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All alone, no one to blame but me

Oct 05, 2012 - 3 comments
Tags:

emotional health

,

all alone

,

sleep

,

Love

,

blame



Can't sleep, with all of the possible scenarios and outcomes involving the life altering (no matter which choice he makes) decision that my husband is trying to make about our future together.
While he makes up his mind I've been at my aunts, lets just say even highly functional people with great mental and emotional health, would find it extremely difficult to maintain any semblance of that health around her.
Kind the poster woman for what happens if you go untreated and don'teven attempt to have any structure.
Well while lying here wide awake I can here her and my uncle through the paper thin walls discuss how dysfunctional and emotionally damaged I am. It feels like wow I must be in such deep denial about myself, when even my aunt, who proudly acknowledges her dysfunctional behavior thinks I'm emotionally and mentally screwed.
Now in all honesty, I have done horrible things to her in my destructive episodes, like steal $ and lie compulsively even if I knew she already knew the truth. She has saved my *** from uncountable situations, and I owe the fact I am still alive at my age to her loving me unconditionally.
But as much unconditional love and forgiveness she has given selflessly time after time, she has a way of being so overwhelming that I become, submissive, tense, invalidated, tentative, and feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells.
I never know which personality will be there with every minute. It's exhausting on every level....
**** is this how my husband feels about living with me? Because sometimes I feel very similar feelings when it comes to him.
.......damn I can't blame his lack of faith in us

Comments
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675718_tn?1321008971
by drifter0213, Oct 05, 2012
do you take medication?

3965412_tn?1349421629
by terrbear812, Oct 05, 2012
No, I don't have medical insurance, and can't afford

4075126_tn?1349777963
by retep360, Oct 07, 2012
Time is not always on your side. As you get older you needs change also. What the worlds wants from you is different as well. Next thing you know is this: you are on the outside looking in. OK, that too has it's advantages. There is, however, one thing to remember: “If in doubt – do nothing!!! But remember, to do NOTHING is a choice also” Ultimately, all choices are "correct". Different choices made provide different outcomes and experiences - and that is really where it
either begins - or ends. Either - or! But you are not a drifter when you hang back a little. You are (perhaps) just waiting to see more clearly?
Have a good one, terrbear812.

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