Sep 29, 2012
I did something today that i never thought i would ever again. I cut. after over a year of being... 'good'. i've come to the decision, that the promise i made, never to betray heero by cutting again, was a worthless promise. it was based on the conviction that she was my closest friend and would always be there, and that cutting again would betray how much she cares about me. well now, in college, all alone, i dont feel very wanted anymore. there's no point in even trying to make friends because i'm just not a likeable person. i dont think anyone would ever be as trustworthy and caring as i thought heero was... or at least, how she used to be before she made all these wonderful friends in college. shes changed. shes not the person i once knew. she's so open with them, shows them a side of her that i never got to know... the outgoing, funny, amazing side of her... that i never got to see firsthand.
no one here likes me, or is willing to be friends with me. there was one girl, emily, who i thought was going to be a great friend... but i just found out that she's joining a sorority. if that doesnt make her not want to be my friend anymore, then it'll change her and make her a stuck up b*tch like the rest of them... and the one other girl, sandy, is really great, but i get the feeling that she's never going to be a close friend, which means shes not worth making friends with at all. my roommate is nice, but she never wants to hang out with me. whenever we do stuff together, i get the feeling that she cant wait to leave and get away from me. she seems really shallow.
I cut myself again because i know that, even though i wont ever have close friends ever again, i still have my razor. my razor wont leave me. my razor wont turn on me. my razor wont be better friends with someone else because they're a better person... I don't know why i ever promised to stop...