Sep 28, 2012
Well it is now almost three years since my world was thrown into this scary unpredictable changing life. I must say this has been the hardest battle I have ever had to fight thus far in my 47 years! I have wanted the one test that has not been performed yet to be done for almost two years now and finally I am going to have it done. the dreaded lumbar puncture : / I have to say though, now that it is going to be done I am a bit afraid. I guess the test itself is scary because I have this awful track record for having complications when they are very rare to have. I do not think that I am afraid of them telling me I do have MS because I hope to get the help I have needed for a while now. I think was terrifies me the most is what I learned during the review of my latest MRI this week. I sat with my neurologist and her nurse who took notes as the doctor showed me what is happening inside my head. There are several sections of the brain that have started to just die. It was only just a couple tiny little spots two years ago but now the damage is around the brain stem and throughout those little areas that help me to balance myself, see without double vision, and a few others I have at this point learned and adapted to the best that I can. The area that scares me the most is the one that is taking all of my memories, thoughts, concentration and just focus away.
Throughout this past few years I have been worried about what things might happen if it turns out that I do have MS. What other changes will I go through and of course while having those thoughts, I would always stop myself and say "hey, its ok because I can and will adapt no matter what"! I will fight until the bitter end and never give up! Well, after my doctor appointment on Tuesday of this week I have learned something new. This just may be the one fight that I cannot win.. not that I dont want to try but whatever is happening inside of my head is going to take away those few things that I have left that are so very precious to me. The days each of my four children were born and how I could always remember the weights and times of each individual baby.. and every perfect little detail about each one of them that stuck out to me the first time I saw them. Dear god, this is the hardest one yet!! I have many emotions just screaming through my body since I saw my MRI.. dear god please dont let me forget my babies and all of those special moments while they were all growing up!! Please I will do anything and endure whatever it takes to stop that from happening.. This is my worst nightmare and I just cant wake up!! I just want to wake up!!
I consider myself to be pretty tough and I have been tested many times over in the past few years but I am gona need some help with this one. I know more now then ever that ever single second of every minute of every day I spend with my children and now grandchildren is more precious to me then life itself!! I want to keep making more memories and filling in those spaces that are disappearing now. I will continue to fight for my family and for myself and never ever give up!!