Aug 28, 2012
Boy where do I start...?
I guess by saying I normally wouldn't disclose this info on this forum only because I use it mostly as a support for infertility issues. Problem is, it's all consuming and I really need to vent.
So as some of you know I have a son who is 23. Let me start by saying it was a really difficult pregnancy with him and an even more difficult childbirth lol... And that was the easy part. I was married a month after high school graduation and had him when I was only 18. His father was a MONSTER and we were finished when Troy was only one year old. Back in the day we couldn't rely on anyone but ourselves so I worked my azz off to support the two of us taking whatever job I could. Troy was always a difficult child, even getting kicked out of preschool at age 3. He really needed a full time mom but I was too busy working to be there for him 100% not to mention I was so young I made many mistakes. In elementary school he was always in trouble. Teachers couldn't handle his behavior and there were often meetings with teacher, principal and myself. Pretty daunting when you're a 24 yr old that looked 16 trying to defend an undefendable kid.
Around age six he called me from his fathers house while on a weekend visitation and was crying and terrified and hiding under the bed. I picked him up and called the police after I found out his father had turned his violent anger towards his poor defenseless son. I immediately put Troy in therapy and found out there were many instances of abuse I was unaware of. It was absolutely heartbreaking. He stayed in therapy for three years going once a week and never had an unsupervised visit with his father again (court ordered!).
Things were better but he was always a difficult and 'different' child. After I remarried I sent him to the best private schools in our area. He excelled in academia and football. At age 16 he started showing signs of drug/alcohol experimentation. I found him getting into trouble outside of school and was very concerned. A month before he turned 17 (during Christmas no less) he went missing for three days and I was beyond terrified. Police were involved looking for him everywhere and I finally found him two towns over in a hotel hot tub partying. I sent him to rehab 5 days later. While in rehab he denied having any problems and the center agreed with me that he DID have a problem and wanted to keep him after the initial 28 days and extend it out to 90. I was in full agreement. His FATHER decided to check him out of rehab without my knowledge or consent! I was so flipped out that they released him to his father who had ZERO custody of him!!! I took him to court but by this time Troy was 17 and the courts felt he was basically an adult and let him decide where he wanted to go. This is when I lost him...
He slipped into many years of lying/manipulating and substance abuse. Our relationship was not good and he spent time going from my house back to his father's and back again.
Fast forward to now... He came to me this year and decided he needed to go into rehab and wanted our help. I can't tell you how happy this made me. He went in the first week of May (which is the month I got pregnant incidentally) and has been clean and sober for 4 months. It has been so great to have my son back all these months and had actually made the miscarriage easier for me to handle. It has been such a blessing.
Last night I woke up at 3am stricken with grief with a feeling in my bones that he relapsed... I couldn't sleep at all. I texted him around 5am saying I knew he had relapsed. No reply... I texted him at about 10am today telling him to call me when he was ready to talk about his relapse. Nothing. Finally, this evening he called and admitted he used last night. I am utterly gutted. I feel like all the trust he's established is gone. He says he is sorry and that he's sober today, talking to his sponsor yadayada but it's just words right now.
I saw this coming... Over the past couple of weeks his attitude has been changing and I told him I was worried he was heading for relapse. Thing is, he is saying things like, it could've been worse and that I should give him credit... it was 'just pot.' So his mindset is still in the dump. I don't think this is the end of his relapse... I think it's the beginning. He was kicked out of his Sober Living House (like a halfway house) which I have been paying 1/2 his rent. He was kicked out because he broke curfew too many times and didn't do chores, so yeah, it's back to old behaviors. He needs to find a new place by the first of September.
I told him I'd continue to pay if he found a new SLE male only (since he has sexual addiction issues too).
So anyways, that's my life right now lol. If you're still reading I apologize for rambling on and commend you for making it to the end.
Please keep me in your prayers for strength and to handle this correctly.