures.

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by adgal, Aug 24, 2012
Thanks honey.  I tell you, this had me down for a bit.  It really did.  Had me questioning our decision.  But I've had it, and now my attitude is "get on board or get out of my way, cause I'm coming through and I will take you out!!!"   Ohhh, I have just had it!

Cher, I so hope this happens for you too.  You are one of those on here that I want this for you as much as I do for myself.  You are just an incredible women.

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by JennyB0125, Aug 24, 2012
Good for you!!  It's not about how they feel it's about what you & your hubby..& Ryder of course wants! I am so glad you are happy with your decision, and I applaud you for doing it!  You are a wonderful women, & a fantastic mother, this baby will be lucky to have you! I wish you the very best! Hugs!

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by mhv, Aug 24, 2012
You go girl!  Oh, and did you know you wont be able to retire until your in your 70's!!!  But seriously, after your child is born.....you won't hear a peep!!! We haven't!   :0)

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by opus88, Aug 24, 2012
'ditto' all the above adgal, I don't know of a stronger more deserving mommy (and daddy too...but I don't know him) lol.
If we all lived our lives on what others thought or didn't think we'd be a heck of a messed up society, you two do whats right for yourselves and no one else and never ever second guess yourself.....I've so got my fingers crossed for this to work this time ♥♥

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by sandstone27, Aug 24, 2012
All I have to say is:

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

And if nursegirl sees this I can guarantee she's going to call me a  copycat again - because I did copy this from one of her status'....*♥*.  

Sandy ♦  

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by adgal, Aug 24, 2012
I honestly just cannot figure out why they care.  Seriously.  One of the benefits of being in our 40's is that we would hope our family/friends would respect the fact that we know what we are doing.  We are financially stable, own our own home, are relatively mature.  It just confounds me.    And what is really weird is that these same people were supportive in our efforts to adopt. They just cannot seem to wrap their heads around the fact that this is adoption with a pregnancy.  It's good...I know what goes into my body while carrying plus the bonus is I can still nurse.  

mhv, you know you were the one that got me interested in this don't you?  I owe you a lot.  And last night I showed DH the pics of your gorgeous twins and for him it just reaffirmed our decision.  

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by stargazy, Aug 24, 2012
Hi there, we've had several failed donor egg attempts and our last RE was telling us to consider embryo adoption. I have to DDs (21 & 15) from a previous marriage, but DH has no children of his own. So we were using donor eggs and his sperm. I tried talking to DH about using donated embryos, but he's not really interested, since it wouldn't be child biologically. How did your DH come around to being open to this? I'd love for DH to experience pregnancy/childbirth etc, but with his issues and my nonexisting eggs seems to be close to impossible.
Best of luck in your journey!
Dani

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by adgal, Aug 24, 2012
Hi Stargazy, thank you for the friend invite.  I quietly followed your story and I'm so very sorry for what you have been through.  

DH is very analytical and does not do well with being pushed.  We had long been discussing a second child (we have 1 ds, 2 1/2).  We too had been through miscarriage and in our case our RE suggested donor eggs as our best option.  He being so analytical recognized this and was good with it.  We had also been trying to adopt since before DS and it was proving to be a very difficult thing.  To be honest, he would still prefer donor eggs with his sperm.  But the fact of the matter is that for us to do donor egg or embryo we have to travel to the US.   It was going to be $30,000 for donor egg with his sperm and it's $10,000 to do donor embryo.  So, I really just presented him with the option, gave him the facts and let him sit on it.  He just had to come around on his own and he did.  He had always been good with adoption, so once I helped him understand this was the same thing, he accepted it.  Then he became excited.  It took time for sure as I think this is harder on men then women.  Also, he was concerned he would feel differently about this next child then he did about our ds, but now he feels that won't be that case at all.  Really, it just took time.  And honestly, after my last miscarriage I  knew I couldn't do it again.  It really destroyed me.  So for us the reality is this or no second child.  

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by butterflybabies, Aug 24, 2012
Stinks that people are that way and negative. What does it matter to them at what age someone has a child. Thats so dumb. On another note Im happy to hear that you and dh are going through this. How exciting! Cant wait to follow you on this new journey!

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by nursegirl6572, Aug 25, 2012
(Sandy~~) COPYCAT!  COPYCAT!  COPYCAT!

LOL...teasing.  I'm glad you borrowed the quote, it just suits this situation PERFECTLY.

Amanda...I wish you the very best of luck, what an amazing blessing.  It amazes me the possibilities out there...just a miracle!  The negative people will come around..don't even give them another thought.  Everyone's an expert, everyone thinks you want their opinion, lol.  Tell them thanks but no thanks, you have the info you need, including how old you guys are.  Geez!

This is going to be an amazing journey, I can't wait to watch as you go through the process.  Prayers that everything goes smoothly and flawlessly.  Ryder is going to be one heck of a big brother.  SO happy for you guys!

Much much love!  <3

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by Sherri90049, Aug 26, 2012
I have been trying to write you back since I first saw this post but have been so busy. :( I am SO excited for you! We started talking about donor embies lately, and as I think I saw you mention to Melissa, her two gorgeous little ones sort of inspired that in me as well. Not sure if we're going to do it yet. But I will keep it in the back of my head as a VERY viable and reasonably affordable option! I'm with you that getting to carry the baby and bond in utero along with bf'ing are all very important and huge pluses in favor of embie adoption.

And as for anyone who is less than 150% supportive of your decision, screw them! I know sometimes that's easier said than done, but if you listened to them and let them affect your decision, you would regret it forever. You know in your (& your DH's) hearts that this is what YOU want to do! I think it's awesome and I hope you get to the point where any negative people's opinions don't even phase you. Like others said above, once the baby comes, they'll all think it was a great idea and not even remember that they ever felt differently! Huge hugs and congrats on your decision! :)

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by Ecologic, Aug 26, 2012
I think your family and friends are more worried about the fact that you will have one genetic child and one non-genetic child than they are about your age.

I have myself thought about going through this process to have a 2nd child but it is too much unknown for me. I am afraid I would tend to prefer Benoit to the other baby. Maybe this would not happen but I don't know. I am also worried the 2nd child would have potential identity challenges as he grows older, particularly during teen years.

Your family is probably struggling with these questions as well, openly or not: try to reassure them as best as you can as you can! In time I am sure they'll accept your choice!

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by skepticalpeach, Aug 26, 2012
I am very excited for you! My birth mother had her last baby when she was 44, and my little sister is just fine. You have to do what you think is right and ignore the negative comments. In life you can't wait for the perfect moment (or give up when it's past). Sometimes it's just right to act NOW and not look back, even if things aren't teed up perfectly. If you are making a mistake, oh well, it's yours to make. If  people minded their own business half as much as they mind others' the world would be a much better place (says my adopted mom).

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by retta483, Aug 26, 2012
Im glad your dh is on board . I hope Ryder gets a brother or sister soon :) Who cares what other people think :)

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by plumber43, Sep 01, 2012
I'm sorry I missed this, I'm so excited for you! I will be 46 and giving birth to my 4th child, it's been 16 1/2 years since my last!, I married off my 23yo dd on aug 12... Lol, my DH is 49 1/2.  Yes ppl are funny and like to put their 2cents in when not wanted! I know how old we're gonna be when!..lol  age is just a number and if you want to give your beautiful Ryder a sibling then go for it!  Who cares how old we are? Don't they know that we've already thought about everything?! Thank G -D for our Medhelp sisters! I know a lady at one of my customers factory, she's so nice, I saw pictures of 2 babies on her desk and asked if they were hers, she was like, oh no their my grandchildren, she's a year younger than me and smiled and said your crazy...lol I laughed. I just caulked it up to being jealous!  I'm so happy for you both! Good luck Sweetie with the embryo adoption! We were all set to go that route but somehow got the money for frozen embryos.
Love Mel

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by plumber43, Sep 01, 2012
PS
How many grandparents in this world raise their grand kids?  Lots and lots!

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by mandaszoo, Sep 01, 2012
It so inspiring to me to to hear so much positive vibes. Because of peoples general negativity of slightly maturer mums i feel unable to talk to most of my family and friends about our forthcoming ivf. Two friends i have told that we are ttc have been very supportive and overjoyed but one friend has hardly spoke to me since ! am not telling family until after embryo transfer in october using DE. If we get happy outcome that all that matters and they can think what they like. Like you said we have thought about every possible problem of being older but i was very young mum first time round and that had its own problems too. Hope I can be as brave as you when comes to telling family. It such a shame we have to justify our desperate need for a child over 40s.

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by mhv, Sep 01, 2012
Awww, I am glad your hubby was reaffirmed :). I see my hubby with the babies, and I can tell you....they are 100% his!  I honestly do not think it enters our minds that biologically they are not ours.  We love them sooo much!!!  

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by orphanedhawk, Sep 01, 2012
My mother used to say, if you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing. If asked my opinion, I'll give it. Otherwise I try to keep my mouth shut.

You and your husband have made a decision.
Hopefully once you're pregnant those with a negative view will begin to see the joy and excitement that a new baby brings to the world.


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by usuk, Sep 11, 2012
what is wrong with people? you are not being unrealistic about your age. you want a full family. you are letting a life come to be that would not otherwise. no one is guaranteed tomorrow - not a mom of 25 or 45.

in a nutshell: you love motherhood, you want another, you are practically and rationally accepting the limits of your own eggs, and you have made a courageous decision based on new life. giving ryder a sibling.

yeah - shame on you.

??????

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