Today I have decided I want to live without pain killers. I have to admit I have decided this many times before and I am partly motivated by the fact that I don't have any to take and can't find any. Someone sold me some subutex which they said was percocet. At first I was really pissed but after reading about it I found out it is used to help withdrawal from opiates so now I am thinking maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I tried it before and took way too much, made me sick. So I was going to just tough out the withdawals but it got bad enough that I broke of just a teeny little peice which did not get me high or make me sick and just took away the fever, chills, naseau, strong cravings and extreme anxiety. With 3 kids and a full time demanding job and no real support system it is not an option to be sick which has been my excuse for continuing in a way I guess. Anyway, I decide that I will just take a tiny peice and make it smaller and smaller of the subutex for 3 or 4 days then stop completely. Each day I will try first to go cold turkey but if it gets too bad I will give myself this option. I am scared that I will not succeed but I have got to try. I want to do this. I have never felt so weak. I am so sick of this addiction, I want to be free from it. I feel very alone. I just can't tell anyone about this right now. It seems like every time I decide to stop and just get to a good place where I am through the withdrawals someone will contact me and offer some more and I always give in. I don't want that to happen this time. I want to succeed.
Learning to live painkiller free!